What does it mean to be a real man today?

The introduction to cultural patterns of “masculinity” and “femininity” begins at a very young age. Little girls learn that the boys who tease them are showing their affection in this way. So-called horse courtship is often summed up with the statement “he’s a boy,” as if minor forms of violence were an innate and proper way of showing feelings.

By disregarding such attitudes, girls are subconsciously convinced that certain forms of aggression can be turned a blind eye, while boys are exempted from the need to seek other forms of expression.

This does not mean, however, that they are uninhibited in terms of expressing their emotions: there is a permission for teasing, but not for crying, especially in Western cultures. When a boy is told to “stop crying,” he is forced to suppress his emotions, which will sooner or later have to find an outlet.

As we age, the list of duties grows, and a man who does not fit into patriarchal expectations is exposed to comments like "what kind of a man are you?" and therefore to the opinion of someone who is not fully valuable. The compulsion to maintain one's "masculinity" is visible even in small and seemingly harmless, yet bizarre marketing activities.

On the market, we have products such as special yogurts for men, which differ symbolically from all other yogurts in their increased protein content and... black packaging. Meggings (leggings for men) or urban camouflage (make-up for men, often limited to the use of concealer or powder) are also promoted - apparently no "real man" can afford to use something that has so far been almost exclusively the domain of women, until the item is labeled "for men" by marketers.

How fragile is masculinity that can be undermined by the use of a barely visible cosmetic? It turns out that it is not enough to be born a man - a man is a status that, in a sense, must be earned and constantly maintained.

However, this raises the question: if there are “real” men, are there also “fake” ones?

To try to answer this question, let's look at internet forums. One participant in the discussion on Reddit proposes a division according to which real men accept full responsibility for their actions, while "boys" rely on excuses. Most participants agreed with this statement, but it was pointed out that responsibility is not so much a sign of masculinity as of maturity, independent of gender. So the forum users began to think about specific examples: Donald Trump - a real man or not? Responsibility or excuses? Decisive, but is he strong? Decisive, but what is the quality of his decisions? Ultimately, the discussants failed to reach any specific conclusions.

A few years ago, the term “toxic masculinity” appeared in public discourse and quickly gained popularity. Interestingly, this term was invented by men themselves — in the US in the 1980s, there was a kind of fashion for “reclaiming masculinity,” inspired by books such as “Iron John” by Robert Bly.

Therapists and activists called on men to abandon “toxicity” in favor of “deep masculinity,” which they believed could be reclaimed through, among other things, noncompetitive relationships with other men and the reestablishment of rites of passage for teenage boys. Their work is often criticized today (and contains controversial claims), but it cannot be denied that they started a conversation that continues to this day.

Today, toxic masculinity is discussed in a broader context. This concept helps to collectively define the entire range of harmful behaviors that are associated with stereotypical masculinity. An example is the issue of seeking medical help - accumulated stress and unhealthy habits contribute to the development of various types of diseases, but for many men, going to a doctor is a sign of weakness, especially when the symptoms do not significantly impede everyday functioning. Another problematic area is interpersonal communication - men are generally not used to naming and expressing their feelings, they do not always want to change this state of affairs, and even if they do, they do not know where to start. This problem is also confirmed by transgender men - many of them claim that after gender correction, communication has become much more difficult, even if they had no problems with it before.

In 2019, the American Psychological Association issued the first-ever guidelines for therapeutic work with men and boys. The publication describes the harmfulness of "traditional masculinity" - stress, various forms of violence, the race for prestige lead to depression, addictions, and relationship difficulties, among other things, and these issues cannot be ignored during therapy. The APA also draws attention to the need to create local prevention programs in which therapists will take into account problems rooted in specific communities. However, not everyone will be in therapy, so it is important that the conversation about negative stereotypes remains in the public sphere. We are pleased that men themselves are willing to take up this topic. Former NFL player Wade Davis took up social activism after ending his football career. In his speeches, he encourages a certain amount of responsibility for other men, for example by loudly calling them out when they behave badly—as Twitter users did when journalist Piers Morgan ridiculed James Bond actor Daniel Craig for wearing a baby sling. In response to the journalist’s post, many fathers posted photos of themselves with their children in slings and comments such as “it’s hard to believe that someone thinks childcare is unmanly.”

So who are “real men”? Not bullying, aggressive machos who seek profit at the expense of others. Much more important are responsibility, civic courage, honesty, calmness, compassion. It turns out that “real men” are simply good people. And maybe that’s the only division we need.