How to talk about sex with your partner?

Why talk about your needs?

Why talk to your partner about sex? There are many reasons. First of all, sex is an area of ​​life around which many myths and false ideas still exist. For example, we may live in the belief - often not fully consciously - that satisfying sex should proceed more or less as in mainstream pornographic films, or that during sex we should behave in accordance with what is "appropriate" for our age, according to cultural gender norms or other factors. If we agree to this against our own needs and cultivate the belief that it "must" or "should" be this way, we risk situations in which sex will become an experience for us that is not only unsatisfactory, but also stressful and unpleasant or even traumatic.

What if you discussed it with your partner? What if it turned out that they understood us perfectly or tried really hard to understand us and take care of our comfort? This is the second reason why it is worth talking about sex – it is a great way not only to improve your sex life, but also to deepen your entire relationship. The sexual act itself is one of the most intimate, personal elements of a relationship, and although talking about it sometimes seems embarrassing, it can help you move to the next stage of honesty, which will also bear fruit in other areas of life. So not only sex will benefit from this, but also communication in a broad sense. Avoiding confrontation in a relationship often leads to a build-up of misunderstandings, tensions and insinuations, which is why it is worth learning to express your opinion – and also to listen to the other person's opinion, which we will return to later.

We encourage you to read the article about responsive desire .

Patience in communication

When we prepare for our first conversation about sexuality and sexual needs, we need to realize something important: this will not be a single conversation that will make our partner learn to read our minds. It is good to prepare for a whole series of conversations or even short comments and exchanges that will accompany us throughout the relationship. Let's not worry about not knowing how to put into words what we want to say - let's approach this experience with an open mind and calmly look at what will come out of such a conversation. Each party should feel safe - it does not matter if we are accompanied by shame and embarrassment, because with time they will probably disappear. It is important to try to convey at least limited information about your needs. However, if your partner puts pressure on us, we hear unpleasant comments or notice signs of lack of respect, it is necessary to carefully examine such a relationship in terms of whether it is beneficial and safe for us.

When to talk about sex?

It's a good idea to talk about sex early on in your relationship and your sexual life together - for your own safety and comfort and that of your partner. Topics like STDs are probably not particularly romantic, and we may be more interested in spontaneous sex on the wave of fresh infatuation than in a serious conversation about sex, but this is extremely important information, which is very risky to hide. It's important to discuss issues likecontraception and consent to certain sexual activities. When it comes to long-term relationships - it's never too late to start talking. Choose a quiet, leisurely moment when the risk of an unexpected phone call or a visit from the postman is minimal. Don't start right before, after or during sex - there will be time for that when the topic is familiar and it seems natural.

What to say? Sentences should start with "I" rather than "you" - this is about presenting your perspective, not about judging your partner. It is safe to start with praise. It can start with the words "I really like it when you do..." - this is a good start, especially for those who worry that bringing up the subject of intercourse is almost tantamount to saying that they are doing something wrong. When we assure you that we want more, we are giving specific, ready-to-use information. An absolutely essential condition - the praise must be sincere and true. If you want to try sharing fantasies, it is good to start with the simplest ones possible and test the ground for more elaborate ones. Remember to indicate what role the other person is supposed to play in them - this way they will not feel excluded. Observe the reaction to your confessions. If it is negative, try something else, and only come back to discuss the same thing after some time.

The language of love

Another common communication problem is the lack of a language that can describe issues related to sex without embarrassment – ​​according to many people, the Polish language is poor and inadequate in terms of talking about “these matters”, and common terms for genitals and sexual activities either evoke medical associations or seem vulgar or infantilizing. If you want, ask your partner at the beginning if she finds any words related to sex cute, funny, disgusting or arousing. Maybe together you can come up with better ones? Using terms that suit you will prove to be a significant convenience.

Empathetic communication

Equally important, or perhaps even more important, than the ability to talk about your needs is the ability to listen to your partner. If we try to listen carefully and calmly and do not look for hidden criticism or accusations, we are already halfway to success. The key here is to put emotions aside. Although it probably seems difficult, without such a "cool eye" it is easy to fall into a spiral of over-analyzing what we have heard and start to compose quick answers instead of focusing on listening. Let's not be afraid to ask for details, even a simple "can you tell me more about that?". If we hear something that arouses resistance in us, let us take time to think about the new information - let your partner know about it ("I'll think about it", "we'll come back to the topic over the weekend", "we can try, but I want to be able to withdraw if I don't like it", "I need more information" and similar) and first consider the source of your reaction. Have we been criticized? Have we learned about the fantasy that is causing us resentment? How do we feel about it and what can we do about it? It is important to listen to our thoughts and emotions and think of a response that will facilitate further communication, not make it more difficult.

Let's not forget what seems obvious, but when emotions are involved, it's easy to forget: people have different characters, are raised in different ways, and have different experiences. We should take this into account and not expect, for example, that partners who are sparing in expressing their feelings will start showering us with caresses at every turn. The goal is not to change the other person, but to better understand each other.

Consent is key

When it comes to specific proposals, remember to have each party consent. Everyone has the right to decide what they want to do and what they don't. Don't force your ideas or agree to activities that you don't want to do - this also applies to activities that have already taken place. You can suggest something else or simply refuse. Of course, you don't have to explain your refusal, but sometimes a few words of explanation can help avoid misunderstandings - if, for example, you're not in the mood because of a stressful day or your hygiene is questionable, it's worth mentioning this so that the other person doesn't build an untrue theory in their head about rejecting their proposal. Don't force yourself to do something that only your partner wants - if your boundaries are being crossed, say it openly. You have every right to do so.

Dissatisfaction with sexual life

How to talk to your partner about sex that doesn't satisfy you because of certain things they do (or don't do)? At first, you'll probably be hesitant to tell your partner about your sexual dilemmas. However, if you avoid it, you'll risk a big problem. Some behaviors can be changed because they result from, for example, the other person's unawareness or reluctance to engage in some sexual activity. In such cases, a simple question like "can you do Y instead of X?" can make your partner understand the hint and respond better to your needs. If that doesn't help, say it more directly, but gently and without negative judgment - the point is to give guidance, not criticism. Sometimes problems also stem from beliefs such as specific roles for women and men in a relationship or judging what is "appropriate" based on figure, age and other insignificant data. Discussing them can relieve your partner of unnecessary pressure.

Needs on paper

Are you still having trouble talking about sex? Maybe you could start a special notebook together that will help you communicate? This will give you more time to think and space to get used to the subject. A good idea is to write down your suggestions on the left-hand side of the notebook and leave the opposite side for answers. Let's remember the rules that work well in conversation: try to write clearly and inclusively, don't be afraid to ask additional questions and don't leave entries unanswered. Comments such as "I'd rather not", "I'll think about it", "I thought about something similar, but..." are specific pieces of information that are much more helpful than silence and guesswork. You can leave the notebook on your partner's desk or in your backpack, and in the future you may want to review it together or read it aloud to each other - this is close to an open conversation about sexual needs.

Talking about sex may seem awkward at first, but it will probably get easier with each subsequent attempt. It’s important to be cooperative, not “tug-of-war,” and to relax a bit. It’ll be much easier to stick to your goal when you’re relaxed—and the goal is to find pleasure, after all.