Verified source

Nasze standardy sprawdzania źródeł

You KNOW to tylko rzetelne informacje oraz aktualne i wiarygodne źródła. Teksty oznaczone jako „SPRAWDZONE ŹRÓDŁO” zostały zweryfikowane przez ekspertkę_a – dzięki temu masz pewność, że czytasz najwyższej jakości treści.

You KNOW

What is shame and do we need it?

Updated: 5min.

In modern psychology, it is said that emotions should not be divided into positive and negative ones. I agree that all emotions are important and each carries a message. Even if they are unpleasant for us, they warn us of danger, they tell us what is important to us. Shame seems to be an exception, however. Scientists and shame researchers do not find any positive effects of this emotion. In this article, I will try to bring closer the topic of shame and how to tame it.

What is shame?

Shame can be toxic, destructive, cause real pain and isolate us from others. It is often associated with embarrassment, it can be a response to traumatic experiences, mistakes and blunders we have made, but sometimes it appears without a reason. For example, during menstruation - according to research conducted by Thinx, published by the New York Post , as many as 58% of menstruating people felt shame just because they were menstruating. I guess most of us can recall such a moment. A trip to the school or office toilet with a pad clutched in our hand, the discomfort that accompanies us on the first day, the fear of staining clothes or having sex during our period. The taboo topic and the belief that menstruation is "unclean" often make us feel awkward. Where does this feeling come from?

Shame is one of the self-conscious emotions that appears in the context of social relationships. Shame researcher Brené Brown defines it as "the fear of severing a sense of connection," triggered by something we have done or failed to do, a goal we have not achieved, or an ideal we have failed to achieve. It is accompanied by a belief that we are not good enough or have a flaw that makes us unworthy of love, belonging, or connection. It is often accompanied by low self-esteem and negative self-assessment.

Or maybe it's a feeling of guilt?

A key issue in explaining shame is also distinguishing it from guilt. In psychology, shame is defined as an emotion with global attribution. It makes us think about our whole selves in a negative way, e.g. "I am hopeless, clumsy, bad". We are then convinced that one event has an impact on the whole image of the self. Guilt, on the other hand, refers to a specific event. Then we make a specific attribution, which means we are able to separate the situation and evaluate it without damaging our own sense of value. In such situations, we think about ourselves "I behaved hopelessly, clumsy, badly".

How we experience these different emotions comes down to our internal dialogue. Guilt prompts us to fix the situation, apologize, or change our behavior. Shame, on the other hand, makes us want to sink into the ground, isolates us from people, and destroys our belief that we can change or improve. Unfortunately, many people still believe that shame is a good tool for influencing others. It is a type of toxic "motivation," for example, by parents or teachers who want to show a child what is allowed and what is not. However, in psychology, there is no evidence that shame is a good tool for indicating appropriate behavior.

Why is it so hard to talk about shame?

Shame is a natural human emotion. It's something we all experience, except perhaps a small percentage of people who are incapable of empathy, i.e. sociopaths. It is empathy that soothes the fear of rejection that we feel when shame washes over us. For some, just knowing that others feel the same way brings relief. For some people, dealing with shame will require work, self-forgiveness, or acceptance of something, such as an event or a weaker side.

Relationships are healing for our psyche on many levels. However, in order for a relationship to give us a sense of security, we must demonstrate the courage to share our emotions and experiences. This is when a given person becomes close to us, a bond based on trust is created. Close relationships are a buffer for a person against stress and trauma. On the other hand, shame increases the fear of rejection and makes it harder for us to open up to another person, to express our feelings.

Sometimes it is a good idea to share an embarrassing situation with a close, trusted person to get rid of your emotional baggage. Additionally, the ability to name and understand emotions builds resilience, or mental toughness. I remember more than one such situation when I told a personal story to a friend, afraid of how she would judge me. It is a great blessing to have people in your environment who show support, even when things have really gone wrong. Sometimes just being there, being there, can be a huge relief.

Taming Shame with Empathy and Courage

Researcher Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, also talks about resisting shame , which is "the ability to be authentic in the face of shame, to experience it without sacrificing our values, and to emerge from the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than when we entered it."

The author shares three strategies for taming shame :

  • Break through and share your experience with people

Shame is an isolating emotion, so the best way to counter it is to go out in public. It's good to have someone who accepts and respects you.

  • Pay attention to your internal dialogue

Check the validity of your critical thoughts. Does this embarrassing event really make you a bad person? Try to rephrase your thoughts to something more benign - "I'm okay. I can make mistakes, it's natural."

  • Being gentle with yourself does not mean giving up responsibility.

It is important to confront the event, especially if someone else has been hurt because of us. Solving the matter provides relief and a sense of agency, while suppression can cause emotions to return at the least expected moment.

Turn embarrassment into a joke

In other situations, an embarrassing mishap can be turned into a joke. Laughter allows us to relieve tension and gain distance from the situation. This was the case with my flood of the year. A real-life situation - just before leaving work, I went to the toilet to empty my menstrual cup. In my thoughts, I was already on my way to the train and when taking it out, I carelessly spilled the entire contents of the cup on the floor, and in the process, on my feet and shoes. Together with the menstrual blood, a wave of shame, mixed with disgust and anger, flooded me. I quickly started to wipe the flood, while critical thoughts "you are so careless, stupid and clumsy" were swirling in my head.

Even though no one else got hurt in this situation, and I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, there was something embarrassing about it that made me not want anyone to know about it. But once I cleaned up the flood, I felt the need to share my story with my friends. And even though I didn't feel like laughing at first, their reactions immediately made me look at the situation with distance. Now I laugh about it myself, and thanks to their openness, it's not a taboo subject for us.

Finally, returning to the research conducted by Thinx - their conclusion was also the need for open dialogue and normalization of information about menstruation. Our experiences with shame are similar. They often concern taboo topics that should not be controversial at all. It is worth considering how we formulate our internal monologue. Let's look for words and phrases that will speak about a specific situation, not our entire person. After all, life is about learning from mistakes, not making our self-esteem dependent on them.

  • Brown B. (2013). Daring Greatly. Warsaw: Laurum Publishing House
  • Padesky Ch., Greenberger D. (2016). Mind over Mood . Kraków: University of Warsaw Publishing House
  • https://nypost.com/2018/01/03/nearly-half-of-women-have-experienced-period-shaming/
  • Show Hide sources sources

    Created at: 06/08/2022

    Updated at: 16/08/2022

    Author

    Ania Cyklinska

    Psychologist

    Read also

    Bestsellers

    Here are our bestsellers that thousands of customers have already loved. Try our nourishing intimate oil or our natural water-based intimate gel for super glide. Browse and fall in love!

    View products
    • Exfoliating treatment for face and body
      Exfoliating treatment for face and body
      4.5 (983 opinie)

      Formula for pimples, effects even after 1 day!

      FROM 67,99 ZŁ
      FROM 67,99 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
    • Ingrown hair serum
      Ingrown hair serum
      4.4 (193 opinie)

      Relief from ingrown hairs in a roll-on form

      FROM 48,44 ZŁ
      FROM 48,44 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Dermo
    • Shaving set: cream, scrub and intimate oil
      Shaving set: cream, scrub and intimate oil
      4.8 (2589 opinii)

      3 steps to smooth and nourished skin

      FROM 125,79 ZŁ
      FROM 125,79 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    • A delicate deodorant for the armpits and bust.
      A delicate deodorant for the armpits and bust.
      4.4 (1759 opinii)

      For sensitive skin, 0% alcohol, aluminum and baking soda

      FROM 38,24 ZŁ
      FROM 38,24 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Intimate oil
      Intimate oil
      4.8 (2589 opinii)

      Soothes irritations, prevents pimples

      FROM 42,49 ZŁ 0,00 ZŁ
      FROM 42,49 ZŁ 0,00 ZŁ
      100ml -15%
      Bestseller
    • Nourishing blush
      Nourishing blush
      4.7 (128 opinii)

      Blend makeup with skincare

      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      NEW COLORS
    • Complete Body Shaving Routine Kit: Razor, Two Heads and Bestsellers
      Complete Body Shaving Routine Kit: Razor, Two Heads and Bestsellers
      4.5 (158 opinii)

      Perfect smoothness in a tailored subscription

      FROM 161,49 ZŁ
      FROM 161,49 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    • Regenerating serum for irritations
      Regenerating serum for irritations
      4.7 (124 opinie)

      Soothing relief after shaving (and more) in a roll-on form

      FROM 59,49 ZŁ
      FROM 59,49 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Dermo
    • Glow effect lip oil
      Glow effect lip oil
      4.6 (1004 opinie)

      Non-sticky formula with a toffee scent

      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Organic cotton pads
      Organic cotton pads
      4.8 (1637 opinii)

      100% organic cotton, day or night version

      FROM 16,14 ZŁ
      FROM 16,14 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Intimate hygiene fluid
      Intimate hygiene fluid
      4.9 (2273 opinie)

      Effectively cleanses, soothes and regulates pH level

      FROM 18,69 ZŁ
      FROM 18,69 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Intimate hygiene wipes
      Intimate hygiene wipes
      4.9 (787 opinii)

      Gentle, rinse-off, with soothing panthenol

      FROM 11,89 ZŁ
      FROM 11,89 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Shaving cream
      Shaving cream
      4.8 (417 opinii)

      Soothes irritations, provides super slip

      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Set: washing gel and face cream
      Set: washing gel and face cream
      4.7 (1145 opinii)

      Gentle cleansing and rich hydration

      FROM 127,49 ZŁ
      FROM 127,49 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    • Tampons
      Tampons
      4.8 (838 opinii)

      100% organic cotton in mini, regular or super size

      FROM 16,99 ZŁ
      FROM 16,99 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Intimate gel
      Intimate gel
      4.8 (599 opinii)

      Rich hydration, more fun from sex

      FROM 33,99 ZŁ
      FROM 33,99 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Intimate area peeling
      Intimate area peeling
      4.8 (306 opinii)

      Say “bye-bye” to red spots

      FROM 50,99 ZŁ
      FROM 50,99 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Set: shaving cream and intimate area scrub
      Set: shaving cream and intimate area scrub
      4.8 (224 opinie)

      Vegan formulas for ingrown hairs, irritations and spots

      FROM 83,29 ZŁ
      FROM 83,29 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    • Limited edition glossy lip oil
      Limited edition glossy lip oil
      4.4 (128 opinii)

      Glow in 4 sweet scents

      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Protective Lip Oil SPF 50
      Protective Lip Oil SPF 50
      4.6 (122 opinie)

      Gloss and protection for your lips

      FROM 25,49 ZŁ
      FROM 25,49 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Soothing Vitamin C Facial Serum
      Soothing Vitamin C Facial Serum
      4.7 (285 opinii)

      Nourishes, smoothes and evens out the skin tone

      FROM 84,99 ZŁ
      FROM 84,99 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
    • Protective intimate hygiene fluid
      Protective intimate hygiene fluid
      4.9 (137 opinii)

      Relief from recurring intimate infections

      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      FROM 21,24 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Set: exfoliation treatment and serum
      Set: exfoliation treatment and serum
      4.7 (48 opinii)

      Reduces pimples and soothes the skin

      FROM 161,49 ZŁ
      FROM 161,49 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    • Set: 4 steps in skin care
      Set: 4 steps in skin care
      4.7 (1145 opinii)

      For clean, moisturized, soothed, blemish-free skin

      FROM 271,99 ZŁ
      FROM 271,99 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
      Safe during pregnancy
      Cheaper in a set
    • Moisturizing face and eye area cleansing gel
      Moisturizing face and eye area cleansing gel
      4.7 (1145 opinii)

      Gentle, cleanses without feeling tight

      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      FROM 42,49 ZŁ
      -30% z kodem GLOW30
      Bestseller
    • Sanitary pads
      Sanitary pads
      4.6 (1036 opinii)

      100% organic cotton, 20 or 40 pcs per pack

      FROM 16,14 ZŁ
      FROM 16,14 ZŁ
      Bestseller
    • Set: intimate oil and intimate gel
      Set: intimate oil and intimate gel
      4.8 (2589 opinii)

      Absolute hits, they soothe dryness, spots, irritations

      FROM 67,99 ZŁ
      FROM 67,99 ZŁ
      Bestseller
      Cheaper in a set
    View products