"She Said It Was Stupid to Go to the Gynecologist with Your Father" - A Story of Raising a Daughter Alone

How did I become a single father?

Rather classic. It was the death of my wife, she died in November 2017. My daughter, Kasia*, was 8 at the time, now she will be 12. My situation is not very dramatic, but... you know, after her death it took a while for everything to get back on track. I was a bit disappointed with the school, with the teacher. I thought she would approach it differently. My daughter had just finished primary education and moved to a school that had been a junior high school just a short while before. It was such a shock for her that for the first year I had to sit in front of her class because the child did not want to go to school. The teacher could not understand it and pressured me to leave the building. It ended with Kasia visiting the psychologist.

I had to go with her to the men's locker room because they wouldn't let me into the women's.

Father and daughter's initial problems

Going to the pool, no family changing room. I had to go with her to the men's changing room because they wouldn't let me into the women's, and she wouldn't go by herself because of the trauma of suddenly being separated. I couldn't even go to another room without her. This awareness that she had lost one parent and could lose the other... I even asked and called the swimming pool if they even had a changing room for the disabled, so I could go there with my child. Now she's a bit older, she changes by herself.

Ripening?

We talk a lot, these are not taboo subjects for me, I always tell her that. She always says "Oh, but you know, Dad, how it is, it's stupid to talk to your father about this". But unfortunately, I had to go to the gynecologist with her. It may have been an embarrassing situation for her, but we talked about it a lot. I told her: "Kasia, well, it's too bad, you have no choice, I have to go there with you, I won't be with you in this office during the examination". Besides, I made sure that these tests would not be invasive, only external ultrasound. Despite this, I always wonder how to play it out further. I have no siblings, no sister, sometimes I rely on aunts in the family. And I often ask Kasia if she would like to talk to someone. She has two aunts the same age as her mother, so if she would like to ask someone for advice, to find out something... I always tell her that there are no taboo subjects for me. I manage to cope with it, but I am aware that it is strange for her and she is ashamed of it, although I guess it is normal at this age.

I am not embarrassed by pads, I don't understand why men are ashamed to buy them, I go, put them on the counter and that's it.

Are we talking about periods?

My wife also got her period early, it's probably genetic, so I warned her. Kasia refused, but I had to have this conversation. She uses some app, we found it together. I remind her to write everything down there and observe herself. You know how I say about it - "Leave me alone, I don't want to talk about it", but I'm a pain in the ass and I'm a pain in the ass. I don't have any siblings, but I have a very close cousin, with whom I grew up. We spent every vacation together at my grandfather's. During one of them, she got her first period. My aunt explained everything to us. I based my conversation with my daughter on that. There are many things in our conversations that are based on my memories. In this case, there were no misunderstandings, everything worked out. I don't feel embarrassed about pads , I don't understand why men are ashamed to buy them, I go, put them on the counter and that's it. Although sometimes I have to remind Kasia and ask if she has a supply. I bought her a special case so she can always carry it in her backpack. When we go shopping, she throws it into the basket herself, no embarrassment.

Did I have any support?

I used the psychological counselling service for quite a long time, over half a year, once a week. Kasia claims that such conversations did her no good, but then I remind her that two years ago I had to sit in front of her classroom every day so that she would even want to go to school. And now? Because of the job I have, I spend a lot of time at home, and my daughter even asks: "When will you go to a normal job so that I can stay home alone?". It's a huge, unimaginable leap for me. There was a stage when I had to assure her that I would only pop out for shopping during classes, but would come back for breaks. Her biggest problem was her psyche. I won't hide the fact that I had help from both of my grandmothers, they lived with us for a while, but when we finally got back on track, we preferred to live alone.

Father-daughter problems?

You know, clothes ... A month ago we were going to buy our first bra. For her it was a terrible thing – how is it possible to go with dad to buy a bra? I told her, "Kasia, go online, look for how to measure the circumference and how to measure the cup. Here's a measuring tape, write it down on a piece of paper and let's go." Of course, I'm no expert, but some lady happened to be standing next to us, so I asked if she could advise us. But my daughter is shy and I'm sure she was embarrassed that I, as a father, had to ask some lady what to choose. Of course, she would prefer to go with mom, but it is what it is. We manage somehow. We laughed about it later, it wasn't a tragedy.

Maybe it's still early days on the subject of falling in love , although I always tell her: "If you want to tell me, that's great, I'll be happy, but if not, that's okay too. I haven't talked to my parents about everything, so I understand. You'll be a teenager soon and your rebellious phase will come." Now she's had her first outing behind her. I consider it a success - until now it was unimaginable that she would go somewhere alone. She took the courage and the girls went to the cinema. I often tell her, for the future: "Whatever happens, whether it's 10, 12, 3 - you call and daddy will come pick you up. Don't think that I might be mad, I'll just come because it's about your safety."

And as for dating...

I always hoped that we would create a home where she wouldn't be ashamed to come with a boyfriend, I would like to meet him and become friends. Sometimes Kasia asks me: "What about you at school? What kind of loves did you have? And how was your mother...?" She was a bit surprised that my mother had a boyfriend before me. How do you mean it wasn't her first love? And I said no, we lived in different places, we met by accident in Germany at a pickle shop.

My love life?

My daughter had a friend at school, they became very close. Her mother taught Kasia English, our paths naturally intertwined. We became close, but this story has a sad ending, she died in March. It was very sad for me and Kasia. I could see that it shook her up. I think it coincided with her memories of her mother, especially since we had already grown attached to each other. It was a light at the end of the tunnel, some hope for a future together, but it happened as it happened. This friend doesn't have an interesting future either, because her father lives in the Czech Republic, and she has become emotionally attached to this city. I feel sorry for the child, because we also became close, but I have nothing to say. We went on several trips together, we called each other the patchwork family, although we agreed that in front of the girls we wouldn't act like a couple and we pretended to be friends. But on the day of the funeral, Kasia surprised me with a question: "Dad, did you like Monika? Could she be your girlfriend?"

The psychologist said that after the mother's death it can be different, there are no rules to this mourning in children.

There are days when Kasia sometimes remembers something, then she comes and hugs us. If she wants to cry, we cry, reminisce, look at photos or films. But there are days when she knows how to joke. Even yesterday she was laughing because her friend suddenly blurted out in conversation, "Oh, maybe your mum will go to the cinema with us?" - and she immediately thought back: "Kasia, I'm sorry, I forgot". It's better, but there's no point in hiding it, it's still quite fresh after three years.

Does your daughter have any complexes?

Yes, of course. And her nose is crooked, and her hair is too thick. I admit that I wonder how to talk to her about it, because when I deny it, she replies: "Oh, you're just saying that because you're my dad." But I watch to see if she's not convincing herself too much. This morning, on a walk, she asked me: "In your opinion, should I shave my legs?" - that caught me off guard. I'd like to know how to talk about it. I don't know what her mother would say to her at this point. For example, once she was embarrassed and asked if she should shave her armpits, so I helped her, showed her how to use a razor. Or recently she saw some fine hair on her arms and said that she might shave them too. Now she's insisting on shaving her legs. I try to downplay it a bit and tell her that she pays too much attention to it. Last week we were at the hairdresser's and she was really going through it... I had to learn how to straighten my hair with a straightener. She's outgrown her braids, she doesn't like them, now it's fashionable for these K-pop guys. I can straighten my hair, I can braid, there was no other way. For this matchmaker I had to practice, watch some tutorial. Anyway, it turned out, it wasn't a tragedy.

*names have been changed