Pregnancy - he who asks, errs

I once came across a "recommended" answer to this indelicate question about pregnancy. It was "some people don't have children, others have culture." But it's not about the lack of culture of the person asking. More often it's about a lack of empathy, imagination, or simply the belief that every young person should reproduce.

Asking about pregnancy (or lack thereof) is complicated because regardless of the reason or whether the person being asked wants to be honest with us, the situation becomes difficult, uncomfortable, or at least tense.

We ask about pregnancy

What if someone simply has a figure like that? It's half the trouble if someone likes themselves. What if we come across someone who is losing sleep over calories, diets and exercise? Or someone who is sick? Suggesting otherwise will certainly not make them feel better.

We ask about the lack of pregnancy

What if someone simply doesn't want to have children? By asking, we're cornering someone. An honest answer can expose that person to judgment or unfavorable comments from others. After all, it's their life and choices, for which there's no need to explain. Besides, the decision not to have children is often the result of deep self-awareness. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood.

What if someone wants children but can't have them? Maybe they have a problem with infertility (i.e. getting pregnant is completely impossible)? Or maybe they are infertile (i.e. they have been actively, but unsuccessfully, trying to conceive for at least a year)? It is estimated that infertility affects as many as 1 in 5 couples trying to conceive. So by asking a question about pregnancy, you have a chance of stabbing the already torn heart of as many as one in five couples. "I have endometriosis"; "I don't have enough sperm"; "My sperm is too slow or abnormally built"; "Despite a number of tests, we don't know the cause of infertility". Go ahead, which of these answers would you like to face?

What if someone can't have children because they've had organs removed that are essential to pregnancy? Someone may have already given birth with serious complications or been battling cancer. You never know what journey someone has traveled and how many pieces they've put together into their current world.

What if someone has just had a miscarriage? And maybe right now someone has put on one of their best masks and is doing everything they can to avoid the depression lurking around the corner? Maybe they have been pushing away the idea of ​​social contact for fear of that very question, which for the vast majority of society is innocent and the most normal in the world, like a question about profession or culinary preferences.

Or maybe someone is pregnant but doesn't want to tell you? Because you're not close enough. Or maybe you're close but it's too early?

I myself used to consider having children as a natural stage in every person's life. You become an adult, so you "automatically" populate the planet. That's your main task.

Now I think that unless you are a father of a child who is concerned about your partner's condition, a doctor, pharmacist, dentist or anyone whose activities could affect a potential pregnancy - it is better to remain silent.

On our website, we have also touched upon other important topics that are related to the problems we want to draw attention to with the #27maja campaign . Paulina Pomaska, the author of our book and mother, Edyta Broda (author of the Bezdzietnik.pl blog) and Joanna Frejus (psychologist, author of the @omatkodepresja profile) wrote for us about why you shouldn't ask women if they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, about the fact that not every woman wants to have a child and about how to behave when someone in our environment loses a pregnancy .

“For many of us, the lack of children is the foundation of a successful life, it gives a sense of freedom and opens up completely different horizons than motherhood. It is a source of joy, satisfaction and self-confidence.” - Edyta Broda, " Not every woman wants to have a child "

“Giving space to experience emotions often means simply listening. Allowing the other person to speak. Allowing them to be silent. Just being there, being ready, being within reach, but not imposing.” - Joanna Frejus, " Just don't say: It's good that now "

" If Mother's or Father's Day is a day of reminder of your loss, come and give me a hug. And then I'll remind you that you're not alone. " - Paulina Pomaska, " Coping with the loss of a child - you're not alone "