"I went to the bathroom at the clinic and didn't know whether to go to the bathroom or throw up first" - diagnosis... and what next?

I have had to wait for the results of a histopathology test. Naturally, the thought that popped into my head was, “What if I have cancer?” I think the brain considers such options to prepare us in some way for a possible diagnosis. My story did not use this scenario, but I have often wondered what it would be like to hear such a devastating verdict . Where should I direct my first steps? How should I treat my body? How should I cope with this breakdown and loss of ground?

There are places that help you find your way in this new reality. They stand guard, to take care of your mental well-being in parallel with treatment and pharmacology. To not fall apart into a million pieces.

Stacja Czułość – because that’s what I’m writing about – is a foundation that was established to support people with oncological diseases.

Its co-founder is Magdalena Bator. She is also the co-creator of the Zakwasownia project, which focuses on natural methods of supporting the body after an oncological disease.

In my conversation with Magdalena I had the opportunity to ask all the questions that were troubling me:

When I was preparing the questions for our interview, what surprised me the most was the fact that… you were a “corporate woman,” as your daughter put it . I was amused by the statement that “you even went to labor in heels.” Would you mind telling us your story about the journey that brought you to where you are now?

I look back at myself from those years and… I don’t like that me. In fact, I went to give birth to my younger daughter wearing high heels because I felt like I had to be perfect all the time. That’s also why when I found out I was giving birth in two hours, I quickly went to wash and dry my hair. I wouldn’t want to meet that me, I probably wouldn’t have made friends with myself.

How is it now? I enjoy putting on my hiking boots and walking in the meadows or drinking wine on the terrace overlooking the forest the most. I am a happy person at the moment who enjoys very simple things.

What was your first thought after hearing the diagnosis?

First, I asked myself the question: "Why me?", because I had a very, very difficult time before I got sick. I was in a pretty difficult relationship for 10 years, I wasn't happy, and the last year - the one I got sick - was probably the best year of my life. I was happy, very much in love, I saw amazing prospects and I simply couldn't understand why fate was so cruel to me.

I often tell the story that right after hearing the diagnosis, I left my bag with Mikołaj [Magdalena's husband – editor's note], went to the bathroom in the clinic and had such a surge of cortisol (a hormone associated with stress) that I didn't know whether to take off my pants to relieve myself first or throw up first. I didn't know what I could hold in longer. It's a behavior in the face of danger that you have to defecate, throw up – in order to be able to escape. For me, it looked exactly like this – such a primal approach to the problem. And this terrible sadness that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with the man I loved...

Did you feel that you received comprehensive information about your condition from your doctor? Were you given support, directed to people/places where you received additional help?

The truth is, I have a huge amount of respect for doctors and the work they do. Oncologists rise to the occasion to serve the crowds of people waiting in the waiting room.

However, I do not understand this system when I observe it from the sidelines. I do not understand that someone allows doctors to work in such inhumane conditions. I do not understand why they have 10-15 minutes for a visit that concerns my health and life.

Was I referred somewhere, was I taken care of psycho-oncologically? No, I did everything myself. I contacted the foundation that my friend recommended to me at the time. I contacted another doctor because I felt I needed a cross-diagnosis. My husband bought and brought home more books: Integralne według drodze nowoczesna by Justyna Posłuszna or Jak nie umierać przedmie [by Michael Greger and Gene Stone – editor's note] – it's a brilliant book that I love.

In addition, [Mikołaj] would play me films about people who had survived cancer; statements by doctors who talked about cancer because they had had it themselves. I started to delve into all of this and intuitively approach the issues of nutrition, microbiome, circadian rhythm. Interestingly, even before reading the books, I felt what things I needed to regulate in my body. I also ended up at the St. Luke's Medical Center in Gdańsk, where Dr. Krzysztof Majdyło approaches cancer treatment in an integral way, i.e. he does not negate or criticize conventional medicine, but looks for methods of supporting a sick person so that they can get through the disease better, have a chance to recover, and also have their own agency in getting well.

What was the most difficult thing about your illness?

The beginning was difficult, because I had to face this decision: how to treat it, what attitude to take towards cancer. This is also important - I do not call it a "fight" against cancer. Quite the opposite: I believe that we should talk about cancer prevention both at the treatment stage and at the remission stage. Cancer is a chronic disease, and being in a fight for many, many months is very difficult.

Our health is closely linked to our lifestyle, the environment we live in, what we eat, the fact that we don't sleep enough, that we watch blue light for too long and too much, that we put on cosmetics that are harmful to us and we don't realize it. I'm not talking about smoking, I'm not talking about toxins in the air. That we don't supplement, but we should, because we don't have enough nutrients in our food. That we don't cope with stress, we don't have methods to cope with stress and it harms us.

The most difficult thing about my illness was the clash with the system. The attitudes of doctors are incomprehensible to me, although it is already understandable where they come from. I believe that sometimes they can be harmful to patients, because if I as a patient do nothing that harms me, but simply do something that strengthens me and causes me to have faith and hope, then this should be developed, and I did not feel supported in my faith.

You can safely say that you have won life. Can you draw something good, something positive from such a serious illness? What does such an experience teach you?

The good things that have come my way are definitely Zakwasownia, the Stacja Czułość foundation, my relationship with Mikołaj, which – I have the impression – has only been strengthened by the disease. Now we are even closer, more sensitive to each other and looking at each other's needs.

I think that if it weren't for this quest for health, I would still be that stressed-out corporate person who opens his tablet or computer every Sunday just to be prepared and ready for work on Monday.

I saw a video from last year's campaign of Stacja Czułość. There is so much strength, energy, positive emotions in it! I am not surprised that the cancer tucked its tail between its legs and ran away. And what was the breakthrough moment when you decided to establish the foundation?

When we felt it was worth doing something more!

First, we decided that we had to focus on ourselves, on our health, because this is the most important value, and that is how Zakwasownia was created. For some time after its creation, something was still missing. We felt that we had to take one more step forward, i.e. start sharing what we managed to create in Zakwasownia. We wanted to devote these resources, both human and financial, to supporting people who cannot cope with this disease. That was the moment when Agata appeared in our company and told us a little about the area she dealt with as a psycho-oncologist. The foundation does not focus on raising money for surgeries or treatment. We are the first station on this journey, where we offer the first consultation, i.e. the opportunity to talk, receive tips, a certain signpost for the further path.

I encourage you to go to the website of the Stacja Czułość foundation, see the calendar, where you can easily and anonymously find a place for such a consultation, set a date and just talk, because sometimes it helps a lot. I also encourage partners of sick people to apply for such help, thanks to which it is easier to talk and be with the sick person according to their needs.

[…] My friend Emilia came up with this name, for which I send her my deepest regards. The Sensitivity Station is the station where it is worth stopping and simply surrounding yourself with tenderness. Probably not only because of the cancer, but I believe that if it is already there, tenderness should be paramount: in relation to your body, in relation to the time we have, in relation to everything we do – we simply should not spare tenderness.

"Station Tenderness". What kind of tenderness do sick people need and what is this titular tenderness?
This tenderness is precisely such mindfulness of oneself during illness. Such interest in oneself, observing oneself. We should not let ourselves get into the vortex into which the system will draw us, because that is how it will be. It will be from visit to visit, drugs, chemo, radiotherapy, quickly, quickly, quickly... Our body will be passed from hand to hand, placed in different positions, moved, irradiated. It is important to be able to stop in this.

I am very curious about the issue of physicality after mastectomy. Was it hard for you to be sensitive to yourself? Do the foundation's beneficiaries report such problems?

I didn't have a mastectomy, I had a partial removal of the breast, removal of the tumor, so fate spared me here, because it was possible to do it this way. However, I know a lot of women who have a very difficult time with themselves, with their bodies after having their breasts removed. I also know some who have managed, who have endured it.

I think this is an area where a psycho-oncologist and a therapist should step in. Women often associate their illness with a loss of femininity. There are people who openly admit to being angry at their breasts. Anger that they – the breasts – got sick.

How to regain this tenderness towards yourself?

This is what I was talking about earlier – first of all, slow down.

During treatment, time flies very quickly. It can last a year, a year and a half, sometimes two. This is a time when we often feel bad, our mood drops, depression or fear for our lives, children, family may appear. It is worth sitting down then and saying: "I am the most important in all of this". And despite the fact that this body is so sore at this moment, in bad shape, and we have some complaints about it, it is worth taking a bath, applying lotion with great tenderness and telling yourself that you love each other, and in this way surrounding yourself with tenderness.

And how do I “pass it on”? Do I understand correctly that once I take care of my own tenderness, I am only able to take care of the tenderness of others, support it, help them find it in themselves?

Well, yes. We can't share what we don't have. For me it's clear: if we want to share anything, we have to be credible.

I hope that the foundation's beneficiaries feel that I have this tenderness towards myself. I have a great love for my body and I know what it has done for me. I know where it has taken me, led me. I know how much I owe it. So I do not hold a grudge against it for this disease and that is why I am able to share it.

What nourishes you and gives you strength?

Everything makes me happy. I go out, look at nature and I am the happiest person in the world. I look at my dogs and I am happy. I wake up in the morning next to my husband and I am happy that he is next to me. I love sleeping with him, I just feel that he is somewhere on my side. I love eating breakfast with him, I really like to drink coffee in the morning in peace, without rushing. Well, all these things simply make me happy.

How are you feeling today?

Today I feel very, very good. I have good results, but after cancer you are sitting on a constant bomb. Every now and then I have such attacks that when something hurts, I immediately think: "it must be cancer again". And I am so old that sometimes something has the right to hurt me. And although I do not take any medication, nothing ails me, I do not get sick with anything, I take great care of my health, such health situations still cause anxiety. Because that's how it is - after cancer a person is alert, a bit oversensitive... and it will probably stay that way forever.