"I got it" - first time from the guys' perspective

"We discovered sex through trial and error"

Cuba, 23

he made his sexual debut at the age of 17

The first time was on the occasion of one of the "monthly anniversaries" and although we didn't say it out loud, we felt that it could happen because the circumstances were ideal. All the first times happened in a room that one of us rented, we had really good conditions. No one behind the wall, a lot of free time, a relaxed approach, so we didn't tense up that it had to be today because the next occasion would be in a hundred years.

I feel a bit embarrassed, but I don't remember exactly what I felt then. I know what I felt around that first sex: there was a lot of love, a sense of respect, mutual understanding, a cool "oh man, this is great, I'm discovering love with my friend!" I was emotionally ready. I didn't have high expectations, because my transition from not having sex to having sex was very smooth and spread out over time. We didn't rush it and went through the "bases" slowly, and before we had our "first time" according to such a heteronormative definition, we had done a lot of petting, oral sex, "manual" sex, and so on. Before that, I had only talked about sex with this person, but I admit that there was also some Googling, reading some shitty forums for women and the like. I didn't count on finding any secrets or cheats for the sex game there, but I had in the back of my mind that maybe there was something I should know that my partner wasn't telling me. Ultimately, it turned out that scrolling was of no use, and I learned the most from life.

Porn definitely had an impact on my expectations later, after we had been having sex for a while, but I think we discovered sex together through trial and error. After a few times, sex stopped being something mystical and mysterious, and it was a bit like that for me before – I knew that porn didn’t give the full picture, and I had no one to talk to about it honestly, so any information I could get was from the internet and porn, which is a really poor source.

"I was very afraid of premature ejaculation"

Wojtek, 24

he made his sexual debut at the age of 19

The first time was at my girlfriend's house, in the evening, with music playing. I was afraid of premature ejaculation and to postpone it, I was looking for some kind of a starting point, I focused a lot on the music then. It was also her first time. I expected to feel more confident, to prove something to myself and to have satisfaction from it. When I think about it, I guess that was the primary thing, and the physical satisfaction and the benefit to the relationship were secondary. I had the feeling that this relationship was a bit forced, but maybe the sex would spice it up a bit, that it would be this interpersonal glue. I had no romantic vision of it.

Was I ready? Emotionally, not at all. This relationship was problematic and I felt like I was forcing sexual contact and I was the one pushing, and the girl was afraid, even though she was a year older than me. I felt pressure to finally start having sex. I was 19 and every now and then this topic came up in conversations with friends, so it was associated with a sense of delay, that something was unavailable to me, but it should be, and that it was late... It wasn't pressure that someone was standing over me and telling me to have sex. I had friends who had already done it in middle school. Later, in high school, when we talked about it among friends, everyone seemed to react with understanding, but also looked down on me a bit... I had the feeling that I was missing out on something.

I was really afraid of this premature ejaculation and it was hard for me to enjoy intercourse because I felt like I had no control over my body. It wasn't like, "Okay, that's checked off," but rather, "Oh, I have a whole lot of learning to do to have sex and get satisfaction from it." Plus gender stereotypes - active male and passive female - how can you be active if you ejaculate prematurely?

As for the influence of pornography on my concept of sex – I have the impression that it still haunts a person, you can’t get rid of it. But the moment when sex demythologized for me was about three years ago. My next relationship was also sexually unfortunate, and it was only with a partner with whom I could function a bit more openly that I realized that sex is not such a big deal, that there can be something casual about it.

I feel like I acted badly towards that first girl. I wasn't emotionally ready for something like that at all, but I still feel like I took advantage of her in some way.

”The issue of unwanted pregnancy overwhelmed me emotionally”

Eric, 25

made his sexual debut at the age of 17

My first time was at my roommate's, before going to a party with friends. It was with a friend we knew a little bit. We weren't in a relationship before or after, we just met every 2-3 weeks outside of our standard group meetings and we both benefited from trying different things. A fair deal - I think we avoided the risk of burdening ourselves emotionally. We have a very good relationship to this day, we're friends, although we haven't slept together since high school, when we both started other relationships. My first time was accompanied by really strong excitement, and then a big fear of pregnancy. I think I was ready for the act itself, but not for the responsibility. At that age, the issue of unwanted pregnancy was fucking overwhelming me emotionally and could even cause neurosis. The bullshit from my classes at the licbaza didn't help, where the biology teacher told us that condoms have micro holes through which sperm pass - seriously.

I basically just wanted to do it, it was such an important part of growing up and peer pressure played a role here. It was important to get it over with, maybe even a little bit as an "achievement". I didn't feel any pressure from my partner - maybe a little bit, but it was the same from me, so we just kind of turned each other on a little bit. After that, I really relaxed about putting pressure on myself. From today's perspective, 17 is not that young, but back then I thought I was a bit behind the times. At the time, that event mattered; today I'm completely indifferent to it and I don't feel like it had any effect on my sex life. More like the whole relationship, but not the first time itself.

"I need a deep relationship to feel like having sex"

Charles, 23

the first time is still ahead of him

If everyone around you has already had their first time, you can feel a lot of pressure, but on the other hand, you can be completely unconcerned. And I think I belong to the second group, who don't care at all. I think sexuality is the most personal area of ​​our lives, and the one in which we should have the most freedom. Sex is there to please us, and if we do something under pressure, a lot of that pleasure is taken away. Personally, I don't feel any pressure and I think that's why I have such stable self-confidence - I can do exactly what I want and what I'm ready for.

When I was 19-20, I thought that maybe I should check this experience off, so that I would know what it was about and not be different from others - but looking back, I prefer to wait for a situation in which I feel that this is exactly what I want to do. I need a deep connection with another person to feel the desire to have sex at all. The one-night stand culture is completely not my world, for me this kind of sex simply would not bring any satisfaction. I wait until I am in a relationship with someone and that will be the next natural step. I am open to this person being of any gender. It would be good if we did not take it too seriously - if you think about it, sex is quite an awkward, weird act, so it is better if we approach it with a sense of humor. There should be no things in bed that are considered abnormal or embarrassing. I hope that during my first time I will be in such an aura of total acceptance, because this is the moment when we discover a side of ourselves that we have not shown to anyone.

Psst! You might also be interested in our article on spanking during sex?

"We went to the hotel with a guy I met at the club"

Oscar, 25

he made his sexual debut at the age of 21

My first time was with a woman. It was before I came out. I grew up in a very Catholic family and there was pressure to have a girlfriend, a wife and so on, so I tried with women. It clearly didn't suit me, but I tried to fit in. I was 21 when I came out. About six months later I went to Berlin and that's where I could be myself.

To be honest, the real first time was in Berlin. It was so random, we went to a hotel somewhere with a guy I met in a club. I was excited that it would happen, but I had no idea how it would work. Of course, it was protected sex, that much I knew. As long as I was the active party, it was no problem: you put on a condom and go. Then, when I decided to be passive, it was worse, because no one taught me how to do it - and that was a big problem, because I was afraid of it, I didn't feel comfortable, there were a lot of different mishaps. Only then did my older friends explain to me how to do this kind of thing. These are the basics, and I didn't know anything. That first time was completely unemotional, strictly technical. It was nothing special for me, but the whole time I had in the back of my mind that it was wrong and shouldn't be done. Especially because of my upbringing. It lingered for some time. This is probably the biggest problem in my case – family and culture have had an impact on my sexual life, but also on my psyche, for a long time.

I learned everything about sex in English, because I started having sex the way I wanted to only in Berlin. Then I went to the Middle East, I lived there for two years - no one ever spoke to me in Polish. To this day, dirty talk and talking about sex in Polish pisses me off and sounds strange to me. Actually, there is no Polish gay porn, so it is hard to get used to it, even in this way. This taboo is very important in Poland. In Berlin I opened up more, and in Turkey completely, because there were no people I knew there, so I created my own world. I definitely felt free there. These trips influenced that a lot.

"I just wanted to get it over with"

Andrew, 28

he made his sexual debut at the age of 20

It was a girl I was seeing, she stayed with me overnight one time and I was already convinced that this was the moment, I had to do it now. I didn't tell this girl that it was my first time, I was embarrassed about it. In my opinion, it was very late. So late that I already thought that I would have to deceive other people for the rest of my life, that I had already had sex. I really needed it, but it didn't happen all the time, and I was very ashamed in front of my friends and I rather tried not to talk about it, or rather I convinced everyone that yes, of course, I had already done many things. I lived in this belief for so long that I probably started to believe that I was a player. The later it happens, the harder the first time is, I have the impression - because the pressure increases then. And the greater the pressure, the less pleasant it all is. I was not emotionally ready for it at all, I didn't feel comfortable. I was very tense.

Many men complain that condoms get in their way and that when they put them on, they fall off. I think you can get used to condoms, and the fact that the erection disappears is because you don't feel completely comfortable. It happened to me - and there was frustration related to inserting the penis inside. The more it didn't work out, the more the tension grew. As a result, the whole intercourse was just trying to do something with a semi-erection. It was very bad. I had no expectations, I just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to have it checked off in a way. It was a burden for a very long time.

Of course, it happened so late because of my lack of emotional readiness. I simply did not have the tools to make it happen in a pleasant way. I did not know how to talk about it. Many things related to intimacy seemed stupid and funny to me if I had to perform it. It was difficult for me to even tell a girl that I liked her. I got all my knowledge about it from books, movies, not just pornography. My parents did not talk to me about it, there were no casual conversations about sex. It took a lot of time and a lot of intercourse for it to be comfortable and real and the way I wanted it to be. There is the first time, and then there are a dozen or so times, which are really just a path to good sex.

"A lot of stress, a few seconds and it's all over"

Maciek, 25

he made his sexual debut at the age of 15

Pornography was a very negative experience for me and I am still learning to demystify this image of sex. I started masturbating when I was 11 or 12, so I had about 3 years to soak it in. When it came down to it, I thought I knew everything, but in reality I knew nothing. I learned everything from scratch: how to give pleasure, how to communicate, how to set barriers... they never talked about that in porn. All the weird things that are natural, that never appear in movies - a strange smell, someone laughs, someone burps - and immediately the mood is spoiled because no one knows that this is normal and that we should feel comfortable with each other.

My girlfriend was very nervous before the first time – she wanted it, or at least let me know she wanted it, but when we tried to have sex, we couldn't because of nerves. We tried many times, for a few weeks it didn't work out and ended up with things other than penetration. I was at her house, I often went to her place, and she lived out of town, so every visit was an event. We just sat there, started kissing, and after a lot of foreplay we decided to try again, and it worked. It was upstairs in the house, and downstairs her grandparents were watching TV – I'll never forget that.

When the moment finally came, I was tired of trying and I felt such relief that I had finally succeeded and that now everything would be normal, that it lasted about 18 seconds. That's how I remember it mostly. A lot of stress, a dozen or so seconds and it was over. I wanted to please my partner, so after those dozen or so seconds, when everything was over, I felt so ashamed that I wasn't good enough or couldn't do it like in porn movies. Such shame mixed with pride, a funny feeling. And only then, I have the impression, did I start to derive some joy from it. I thought it would be romantic, and I imagined a moment of great ecstasy - Słowacki and Mickiewicz writing their best poems, Odysseus returning home after a long journey - and in practice... Because there was this stress and many other things, it was simply enjoyable, but no more than masturbation .

At my school, the principal didn't really focus on sex education, so I learned most of it from Google and from talking to a girl who also learned it from the internet. I didn't talk to my parents about it then either. I had a lot of misconceptions, like how to put on a condom. It's a miracle that it didn't backfire on me. It wasn't until years later that another partner pointed out that I was doing it wrong. A few years of sex with protection that wasn't put on correctly...

At the time, I thought I was ready. Looking back, not necessarily. I was with my first girlfriend and I loved her very much – or so I thought – and we just wanted to do it. I don't feel like I regret it in retrospect, but I realize I could have waited. The fact that we broke up a year later in a pretty brutal way meant that those memories weren't as nice as I would have liked. When that relationship ended, it was really hard for me and I couldn't get as close to another person because I felt like I was doing everything with her, it was wonderful with her and no one could ever get over that bar – but it turned out later that I was wrong.

I also had a homosexual episode, actually bisexual, and that was also a completely different experience. After two sexual partners, I got closer to a man and again it was like this, I thought I had some basics, but it turned out that I had to learn live once again.