What is shame and do we need it?

What is shame?

Shame can be toxic, destructive, cause real pain and isolate us from others. It is often associated with embarrassment, it can be a response to traumatic experiences, mistakes and blunders we have made, but sometimes it appears without a reason. For example, during menstruation - according to research conducted by Thinx, published by the New York Post , as many as 58% of menstruating people felt shame just because they were menstruating. I guess most of us can recall such a moment. A trip to the school or office toilet with a pad clutched in our hand, the discomfort that accompanies us on the first day, the fear of staining clothes or having sex during our period. The taboo topic and the belief that menstruation is "unclean" often make us feel awkward. Where does this feeling come from?

Shame is one of the self-conscious emotions that appears in the context of social relationships. Shame researcher Brené Brown defines it as "the fear of severing a sense of connection," triggered by something we have done or failed to do, a goal we have not achieved, or an ideal we have failed to achieve. It is accompanied by a belief that we are not good enough or have a flaw that makes us unworthy of love, belonging, or connection. It is often accompanied by low self-esteem and negative self-assessment.

Or maybe it's a feeling of guilt?

A key issue in explaining shame is also distinguishing it from guilt. In psychology, shame is defined as an emotion with global attribution. It makes us think about our whole selves in a negative way, e.g. "I am hopeless, clumsy, bad". We are then convinced that one event has an impact on the whole image of the self. Guilt, on the other hand, refers to a specific event. Then we make a specific attribution, which means we are able to separate the situation and evaluate it without damaging our own sense of value. In such situations, we think about ourselves "I behaved hopelessly, clumsy, badly".

How we experience these different emotions comes down to our internal dialogue. Guilt prompts us to fix the situation, apologize, or change our behavior. Shame, on the other hand, makes us want to sink into the ground, isolates us from people, and destroys our belief that we can change or improve. Unfortunately, many people still believe that shame is a good tool for influencing others. It is a type of toxic "motivation," for example, by parents or teachers who want to show a child what is allowed and what is not. However, in psychology, there is no evidence that shame is a good tool for indicating appropriate behavior.

Why is it so hard to talk about shame?

Shame is a natural human emotion. It's something we all experience, except perhaps a small percentage of people who are incapable of empathy, i.e. sociopaths. It is empathy that soothes the fear of rejection that we feel when shame washes over us. For some, just knowing that others feel the same way brings relief. For some people, dealing with shame will require work, self-forgiveness, or acceptance of something, such as an event or a weaker side.

Relationships are healing for our psyche on many levels. However, in order for a relationship to give us a sense of security, we must demonstrate the courage to share our emotions and experiences. This is when a given person becomes close to us, a bond based on trust is created. Close relationships are a buffer for a person against stress and trauma. On the other hand, shame increases the fear of rejection and makes it harder for us to open up to another person, to express our feelings.

Sometimes it is a good idea to share an embarrassing situation with a close, trusted person to get rid of your emotional baggage. Additionally, the ability to name and understand emotions builds resilience, or mental toughness. I remember more than one such situation when I told a personal story to a friend, afraid of how she would judge me. It is a great blessing to have people in your environment who show support, even when things have really gone wrong. Sometimes just being there, being there, can be a huge relief.

Taming Shame with Empathy and Courage

Researcher Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, also talks about resisting shame , which is "the ability to be authentic in the face of shame, to experience it without sacrificing our values, and to emerge from the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than when we entered it."

The author shares three strategies for taming shame :

• Break through and share your experience with people

Shame is an isolating emotion, so the best way to counter it is to go out in public. It's good to have someone who accepts and respects you.

• Pay attention to your internal dialogue

Check the validity of your critical thoughts. Does this embarrassing event really make you a bad person? Try to rephrase your thoughts to something more benign - "I'm okay. I can make mistakes, it's natural."

• Being gentle with yourself does not mean giving up responsibility.

It is important to confront the event, especially if someone else has been hurt because of us. Solving the matter provides relief and a sense of agency, while suppression can cause emotions to return at the least expected moment.

Turn embarrassment into a joke

In other situations, an embarrassing mishap can be turned into a joke. Laughter allows us to relieve tension and gain distance from the situation. This was the case with my flood of the year. A real-life situation - just before leaving work, I went to the toilet to empty my menstrual cup. In my thoughts, I was already on my way to the train and when taking it out, I carelessly spilled the entire contents of the cup on the floor, and in the process, on my feet and shoes. Together with the menstrual blood, a wave of shame, mixed with disgust and anger, flooded me. I quickly started to wipe the flood, while critical thoughts "you are so careless, stupid and clumsy" were swirling in my head.

Even though no one else got hurt in this situation, and I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, there was something embarrassing about it that made me not want anyone to know about it. But once I cleaned up the flood, I felt the need to share my story with my friends. And even though I didn't feel like laughing at first, their reactions immediately made me look at the situation with distance. Now I laugh about it myself, and thanks to their openness, it's not a taboo subject for us.

Finally, returning to the research conducted by Thinx - their conclusion was also the need for open dialogue and normalization of information about menstruation. Our experiences with shame are similar. They often concern taboo topics that should not be controversial at all. It is worth considering how we formulate our internal monologue. Let's look for words and phrases that will speak about a specific situation, not our entire person. After all, life is about learning from mistakes, not making our self-esteem dependent on them.