How Not to Be a TERF? A Quick Guide

Don't be afraid.

Trans and intersex and non-binary people generally don’t want to violate your identity, they don’t want to erase the word “woman” by excluding you from the public conversation. But they do want to be included in that conversation, especially when the topic is not just about cis women. For example, when it comes to reproductive rights that are in the interests of anyone who can get pregnant, including trans men and non-binary people. If you’re sure that the group you’re talking about is made up exclusively of cis women, then using the word “women” is logical and reasonable.

Don't mock.

Transphobia is not a joke. It is not a man dressed as a woman. This approach is bullying people who are more vulnerable to depression and suicidal thoughts than others, including very young people and children, whom we truly have a moral duty to protect. Sometimes these people have years of humiliation, ridicule, and even threats behind them – both at school, online, and in their own homes. Think about whether you really find it funny, and think again before you accuse them of lacking distance or claim they are overly sensitive when they feel hurt by these “just jokes.”

Try to understand.

Reach for educational literature on transgender, talk to transgender people, listen to interviews with them. Ask yourself why you feel that inclusive language is a transgression of your boundaries. What experiences, unconscious fears might this stem from? You can justify your exclusionary approach with concern for the visibility of women in public spaces, but do trans people, who are a minority, pose any threat in this field?

Don't you understand? Admit it!

Lack of understanding of the use of neutral expressions and their function in the language of human rights (if not due to ill will but to simple human limitations) is not nasty. Ignorance and the need to exclude are nasty. I believe that many cis women who construct terf comments do so unconsciously. A noticeable discussion about transgender rights has been going on in Poland for a short time and not everyone has the right tools to lead it. It is important to respect the identity of transgender people even when you do not understand them. Just as you respect many other people, although you have not stepped into their shoes.

Do not base your argument on evidence of the presence or absence of specific sexual organs.

You have no idea how many people can be hurt at once by a comment based on this very dubious criterion. A person who does not have a uterus/ovaries/vagina is not a woman? What about people who have had a mastectomy, a hysterectomy, those with a congenitally atypical body structure? What about the ritual (and brutal) mutilation of people with clitorises and labia? Can they also be denied the right to call themselves a woman?

Use equal, inclusive language.

Some people say (probably in a burst of radical optimism) that a kind word is enough to make a day better. In order to improve the situation of trans and non-binary people – to make this minority feel seen, to become a party to the discussion – we need neutral words. If you don’t like the phrase “people with uteruses”, make up another one. One that sounds pleasant enough to your ears. “People who can get pregnant”, “people who may need an abortion” – sounds good, doesn’t it?

Inclusive language is the language of emotional intelligence and empathy . Look for them within yourself before you refuse to call someone your sister in the common cause of fighting for human rights just because they don’t fit your vision of the world. And if you don’t do that work and “slip out” a transphobic line that causes someone to call you a TERF, well, at least don’t act like you’re the one who got hurt the most.