Gender norms of raising children – are you sure you are not falling into their trap?

I feel that understanding of gender theory is incomplete and very often presented in a superficial way. What's more, even a full understanding of the essence of this phenomenon may not save us from the gendered pattern of thinking that has been built in for decades.

Sometimes we don't even realize that in everyday, small statements we pass it on to our children, who, unlike us, would have a chance for an equal upbringing. So what should we pay attention to and how can we free ourselves from gender stereotypes?

The power of categorization and stereotype

I don't like generalizations, but most often any categorizations do not bring any positive effects and are based on stereotypes, including gender, race or religion.

So why do people like creating them so much?

Because they significantly simplify navigating a complex world full of new stimuli, and also save time and effort needed to absorb new information. Thanks to this, certain things seem simpler and more orderly. When we manage to adapt to them, we are accepted, but when we deviate from the established rules, we are excluded.

How quickly and easily stereotypes and prejudices develop is shown in a study by social psychologist Henri Tajfel, called the minimal group paradigm . Subjects were asked to choose the paintings they liked best, without knowing who made them. Then, the researchers divided the group into supporters of Paul Klee and Wassily Kandinsky. As it turned out, people assigned to a given group considered it the best and awarded it higher prizes, despite the fact that the criterion of assignment was irrelevant to everyone, and no one was interested in art.

What do children lose in the gender division of reality?

The gender model, in which many of us probably grew up, not only deprives us of making decisions in line with our own interests, which is often shown by the example of girls being supposed to play with dolls and boys with cars. It brings with it much worse consequences. It can standardize character traits, emotionality and lead to significant oversights related to the child's psychological development.

A girl is definitely more likely to get told off for being naughty – a boy is labeled a troublemaker – whilea boy is definitely more likely to be ridiculed and misunderstood when he cries .

Another interesting issue is the issue of ADHD diagnostics. As it turns out, it is precisely because of gender norms that girls are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. Dr. Andrea Boreatti and Dr. Frank Matthias Rudolph describe in their guide The Female Side of ADHD: A Journey into Your Unique World : “Girls also seem to learn more easily how to control or reduce ADHD symptoms in childhood, especially if these behaviors are perceived as destructive or ‘not appropriate for girls.’ Girls are put under more demands than even older boys. They learn to hide their true feelings and behave in the way that school or the surrounding environment expects them to.”

How to break free from the box as a parent?

It is not easy to step outside the box. However, it is worth considering what you can do to protect your child from being categorized based on gender. Dr. Katarzyna Serafińska from the Institute of Psychology at the University of Wrocław writes about this very aptly: "If we are afraid of some subversive in terms of gender procedures on our children, let's simply focus on ourselves, on what kind of women and men we are, whether we do what we like, whether we spend our time the way we want, whether we perform the duties that we are good at, or whether we struggle with our own femininity or masculinity. If parents themselves are fairly settled in themselves, and not necessarily in their own gender, there is a chance that they will raise their children in a gender-flexible way."

It is also worth: noticing and appreciating the child's unique features, including those that do not fit stereotypes, not generalizing and not describing gender in a social way.

"It's not appropriate for girls, boys don't like it, girls don't do it" - these mantra quotes are repeated and heard for years by successive generations. It is better to accept the view that would probably still cause quite a stir in many environments: that women and men are not fundamentally different from each other. We are biologically different, but we do not have to be socially different.

Psst! You might be interested in our article "Boys in Dresses: Do Clothes Have Gender?", check it out!

In the whole gender division, language is also important, as it carries many negative connotations, which is why I like the neutral-sounding word "person" so much. It is worth using it in all conversations with a child. Then we will notice for ourselves how unnecessary stereotypes related to gender disappear.

As you can see, gender traps lurk on every side. Your child will probably not be completely free from them, because we live in a system that is built on such division. However, we can try to do everything to ensure that home is not a place where one has to submit to it. A lot really depends on us.

M. Bilewicz, Zgrupowani , "Polityka", https://www.polityka.pl/tygodnikpolityka/spoleczenstwo/201381,1,zgrupowani.read [accessed 29/04/2022].
A. Boreatti, FM Rudolph, The Feminine Side of ADHD – A Journey into Your Unique World , translated by Aleksandra Majewska, MEDICE, WCG PHARMA, 2021.
J. Olczyk, Pink-blue division. About gender stereotypes in raising children , https://yourkaya.pl/you-know/a/o-genderowych-stereotypach-w-wychowywaniu-dzieci [accessed 29/04/2022].