More and more people are saying they don’t want comments about their appearance. We usually take that to mean, “don’t criticize me.” But what about compliments? Can they also be frowned upon?
Should you trust your first impression?
Every person is a cognitive miser to some extent. They have to be – otherwise they wouldn’t be able to function. Every day we are flooded with countless amounts of information and stimuli. We don’t have enough energy and time to verify them all. So we try to make our lives easier by using ready-made thinking templates.
Such behavior is as justified as it is dangerous. Potentially, every time we risk missing important details, making an untrue assessment of reality (or distorting it), or simply making a mistake.
Cognitive economy is our nature and it is not about getting rid of it completely (we wouldn't be able to anyway, we would only get frustrated), but rather about being aware of its shortcomings. None of us knows everything. None of us is 100 percent objective. If we have it somewhere in the back of our minds, there is a chance that in the right situation we will question our assessment in time.
When we place unthinking trust in our first impressions, and then feel a burning need to voice our opinions, we start to tread on very thin ice. And it’s not just about criticism.
I have noticed that while it is relatively easy for us to understand why our negative comments are not necessarily welcome, it is harder for us to understand that compliments are not always appropriate either. We focus primarily on our intentions ("I'm not saying anything bad", "I just wanted to express my admiration"), disregarding the other person's real (not our own) expectations, desires and desires.
You may also be interested in our other text: "Passive aggression – an insidious weapon"
Appropriate circumstances
Imagine a situation where someone says to you with obvious appreciation, “you’ve lost weight!” while you’ve been struggling with such a stressful situation for the past few weeks that you can hardly swallow anything. You tell yourself that they didn’t mean any harm, but you still feel bad that they brought it up in the first place, because you immediately start thinking that you would do a lot to get rid of your current problems in exchange for those few pounds you’ve lost. However, you don’t want to show off to this – after all – practically stranger, so you just smile weakly in response. “Why are you so vague? Don’t be offended, anger is bad for beauty!” – you hear immediately.
Personally, I follow the principle: "it's better to say less than too much." If I don't know something - for example, someone lost weight in a very short time for reasons unknown to me - maybe there is a reason for it. I don't know because I'm not close enough to that person. And since I'm not close enough, my opinion doesn't really matter and I can keep it to myself. On the other side lies the decision whether and what to share with me - and only then do I have the right to respond to it in some way.
I wondered in what circumstances the opinion of another person about my appearance should matter to me. For obvious reasons, my partner came to mind first, i.e. the person I want to be attractive to (also physically) and whose opinion really matters to me. When my boyfriend tells me I look sexy, I will perceive it completely differently than if I heard it from a complete stranger on the street, a colleague at work, or my friend's weird uncle. Before we comment loudly on someone's appearance, we should consider not only our intentions and the needs of the other person, but also the type of relationship we have.
We also recommend the text about catcalling to your attention!
I also thought about a specialist who, based on my appearance, assesses my health, skin condition, and physical fitness. Recently, as part of a dermatologist consultation, I sent a few close-up photos of my skin by email. I expected the recipient to recognize the problems based on them and choose the right care for me. I wouldn't want a random person to allow themselves to diagnose me and suggest a treatment, even if it "helped them." I understand good intentions, but for obvious reasons I prefer to take the advice of a professional.
This is connected to the third option I came up with: asking for help directly. Sometimes I have doubts when choosing an outfit. I send a selfie from the fitting room to my mom, boyfriend or a group of friends and ask directly: "does this dress look good on me?". I then hope to get their opinions in response (whether positive or negative), but above all I want honesty. Would I like to hear in a different situation that black is not my color or that I could use heels for a midi length because they would make my legs look slimmer? Not necessarily, even if someone was "just honest".
Now there's nothing to say?
I’m probably not the only one who feels that our social sensitivity has increased over the last few decades. We think before we say (or write) anything. We ask ourselves more often questions not only about the content of the message itself, but also about its form and purpose (why do I want to say this? Am I saying it for myself or for the other person? Do I take their feelings into account? Is it possible that they don’t need my opinion to be happy?). Of course, there will still be those among us who don’t like this change in the status quo. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard some version of the text: “in this day and age, there’s nothing you can say anymore!”
Well, you can. You just have to take responsibility for it. Maybe not everyone is fully aware of the powerful power of words and how much they can influence us. No matter how it sounds, they really do shape reality. I myself still remember a few comments about my appearance (and not only that), overheard in my teenage years, or even childhood (!), which became the basis for my complexes for the next x years. I am almost certain that you will also easily recall such "nice" comments.
Okay, let's put it into practice:
You meet up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. She looks really nice, you can tell she's taken the time to get ready. You want to say something about it because you think she'd enjoy it.
For some time now, I have been trying to focus more on the work someone put into achieving it than on the effect. So instead of the usual "you look great!", it might be better to say something like "you matched that sweater with the right lipstick color" or "your eyeliner looks great, can you teach me?". In this way, we are complimenting someone on their choices, skills, and efforts, something they can actually influence, not just their looks, which - let's be honest - is mostly a matter of chance.
If I have learned anything in these 30 years of life, it is that any extreme is dangerous. So it is not about not allowing yourself to compliment someone else's appearance for anything in the world. Of course, we can do that - if the circumstances are right. It is just about not contributing to the already huge cult of the body and consciously placing the accents differently. Since the words "you look nice" come to mind so easily, we are also able to learn others - ones that are truly supportive and motivating.
Created at: 15/08/2022
Updated at: 15/08/2022
