Does childhood influence relationships?
No one is born with interpersonal skills – we learn them both in childhood and throughout the rest of our lives. Conflicts can be caused by our habits, upbringing, but also by our values and beliefs . The way a given relationship will develop largely depends on the attachment style that a given person developed with their parents in early childhood . Studies on this with the participation of parents and infants have been going on since the 1960s and have been repeated thousands of times, on people from different cultures. In experiments, they observed how a child reacts to the stress associated with the caregiver leaving the room. Thanks to them, it was proven that the key to assessing a relationship is how a child behaves when the mother or father returns after a short absence. Over the years, psychologists have distinguished two main attachment styles – secure and anxious , with the latter having several subtypes. Let's discuss the most important of them.
Attachment styles in relationships
Secure attachment style
Children who have formed a secure bond with their parents have experienced a sensitive response from parents who see and understand their needs. This does not mean that such caregivers are perfect or that they are able to cope with every difficulty or whim of the child - they are, however, present. Through support and care, young people develop emotional intelligence and confidence in their own agency . They grow into adults who cope with numerous challenges and disappointments, accepting the good times with joy.
Such adults value communication, are able to show empathy towards others and set boundaries . They also remain independent and self-reliant because in childhood their own opinions were valued and encouraged to express them. Opposition did not mean a refusal of love from parents, for example through insults or severe punishments. People with a secure attachment style are able to regulate their emotions, have insight into their own mind and behavior. Closeness to another person brings joy and does not overwhelm . They are able to cope with the expectations of their partner because they do not feel obliged to meet the requirements of others, but do so out of concern. However, if they are unable to meet expectations, they cope better with a sense of guilt or fear.
Insecure attachment style
This attachment pattern, also known as ambivalent, is formed in children whose parents were sometimes present and sometimes not . They grow into adults living amidst a great deal of chaos, fear and uncertainty . In childhood, they learned that they could not count on trust and contact in relationships with caregivers, which often left their need for connection unmet . As adults, they lack a sense of inner certainty in relationships with other people, and are characterized by emotional outbursts and a great deal of anxiety.
They may often have trouble coping with their own needs in the context of close relationships and are often carried away by strong emotions : for example, anger, resentment, fear. People feel a strong need for relationships, but are characterized by an unwillingness to take responsibility, which sometimes results in rejecting others. Such paradoxical behaviors may indicate the presence of a fear of relationships , which I will return to. Equally often, people with an insecure attachment style have difficulty finding the right balance in a relationship between closeness and independence from their partner. This imbalance also affects mutual trust in the relationship, which can further intensify crises.
Avoidant attachment style
Another attachment pattern is characteristic of people whose emotional needs were often ignored in childhood . Parents of such children tend to be cold, distant or even violent. The first years are therefore filled with experiences of rejection, lack of warmth and trust . Over time, such a person becomes convinced that no one understands them and that they cannot count on other people to be interested in their needs . They ignore their own emotions and avoid communicating the difficulties they experience.
People with an anxious attachment style suffer from low self-esteem and also show deep distrust in interpersonal relationships . In such a situation, they develop a strong fear of rejection, while the natural and basic need for love remains unmet. They can feel tense and withdrawn not only in romantic relationships, but also in social ones . They are often emotionally distant, avoid closeness and reject attempts to establish friendships. If they enter into a relationship, their partners can often feel lonely , which leads to crises and tensions.
The mechanism of action is confirmed by neuroimaging studies. One of them examined the neural reactions of different people to other people's faces and emotions. It turned out that people with an anxious attachment pay less attention to faces and emotions , which makes them less able to understand other people and show empathy. In people who developed a secure style, the situation was the opposite.
Disorganized attachment style
The last and most difficult type of anxious attachment is disorganized attachment style. It occurs when a child is not only avoidant or uncertain about the reactions of their parent, but is actually afraid of them. Instead of safety, they perceive their parent as a source of danger, chaotic behavior, or neglect. The style is called disorganized because such people do not know healthy strategies for coping with the world. Their inner world is chaotic - they simultaneously want to turn to their parent for help and run away from them.
From a neurological perspective, such a person has a disorganization between the brain stem, which warns of danger, and the limbic system, which strives to build an attachment bond. In this case, he cannot fulfill his desire because the parent is also a source of fear. The consequences of fear of the parent are problems with regulating emotions and difficulties in finding a sense of security in adulthood. A disorganized coping strategy can lead to a state of dissociation, which is a sign of some mental disorders.
Neuroscience also provides answers to how developmental trauma, i.e. parental abuse and neglect, affects brain development . It has been shown to damage areas responsible for neural integration, which may explain problems with emotion regulation, reduced social skills, as well as self-hardship or self-sabotage.
Empathy and connection
To sum up this long, but hopefully very informative introduction to attachment styles, I would like to emphasize that the type of bond we have with our caregivers is not a life sentence . The way we understand our childhood experiences and how our minds shape memories is of great importance. Gaining insight and understanding family bonds from several generations back can lead to understanding situations with acceptance and compassion. This is of course a difficult process , requiring long psychotherapy and time to implement new skills, but it really is possible !
We recommend our article about the first visit to a psychotherapist .
Why is it so important to develop a secure attachment style? This is related to the so-called mirror neurons, which develop in the first years of life and enable empathy. A child learns about emotions through parents or caregivers, who become a mirror reflecting their feelings. In this way, they also receive information about the adequacy of their experiences. For example, if a child cries because they need something, and the parent gets angry or avoids contact, the message is " Your needs are not important, you have no right to expect care from me ."
Studies have shown that children with a secure attachment pattern were more affected by the crying of another person and took on a sad facial expression. It is also extremely important to name emotions in conversation at a later stage of a child's development. Understanding your own emotions is the basis for identifying them in others, which translates into the ability to empathize. Empathy, in turn, is the basis of social competence . It differs from compassion in that it is a more complex form - it includes awareness and intuitive understanding. To learn more, see our article on empathy .
People who have not had the opportunity to develop a secure bond may, due to their experiences, find it difficult to feel empathy . In adulthood, this often leads to difficulties in communication and even arguments. The crisis may have a root cause, based on what is happening inside one of the partners. It is worth considering whether the person is suffering from a developed fear of closeness or fear of rejection. In the next part, I will discuss these two issues.
I love and I run away
Fear of closeness and connection is actually a strong fear of dependency. Referring to attachment styles, a person who does not have a model of what closeness should look like and did not feel that their feelings are accepted may also have difficulty creating such a relationship with a partner. It is also important to develop trust, which is associated with the belief that relationships can be relied on, created and improved. People who were dependent on a parent's mood or were emotionally neglected may develop the belief that it is not worth trusting people because they hurt us. Another pattern may be an aversion to close relationships resulting from limiting the possibility of making decisions about oneself.
Something a bit different is the fear of rejection, also known as nullophobia. It can be related to a low sense of self-worth, which a person makes dependent on a partner. With low self-esteem, rejection is almost destructive, which is why there may be a problem with entering into a relationship. It is important to identify the fear and think about what is blocking me from getting closer or entering into a relationship. In another case, it would be worth considering whether this fear is maintaining the crisis in the relationship, or maybe preventing the separation from a toxic partner.
How to fix closeness?
My long introduction was intended to explain the roots of a crisis in a relationship. Often, problems in couples stem from intrapersonal difficulties, i.e. within the person. However, it is important how we express our emotions and needs – do we speak from the “I” message, i.e. from ourselves, or do we direct accusations towards our partner? In a crisis, there may be a greater tendency to impulsiveness. We react defensively to incorrectly formulated messages, ignoring the words that hurt. A properly conducted conversation can help to resolve a crisis and reduce negative emotions and tension in the relationship. However, it is worth undertaking this together and giving yourself time to learn how to show closeness to each other.
A therapeutic concept that illustrates building true closeness in a simple and accessible way is FAP – Functional Analysis Psychotherapy. Although it is a behavioral therapy in principle, it can also be applied to romantic relationships. In therapy, the tool for the change that occurs in the client is a deep, authentic and caring therapeutic relationship . Ultimately, the patient who experiences closeness and understanding then transfers the skills acquired during psychotherapy to their own relationships. In my opinion, this model can be a great illustration for psychoeducation and work on one's own or with a loved one.
The basis of the model is balance and reciprocity, which should be shown in the relationship. Every moment of human closeness and interaction begins with presence, or mindfulness of the here and now, of the other person. The two pillars of building a relationship are courage and love . Let's discuss briefly what the individual steps of such communication mean.
- Starting from the top, showing yourself is also revealing your feelings, also indirectly, i.e. through facial expressions, body language or emotion . These are signs of courage, because we often prefer to hide our true emotions, to act tough and unmoved. For example, a person whose needs were ignored in childhood may be afraid to show what they really feel. The other person's task in this situation will be to provide a safe space to be vulnerable . We can then simply be with this person, without judgment or imposing suggestions. This is a signal of love, not only romantic, but also understood as a warm, pure feeling.
- The next stage is self-expression, i.e. talking about your feelings and needs . This point can also be extended to Michael Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication techniques, which also encourage self-talk. It is important not to shift responsibility for our emotions onto the other person, e.g. by saying " You make me nervous all the time ." We can change it to " I get nervous when you do... " and name the specific behavior. When we talk openly and directly about our feelings, the other party should provide us with care through validation, i.e. giving us the right to experience such emotions . It does not have to be an admission of error, but just an assurance that you can feel this way.
- The third stage is asking, which may involve a specific action, advice, support, or an apology or request for forgiveness . The other party then has the opportunity to give, that is, express their love through behavior, attitude, or fulfillment of a request.
- If he does, then the last step comes, which is acceptance and bonding . Accepting support or advice is key to reciprocity! By rejecting the help we need, we can hurt the other person. A brave gesture would be to thank, appreciate or say directly: " I feel more close to you now ", " You are important to me ".
Working on empathy is possible
Neurological studies confirm how important the first years of our lives are for the formation of empathy . Harshness and dryness in family relationships can lead to problems in building closeness and relationships. However, each of us has a chance to change. There are more and more therapeutic techniques and openness to talk about one's psyche and feelings. Whether or not a crisis can be overcome depends on both partners and mutual trust. Research on Psychotherapy Based on Functional Analysis confirms that creating bonds and closeness can be learned. We have the right to use the support that therapy provides.
Created at: 06/08/2022
Updated at: 15/08/2022
