Trick or Treat, or the Trap of Constantly Rewarding Children

Can you imagine a world without rewards? Without smiles, thanks for help, without a portion of ice cream at the end of a hard day? It would be hard. It's similar with children. They are very hungry for rewards - both tangible and verbal. Sometimes it's just a simple attention, focused only on the child for a moment. However, there are cases when the reward is so obvious that its absence causes disappointment and even a sense of failure. Can this be avoided?

Appetite grows with eating

Using rewards and praise is not a way to positively parent if you don't do it wisely. It only leads to a situation where the child starts demanding a reward for EVERYTHING they do for themselves or others. It's like getting paid for meeting the standards of some institution - in this case, the institution of the family. And the older the child, the less interested in the basic reward. It's a dead end in the housing estate of parenting.

What does the award change?

In this situation, it is a change from internal motivation to external motivation – from now on, a given behavior must “pay off” in order to be implemented. Example: a child spontaneously cleans up after playing, throwing blocks into a box. “Oh, you cleaned up so beautifully,” he hears and begins to wonder why the caregiver noticed it. Is this a great achievement? After all, mom and dad also clean up after themselves and do not applaud each other for doing so (by the way, imagine such a reality!). So if no one is watching, cleaning up after yourself or any other activity is “work for nothing”? Why should I do something for myself when I can wait for an observer and bask in the glory?

Rewarding is a reflex, a desire to reinforce behavior that a child spontaneously demonstrates. The idea of ​​receiving a reward probably hasn’t had time to germinate in the little mind yet, but parents effectively sow this cause-and-effect relationship and – if they allow it to take root – it will be hard to eradicate.

From innocent applause to real threats

Behaviors that should absolutely not be rewarded or punished in any way are physiological activities. We do not punish for peeing or pooping, nor do we reward it (which could lead to disruption of natural reflexes, tensions and many health problems in the future). Psst! You may also be interested in our text on passive aggression , in which we discuss other dangerous "educational methods".

The greatest plague, both in homes and institutions, are rewards and punishments related to food. A good/well-behaved child is one who eats everything, and ideally asks for more. Such a child "deserves" dessert. If we add applause or other rewards to this, the child eats to deserve it or to make the caregiver happy, and not to satisfy their own needs. This is particularly dangerous because it can contribute to the development of eating disorders.

How to praise wisely?

Evaluative words such as "smart"; "beautiful"; "perfect" cause children to withdraw from activities in the long term, for fear of losing the status they have been granted. This works on the principle of thinking: if everything is going great and I am perfect - there is no point in risking it .

If we want to encourage children to develop their good qualities, we should replace the aforementioned words-evaluations with descriptions of what we see. This will be more effective in building self-esteem and increasing faith in one's own abilities (you can read more about this in the article on attachment parenting ).

An example would be a situation where a child shows you a picture. If you say: "beautiful drawing", you will evaluate this work... and nothing more. And if you describe what you see, for example "I really like how you chose the colors", it will be more credible, it will strengthen the sense of self-worth ( yes, I am good at choosing colors! ) and encourage involvement in the activity ( I am really good at it, maybe I will draw something else? ).

By describing what we see, we confirm the sense of effort put into the task, which gives us motivation and courage to continue trying.

So how do you praise properly?

1. Summarize what you see:

"You collected all the blocks and you didn't have to be asked to do so. That's responsibility."

"You've colored this picture so thoroughly that there's not a blank space in it. That's what I call perseverance."

"You took the dog for a walk even though you felt like scratching him after coming home from kindergarten. That's real responsibility."

"You cleaned up after painting, not a single spot was left on the table. Now that's thoroughness!"

2. Talk about progress, don't focus on what you haven't accomplished.

Instead of admonishing your child in the morning for playing, even though they still haven't brushed their teeth after breakfast, tell them that they've already done a lot of things: got dressed, eaten, combed their hair. The only thing left to do is brush their teeth and then they can play/run to kindergarten.

Instead of complaining that your shoes are scattered around the hallway since this morning, say, "I'm glad you remembered to put your sweatshirt back on the hanger. If your shoes find their place, the whole space will be tidy."

Instead of pointing out that the treasures from the walk are scattered all over the room, say, "You managed to sort the markers and crayons, and the puzzle also found the right boxes. Wouldn't the chestnuts and pebbles also like to have their own place, for example in a box on the desk?"

Rewards and punishments vs consequences

When parents or caregivers try to move away from rewards and punishments, they try to replace them with something else, such as consequences. And these are very difficult to distinguish from punishments.

Agnieszka Stein in her book "Child Close Up" writes that "the only consequence that is not a punishment is a natural consequence, that is, one that results from the natural course of events". As an example, she gives a glass, in the case of which the natural consequence of dropping it on the floor is its breaking. Stein points out that "even natural consequences will not help a child change their behavior if they are not developmentally ready to learn something, and their experience does not result in training in coping with difficulties and understanding what happened in a given situation". This means that a child gives as much of themselves as they are able to give at a given moment in life. Sometimes this does not meet our expectations, but it is not about "straightening up" your child with rewards or punishments, but about being a signpost for them as they learn about life and social rules. Children learn the most through imitation - is blackmail really what we want to present from the whole range of possibilities?

It is worth adding at the end that in some situations it is absolutely necessary to act regardless of the child's dissatisfaction and open rebellion against the applied safety measures - when we take scissors from a child's hand, it is not punishment, but protection of the child's health. The same applies to refusing to buy, for example, a large amount of sweets. In this situation, "no" means concern and a desire to protect the health, and not taking away the child's pleasure as a punishment.