Supporting psychosexual development and adult human sexuality
All of this is possible for those parents who want it. And regardless of whether they know the standards of sex education of the WHO, the world health organization. Precisely thanks to wise support and gentle accompaniment in how children's sex education is conducted. So as to notice irregularities. But also so that young people can use their support in situations of its natural and normal manifestations. Such as, for example, aspects of touching one's own body (and I do not mean "learning to masturbate " supposedly recommended by the WHO), so-called childhood exhibitionism or how sexual or gender identity is shaped.
Family Sexual Culture
Supporting children's psychosexual development will of course vary depending on the sexual culture of our families. Some are less restrictive in terms of sex education, while others are more so. But each deserves knowledge, empathy, and a clear, honest presence and age-appropriate conversation on topics related to sexuality. And this applies to both preschool children and teenagers. I write "presence" and "conversation" because supporting the development of psychosexual development is not just about conducting a dialogue or some dry information about sex. Sometimes all children and young people need is to experience the conviction that they are important and needed. And this applies to people of all ages.
What is part of sex education?
In this text, I would like to show such elements of this process that may not always be obvious. Often, what we call sex education is associated exclusively with knowledge for children and young people about where babies come from. Or how to put on a condom. Or it is a collection of facts about sexually transmitted diseases. This is an absolutely important part of it, which also meets WHO standards, but not the only one. It concerns sexual activity itself, but after all, sex education is not only erotic activity and information on this topic. It is also how we enter into relationships, how we argue, how we perceive and understand ourselves, how we perceive the sensations of our own bodies, and a whole host of other important components. I will try to present some of them below.
Boundaries in relationships
One of the most common difficulties in how we function in relationships, but also in any other form of being with others, is the ability to set boundaries. In fact, it is often not even about setting boundaries, but rather about recognizing where these boundaries are. And this is regardless of whether it is simply contact with another person or sex. Thanks to this, we know what is important to us, what is supportive, and what is harmful. This is undeniably the sexual education that we all need.
Expressing disagreement
Very often I talk to people who have experienced abuse of their body during intercourse or even sexual violence, but they were unable to recognize it. And it is not necessarily about assuming good intentions of the other person, it was their first love or a long-term partner. It is more about the difficulty in checking "Is this something I did not want?" "Did I feel like it?" Such information about oneself sometimes seems unattainable.
Such a difficulty is not something incomprehensible. We can actually assume that many adults quite often have difficulty recognizing their own boundaries, not only in the matter of sexuality. Sex education is absolutely necessary here. But we should also remember that this results mainly from the way we were raised. Were we allowed to express our opposition and was it respected? But also, as a child, were we allowed to observe how adults take care of their boundaries when children try to force them? So these are not always strictly sexual topics.
Restrictive parents and parents with no rules
It very often happens that overly restrictive guardians punish children for every manifestation of their own opinion or opposition. But on the other hand, parents who have difficulty following the rules are afraid to say "no" to their child. Even at the expense of their own comfort or the comfort of others, just to avoid exposing themselves to the child's violent anger. Because - as we know - children up to about 6 years of age are not able to accept a refusal in a civilized way. And by "civilized" I mean one that does not involve, among other things, screaming/crying for twenty minutes. Trying to avoid such righteous anger prevents an adult from taking care of themselves. But a child also cannot experience that other people have their limits.
Building healthy boundaries is a sexual education that takes place in a process. It begins in early childhood. For this construction, each of us needs not only literal knowledge of WHO standards, but above all, engaged and wise parents/guardians. This supports the psychosexual development of preschool children, those between 6-9 years of age, as well as teenagers.
Experiencing emotions
Sex education also includes another important element. The element of safe and healthy adult sexuality, which is the ability to experience emotions. Whether at the age of ten or seventy. We all know that broken hearts can ruin lives. Unfulfilled desires can be a torment that prevents you from enjoying everyday, ordinary life and can be a threat to your mental health.
Experiencing emotions is a topic that is related to feeling a given emotion and being able to stay in it without having to escape, suppress, or release it. And while staying in joy seems easy, staying in fear or anger can be more difficult. Sometimes – unbearable. This is why, among other things, people in stable relationships, including sexual ones, cheat. Or people without relationships decide not to build any despite the inner desire to be in some.
It is the difficulty in tolerating anger at a partner or the fear associated with being in relationships, including sexual ones, that can lead to betrayal or giving up on relationships.
Experiencing emotions and situations
And that is why the ability to experience emotions – to be in them until they naturally, physiologically, pass – and then deal with the situation/person that caused them is so important. And this is again something that we have the opportunity to learn as children and then young people in family homes. And it is also an element supporting family education on sexual issues. Because it is in relationships with parents/guardians that we learn this difficult art of not running away from what we feel. And it is not a matter of passing on information or knowledge, but the experience of care and soothing.
Feeling in the body
The difficulty in consciously experiencing emotions often begins when we are unable to observe them in the body. We do not know what it is like to feel anger in the body, which is why we often explode instead of assertively expressing this anger. Knowing in which part of the body we feel a given emotion allows us to express it in a healthy way towards ourselves and others. But also to experience it in a healthy way. And it is also something that constitutes family sexual education, which should include children and young people.
Supporting children's psychosexual development will also consist of accepting the emotions they express. In this way, we teach children not to suppress them. This way, they can stay in touch with them and how they manifest in the body.
Knowing your own body
But in terms of the body, there is another important issue that supports a child's development. Namely, it is about knowing one's own body and one's own gender. From around the age of two, children begin to be interested in sexual organs. First their own, and then, over the years, in the organs of others. Parents and peers. This is a completely healthy and necessary interest, as well as an element of sexual education.
From my sexological practice, it is easier for parents to stay in touch with such interest expressed by a son than by a preschool-age daughter. A penis seems less shocking to families and sometimes even grandmothers laugh at the boys' delight in their own penis.
Girl's body
It is different with girls. Their interest in the vulva is a topic that is more often met with discomfort, reluctance, and the need to suppress this part of sexuality. Interestingly, parents of daughters are more likely to visit sexologists because of so-called child masturbation than those of sons. It does not seem that the topic of child masturbation is something that concerns daughters more often. Interviews show that parents simply see such behavior in girls more often as something that is inappropriate. Something that is disturbing and reflects “badly” on a female child. After all, girls are supposed to be polite!
Castrating sexuality
In connection with this, even in the age group of 0-4 years, girls more often have some part of their sexuality castrated. Their anatomy is not named correctly as if it were a preventive element of masturbation. Instead of the correct terms "vulva", "vulva", "pussy", it seems that they should use words such as "ass", "second ass", "bottom". Moreover, even the appearance of the correct name often ends in a lack of distinction between "clitoris", "urethral opening", "vaginal opening", "labia". And after all, this is what the vulva consists of. And even for a child it is important to be able to distinguish that the urethra hurts when urinating in the event of a urinary tract infection. Or the labia due to some hypersensitivity, e.g. to laundry detergent. After all, this is important information about health.
Avoiding proper naming ends up making it difficult for adult women to experience positive, pleasurable sex. Or to positively experience their femininity, how they are built, how their bodies function. A wise home sex education should include these elements.
Mirrors in hand
In addition to naming, it is also important for a child to be able to look at their own genitals. And while a boy can look at his penis at any time, a girl usually has such free access to looking at herself. As if it were outside of education about yourself. Hands up, who of you or your daughters had the opportunity to look at your own vulva in the mirror? And I do not mean adult or even teenage viewing, but child viewing. Supported by the parent with the words "You are curious about how you are built, it's natural, if you feel like seeing yourself, take a mirror and look at yourself". While providing a safe and comfortable, secluded place, so that you can refer to the child's sexuality with respect and in a healthy way. So that it can be an element of proper sexual education about yourself.
Communication
Communication is the foundation of relationships. That is why proper communication can also be considered an element of sexual education. We need communication at every stage of life. And yes, newborns and small children also communicate, even if they do not articulate the words we know. Moreover, our pets do this too, as anyone who had to listen to cat arias at six in the morning knows, because the cat was dying of starvation.
The communication matrix that we use in adult life is of course built in family homes. It is there that children, and later young people, learn through observation and modeling, among other things, how to resolve conflicts, profess love, or ask for help.
Communication modeling
Observing how we communicate, how we express disagreement, and how we talk about needs supports children in their development. Such support is useful in childhood, in a preschool group, but it becomes a huge resource in adult life. Each of us knows at least one person - and usually even more - who is not able to directly express their opinion, present an opinion, or convey information. Communication with such a person is very difficult. We can of course learn to talk in a roundabout way, but it costs more time and effort.
That is why modeling communication that facilitates rather than builds walls is an important parenting task. Important, although – like most of them – quite difficult, and not always taught in school. You may notice deficiencies in your way of talking or some obstacles to such safe, healthy communication. This is natural. You should not torment yourself. Just spending time and thought on how to develop your skills in this area can be helpful. Sex education must include knowledge about how to communicate.
Knowledge and understanding
The most obvious way to support psychosexual development is to provide knowledge and understanding of this knowledge. Children start to be interested quite quickly in where they came from, what sex is. And as the years go by, they start to ask. About all the things related to various issues related to sex education. Oh, because they heard something in kindergarten, school. Oh, because they saw something on TV. So they can ask about what oral sex is, pornography, abortion, or various other words or terms, including vulgarities.
Providing answers has two purposes. First, the child satisfies their curiosity and gains knowledge. Second, and perhaps most importantly, we build a bond and a sense of trust in us as parents/guardians. This applies to both children and young people. And such trust and bond are invaluable during adolescence and then also in adulthood, because we simply need them as people. It is thanks to them that we can have a satisfying relationship with the child, one that allows for conversations, support and companionship at different stages of life.
From general to specific
It is worth remembering that such responses to a child's curiosity take place gradually. From general to specific, according to the principle that information should be adapted to age. A small child does not need to know everything right away. Most often, when asked "Where did I come from?", it is enough to answer "From the belly." Or "From the uterus." For a two-year-old, such information will be completely sufficient for quite a long time. Small children do not ask questions about gender identity or directly about how to get pregnant. Rather, these are questions that somehow concern their everyday life - where is my brother from, where am I from, why do I have a penis/vulva.
But the second important principle of sex education when answering questions – apart from providing as much detail as is appropriate for age – is the issue of honesty and sincerity. They are the basis of trust and therefore the information or answers should be truthful. Also when we simply do not know what to answer at a given moment.
Care and attention
The above areas of sexual education are among the most important in caring and attentive accompaniment in the development of a child of any age. Such presence is not always easy, sometimes it seems even beyond strength and is associated with a really great effort. Not all of us have the resources to deal with sexuality on our own, even when it comes to our own child and their sexuality or sexual education. Especially if we belong to people who have difficulty dealing with their own sexuality. However, this is not something that disqualifies us from being an engaged parent and guardian of children and young people.
We have an influence on our own sexuality and our own sexual education – how we think about it and how we implement it – at every stage of adult life. And this means that at every stage of our own adult life, we can also take care of ourselves with mindfulness and tenderness. Look at our own fears, anxieties, discomforts. Find our own blockages and frustrations. This will not only allow us to get in touch with ourselves, but will also enable us to support children in sexual education and to accompany them calmly and sustainably in their development.
Change
It is important to remember that even patterns learned from the family home that make it difficult for us to function with others can be changed. At any stage. We can even change our attachment style, let alone our approach to sex. This is not always a simple change, and reading a sentence that it can be done is not enough. Nevertheless, it is a possible change and available to all who want it. It is worth remembering this especially when we are overwhelmed by our own difficulties and mechanisms that make life difficult. Or when we realize that - when it comes to the sexual sphere - it is not necessarily easy for us to be a support for our own children.
Created at: 13/08/2022
Updated at: 13/08/2022
