Passive aggression – a sneaky weapon

It is more like driving pins than a powerful blow, although it is not really based on physicality. You can recognize it by words, gestures or posture. We are talking about passive aggression. What is it, how does it manifest itself and how can we recognize it in ourselves or the people around us?

What does passive-aggressive behavior look like?

Any form of violence is recognized by the fact that it hurts another person. Passive aggression is no different, but identifying such behaviors can be more difficult. Passive-aggressive behaviors are based on indirect expressions of negative feelings instead of open expression of dissatisfaction. Sometimes they take the form of jokes, other times they manifest themselves in silence, and in professional situations they look like absent-mindedness.

The discrepancy between the actual message and the subconscious one is sometimes invisible at first glance, which is why it is worth knowing the most characteristic forms of passive aggression.

1. Taking offense and “punishing with silence”

It can result from avoiding confrontation and facing one's own emotions in front of another person. It is also often a way of drawing attention to the fact that "something is wrong". In extreme cases, it takes the form of completely ignoring someone and refusing to respond to attempts at communication, for example after an argument. Such behavior is called silent treatment in English , the equivalent of which is known as "silent days".

Silence is an incredibly effective way to passively hurt and shame someone. Silence can be a form of “silent” abuse, especially when it occurs in a parent-child relationship. When a caregiver fails to respond to a child’s cries, desires to talk, or even apologies, that silence is the message “you’re not important to me” or “I don’t care.” Ignoring or forcing someone to pretend you don’t exist is a powerful form of punishment that can cause lasting harm.

Children, observing their parents' behavior, despite being aware that it is hurtful, repeat their parents' patterns. Taking offense and having quiet days are common problems in relationships after arguments and quarrels. If a person in a relationship does not react to the presence of their partner by remaining silent, they send an aggressive message: "I don't want to talk to you." Such an attitude often results from suppressing difficult emotions felt towards a loved one or from fear of showing one's sensitivity and hurt. It is easier to show one's dissatisfaction by not saying anything than to reveal oneself and say directly what made us angry, crossed our boundaries or what

2. Shaming and guilt-tripping

A person who uses passive aggression can be sneaky and make us feel inferior, guilty or humiliated in everyday conversation, even though the message was innocent or even joking. Guilt-making often takes the form of a sarcastic remark or a joke intended to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For example, a person is late for work, a teammate points it out, and the response is, “Unfortunately, I don’t have a car like yours.” The sarcastic comment is intended to embarrass the colleague and suggest that they don’t appreciate their privilege enough by showing off their car.

A common form of shaming in the family is comments about the amount of food eaten: "you like that cheesecake, don't you?", "maybe you should fill your plate with it", "you could use a separate fridge". Other examples of guilt-inducing include questions or suggestions in the "after-the-fact" style: "you should have told her...", "why didn't you do that...", "you could have reacted immediately...". Such advice, usually delivered in a specific tone, will not help with past events or turn back time. Instead, it will make the other person feel stupid and incompetent.

Also read our article on parenting and upbringing: "Don't cry like a girl!" About boys who can't be themselves .

3. Giving sarcastic compliments

Well-disguised passive aggression also takes the form of compliments. Often, they sound nice on the surface, but the tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language indicate an ironic connotation. Not far from embarrassing remarks are comments about appearance, such as: "you should dress like that more often, it makes you look thinner than usual." The subtext? You're fat, you should hide it.

You can read more about this topic in our article:Is body shaming violence? What is its impact on children? .

Ironic compliments can be easily found in everyday phrases, for example: "you dressed up like a rat for the opening of the canal". Such messages make the recipient the center of attention, feel as if they acted inadequately or badly. False compliments are intended to exaggerate shortcomings or question our choices. The recipient may respond to expressions of dissatisfaction or opposition by emphasizing humorous intentions, defending themselves with the famous "don't you know how to take a joke?"

4. Rebellion against authority

Passive aggression is also characterized by its inconspicuous form, manifested not only as words but also as actions. Some typical behaviors include avoiding responsibility for tasks, procrastinating on the implementation of assigned duties, concealing critical information, negligence and not applying oneself to work. This results in worse results than what the person is actually capable of. This type of behavior can cause conflicts at home when the family or partner cannot rely on the passive-aggressive person.

Many problems also concern the work environment, where sabotaging group projects or shifting responsibility to other factors, such as a broken computer or a problem with the mail server, is characteristic. A passive-aggressive person may enter into conflicts with superiors and question their actions or decisions.

5. Deliberately postponing matters until later

What is directly related to the previous examples is putting off tasks and deliberately forgetting to do them. People who use passive aggression deliberately or subconsciously choose more important activities for themselves or delay handing in projects because they know it will cause dissatisfaction. This can be a form of sabotaging the work of the team or undermining the group goal. They explain it with "forgetfulness", unreasonable demands or excessive expectations.

6. Expressing requests indirectly

Returning to communication, in everyday language we can find examples of smuggled passive aggression through the misrepresentation of requests. Each of us has heard ironic sentences: "how much longer will I have to wait?" instead of "could you hurry up?", "you could trip over this mess" instead of "will you clean up here, please?". Frustration and anger that we convey create messages that also increase irritation in the recipient.

Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior

• Denying negative feelings – “I’m not mad”, “everything’s fine”, when facial expressions and tone of voice indicate anger, irritation or sadness.
• Underestimating the efforts of others.
• Frequent complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction.
• Excluding individuals – for example, by not inviting a specific person from a group to a meeting.
• Avoiding confrontation.
• Being overly stubborn and unwilling to compromise.

Where does passive aggression come from?

The behaviors I described above could be considered toxic, manipulative, or simply wrong. However, people who act aggressively are not always inherently bad, and often have experienced emotional abuse and violence in the past. Showing anger in a camouflaged form may be related to the intense suppression of anger in childhood or adolescence. For such people, early experiences include a sense of injustice and unfavorable fate, jealousy, an inability to establish satisfying social relationships, and loneliness.

A person with these behaviors may be experiencing passive-aggressive personality disorder, as described in the previous edition of the Diagnostic Criteria according to DSM-IV-TR . In the current diagnostic classifications (DSM-5 and ICD-10), it is classified as "other unspecified personality disorders." However, passive-aggressive personality disorder is still subject to research, thanks to which characteristic features of it are distinguished:

• difficulties in interpersonal relationships,
• feeling misunderstood and unappreciated,
• antagonism and passive resistance,
• conflict,
• failure to meet deadlines,
• tendency to protest and inhibit actions.

The source of the above-mentioned behaviors may be a permanent reluctance to meet the expectations of others, which goes far beyond simple anger caused by a specific life situation. However, the attitude towards people is paradoxical, as personality researcher Theodore Millon well notes - on the one hand, a passive-aggressive person wants someone to take care of them and bring happiness into their life, but on the other hand, they do not want to lose their autonomy or freedom, which is why they react with indignation to the instructions and control of authorities and people on whom they depend. Such a person suffers severely from constant dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction, stuck in a life impasse.

However, passive-aggressive behaviors do not always indicate a personality disorder. Each of us has moments when we take offense in certain situations, use ironic compliments, or make someone feel guilty. As people, we are not perfect, we have our own mechanisms for expressing dissatisfaction, which are often carbon copies of our parents' behavior. Many people only notice after some time that they are hurting others through a given behavior. What should we do if we want to change our behavior?

How to deal with passive aggression?

If you recognize the behaviors listed above, first try to recognize the emotions that accompany you when you use passive aggression. Anger, frustration, and irritation are most often behind violent behaviors – but you can learn to express them in a more constructive way. Emotions rise and fall like a wave. If you notice the moment when they intensify and recognize the emotion, you will be able to manage it, for example by delaying its release until a more convenient time, without leading to an outburst of anger. Safe forms of expressing aggression include:

• Assertive message, for example: "I get angry when... (someone's action, behavior)".
• Expressing a need and request, for example, "I need a moment to calm down", "please, let's talk about this later" instead of taking offense.
• Releasing anger in a safe way, for example: screaming into a pillow, hitting a soft object.
• Physical exercise helps regulate stress,

Learning healthy and adaptive ways of expressing anger is worth doing as part of psychotherapy. If the problem of passive aggression concerns a couple or parental relationship, systemic psychotherapy or couples therapy should also be considered.

You can read about psychotherapy in our article: First visit to a psychotherapist .

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person…

The most important thing to do when witnessing or being the victim of any form of aggression is to name what you are seeing or experiencing. Confronting the passive-aggressive person with your emotions can help you develop new, healthier mechanisms for communicating or expressing your dissatisfaction.

However, a passive-aggressive person is not always willing to change their behavior. In such cases, you should skillfully and consistently set boundaries. You already know what behaviors are violent – ​​so don’t be afraid to call them that. Assertive, express your opposition to the comments or behaviors of the person who is hurting you. Remember the rules: “I’m okay, you’re okay” and “violence breeds violence”. Don’t let yourself be provoked and proceed calmly.

If someone violates your boundaries to the point that it affects your overall well-being and functioning, seek support from a specialist. Naming what is happening in your relationship with the abusive person will help you relieve your guilt and build mental resilience. Don't be afraid to seek help!