"I got a slap on the back more than once, but I still turned out fine." "Spanking at home was an everyday occurrence and thanks to that I lead a well-ordered life today." "My father didn't hold back, for which I am grateful, because I used to be stubborn, but now I have a strong character." Sentences like these allow us to learn something about the people who say them: apart from the fact that they have experienced violence, we know that they confuse cause and effect. If they turned out fine and lead well-ordered lives, it was possible despite the experience of beatings, and not because their parents used violence. Beatings and spankings are not a method of education and cannot accompany the upbringing of children.
Spanking a Child: Is Spanking Domestic Violence?
The definition of violence in the PWN online dictionary of the Polish language is: "advantage used to impose one's will on someone, to force something on someone." Spanking a child is an attempt to force some behavior desired by the parent, and is therefore violence - especially since spanking is, after all, corporal punishment used against children.
And using violence against children – as I have already written – is not an effective educational method. Spanking by parents works here and now. It brings about an immediate change in behavior – their children do what they are expected to do at the moment – but this change results from fear, not from understanding and motivation to change. It is associated with the same negative consequences as violence understood as beating or aggressive pulling. Children learn to hide their behavior at best, which is difficult to consider a good educational method. They continue to do what they need – but in secret. By using corporal punishment, we violate the child's trust and sense of security and teach them that we use parental authority to hurt them, not to care for them or support them.
You can read about another form of violence in our articleIs body shaming violence? What is its impact on children?
Is every slap a trauma?
Not every slap you give your child automatically causes trauma, that's a fact. But at the same time, smacking is unacceptable without exception. Because how do you set the boundary and who is to judge which slap won't cause trauma and which will? How do you check if this force of impact is still okay and this one isn't? Can a small child get a slap? And a big one? There's no way to judge this, which is why it's so important to talk about it in a clearly non-consensual way. Every slap is bad and leads nowhere. Physical punishment should not be used. Smacking has a negative effect. Physical punishment should not be used. Period.
What instead?
If you have ever spanked a child as a parent, don't nurse a sense of guilt or focus on the consequences. Feeling guilty won't necessarily change your approach to supporting your child's development. Learn from your own mistakes. Deal with your own emotions and ways of dealing with your child's undesirable behavior. Next time, you'll know in what situation and what gets you off balance. And that's a big part of success.
Such unwanted, bad behavior of a child will probably appear more often than not. And it will cause various unpleasant emotions. This applies primarily to small children, but not only. There is no single, proven educational method that will make children always behave in the way expected by the parent. What is more, there is no such necessity, because the child has the right - in selected areas - to decide for themselves. If they have to clean, they can choose when to do it. If they have to eat something, they can choose what of the proposed things they will eat and in what quantity. This means that the parent should develop the ability to agree on what is important and cannot be skipped at a given moment (for example, brushing teeth or taking medicine), and what can wait or can be done differently than the parent intended. Again - spanking as a punishment affects behavior here and now, but it has no power to reinforce desired behavior.
These emotions again!
It is worth remembering that a child's emotions can be a great torment for parents, as they are very expressive and impulsive at an early stage of life. A three-year-old will not say, "I'm angry," when angry, but will start kicking. A tired two-year-old will not fall asleep nicely in bed, but will cry loudly. These behaviors are difficult to accept, but they do not result from the child's bad will at the moment.
Punishing children with a slap for being naughty or disobedient is the complete opposite of parenting. Punishing with a slap for feeling emotions is absurd! A child does not need punishment in such moments, only help. They need to accept emotions, learn to recognize them, regulate them and understand them. All this does not happen overnight. It requires arduous, many years of work on the part of the parent and is part of the upbringing. A slap or punishment will not replace this work. They will not make such behaviors not occur again.
Spanking and sexual development
There is a theory repeated by some experts, and some parents believe similarly, that spanking affects the development of sexuality - in the sense that in this way preferences for BDSM type activities are developed, i.e. those involving bondage, discipline, domination and submission or related to sadism and masochism. That a spanking delivered with an open hand to the bottom - and uncovered at that - evokes sexual connotations.
I am against such a comparison of these two areas. Firstly, research ( De Neef, Coppens, Huys, Morrens 2019 ) shows that not every person practicing BDSM has experienced violence. Secondly, saying that spanking is something bad and has a harmful effect on development or is negatively related to mental health means that BDSM practices may be associated with something inappropriate. Because if physical punishment of a child harms the child, then BDSM is an example of this harm.
Well, that's not the case. There's nothing wrong with preferring this type of sexual (or non-sexual) activity. What's important in their context is the ability to safely engage in BDSM and to treat partners who enjoy this type of activity appropriately. I'll also point out that this is not a form of physical violence, as long as the activity is done consensually. Taking pleasure from spanking is a normative form of sexual activity.
So what is the impact of spanking on sexuality?
What is important in psychosexual development in the context of spanking or any other violence – both physical and psychological – is its impact on the type of relationships we engage in as adults. That is why the phrase “it’s just a spanking” is wrong.
A child learns in childhood what love and connection are, and what behaviors to expect from other people. An unsafe environment, one in which violence occurs, teaches that love and connection are about crossing boundaries. If a parent crosses a child's boundaries - in any way - they are modeling consent for such behaviors in the future.
An adult with such experience will have difficulty recognizing their own boundaries and needs and will enter into relationships—whether friendly or romantic—that are harmful to them. This also works the other way around and can give a harmful belief that they can then also exhibit such behaviors.
Read our article on how upbringing affects sexuality .
Repeating what happened in childhood
What's more, the lack of knowledge of unconditional love can cause a person in secure relationships to not feel good and not feel in love because these experiences will not be familiar to them. In relationships, we seek to repeat our own experiences.
Of course, this does not mean that it is always like this and that with such experience we will not build a safe relationship! Our brains are plastic and we are able to learn to establish good, safe bonds for us, although it often happens that after such a story from home we may need help with this - for example psychotherapy or other self-development. It is worth considering what could be a safe solution for us. If you want to know how to prepare to start psychotherapy, you can read the article: First visit to a psychotherapist .
Helplessness
The use of corporal punishment – or any punishment at all – physical violence is the result of the helplessness or powerlessness of the parent. Lack of knowledge, resources, ways to accompany the child in development can cause reaching for methods that are counter-effective.
Of course, parents can be blamed for this. But the truth is that we still do not systematically attach any importance to caring for the self-development of parents as safe caregivers or adults in general.
The only time parents gain access to this type of help is during childbirth classes. All other knowledge is available for a fee. Contrary to appearances, the Internet is not free either – no one pays us for the time we spend expanding our knowledge.
Of course, it is not about paying parents to read psychology textbooks, but about providing them with access to free, reliable knowledge in the form of child development courses. Only then would it be possible to talk about equalizing the chances of being safe and sufficient parents and creating space for children to be happy and safe. For now, there is no prospect for such systemic solutions, either now or in the future.
Secure attachment
It is true that we know that most people have a secure attachment style learned at home. This results in them being able to safely care for their children – if they have any.
However, crisis situations, such as the pandemic and school closures, cause negative changes. Then even those parents who cope well on a daily basis, because they have help from people outside the family, but also from institutions that support the upbringing process, may start to use some forms of violence because they need help to regulate their resources. A person from an innocent parent who uses support may change into someone without strength and resources and start to think that one slap does no harm.
We are herd animals. Taking care of a child on our own in the parent/parents + child/children model is not a natural state and does not support safe development – both of children and parents in their parenting skills.
What to do instead of spanking?
One would like to say that above all knowledge. And in the area of this knowledge – skills related to setting boundaries, anticipating, but also showing gratitude.
It's obvious that children behave unruly. A two-year-old running out into the street is not the devil incarnate or a freak of nature. He is a child and such behavior is perfectly normal. Of course, this does not mean that it should be allowed.
Knowing that this type of behavior is typical for this type of child can be used to prevent such situations.
Spanking, Mental Health, and Self-Care
According to statistics, 8 million Polish women and men experience difficulties diagnosed as mental disorders, most often in the form of depression and addictions, but not only. These difficulties do not come from nowhere.
This is why it is so important to take care of the safety of a child, not only physically, but also mentally, at the stage of their development. Taking care of this will enable healthy development, and in adulthood the ability to take care of oneself in a way that results in health and the ability to develop one's own potential. Beating destroys a child's psyche, and it is the child's psyche that supports the identity of an adult person.
Created at: 07/08/2022
Updated at: 16/08/2022
