Body language. Physical closeness between father and child

The essence of nonverbal communication was described and emphasized by psychologist Albert Mehrabian. His research shows that it accounts for 55% of communication (through attitudes, feelings and emotions), while the sound of the voice is 38% and the content of the utterance – 7%. So touch, gestures and a range of nonverbal reactions are extremely important in building an emotional bond – with ourselves, with friends and our partners. But first we learn and experience physical contact in our own homes.

I hope most of you know what closeness with your parents is, including physical closeness – although I suspect it varies because we grow up in different homes and among people who speak different love languages. Some show their feelings primarily through words, others through touch, and still others through gifts.

Touch and physicality in general are the areas where the most changes occur over time in parent-child contact . Up to a certain age, kissing on the lips goodnight and sitting on a parent's lap is something natural and unrestrained. Eventually, however, something begins to change. This period - extremely interesting, intriguing, but often difficult - is of course maturation.

I'm too old to walk hand in hand with you…

I remember the day when, after many years of walking with my mother by the hand, I gently withdrew it when, during a walk, my mother moved her hand closer to mine. I wanted her to guess, to understand where my reaction came from, and at the same time not to perceive it as rejection. I was not capable of a verbal message then, I did not confess: "Mom, I feel too old to walk with you by the hand." Instead, everything was done with the help of delicate, yet suggestive gestures. On the next walk, my mother did not take my hand again - nothing had broken between us, something had simply changed.

…or big enough

It's interesting that when you reach another level of maturity, certain affectionate gestures can return with a completely different dimension. Today, I'm a 25-year-old woman and sometimes I like to hold my mother's hand, and being in her arms in front of my friends, I don't feel embarrassed - and that was the case when I was about 14. I think this change results from a more skillful reciprocation of feelings and an element of friendship that appears in these happier relationships between parents and adult children.

Establishing boundaries and new shared experiences

My mother helped me choose my first bra – not because my breasts had become much rounder, but because I had started to perceive them as an intimate part of my body. The intimate perception of my nakedness also coincided with the expectation that my mother would knock on the bathroom door or my room. The introduction of a bit of physical distance and understanding of new boundaries of privacy – this happened between us (apart from many tensions due to my teenage, rebellious pranks) when I was in my teens. At the same time, new common topics and female experiences began to bring us closer together.

When a daughter becomes a woman…

I could go on and on with these memories about my mother, but today, in terms of physical contact, I would like to devote the most space to the relationship between father and daughter. Firstly, I will be able to draw on my own experience here, and secondly, this relationship undergoes slightly different changes over the years – primarily because over time it becomes an encounter between a man and a young woman (of course, when the gender identity of both is consistent with the sex assigned to them at birth). When a teenager reaches puberty and her body begins to change, many fathers feel fear about their own reactions to their daughter's developing sexuality.

As a child, I loved it when my dad would tickle me. But I also remember that as I got older, I would casually say, "Nooo, Daddy, stop it already." It really took him a few times to realize that something had changed :)

…and when a son becomes a man

I think my father would have physically distanced himself much more quickly if he had a son. As psychologist Carl Pickhardt explains , “ Adolescent boys are particularly susceptible to withdrawing from their parents’ physical affection because this show of care seems not only childish but also unmanly .” Pickhardt means that the way young men interact with their parents is often dictated by socially established norms or stereotypes. In fact, sons may need their father’s embrace or emotional conversations just as much as daughters. Pickhardt adds that this common difference in emotional and physical closeness to daughters and sons means that young men have a much harder time coping with romantic breakups than young women, who seem to be more emotionally prepared to deal with loss—they tend to seek and find support. Men often experience such events alone.

Returning to stereotypes for a moment – ​​my dad, like many other fathers, left the subject of the first period entirely to his mother. And that was okay for me! Although I have heard of fathers who give their daughters a rose for “turning into a woman”. Or of those who throw a big party on this occasion, which usually only adds to the teenagers’ blushes of embarrassment. Fathers can, but do not have to, be good conversationalists on the subject of puberty. Those who do not feel up to giving fatherly advice in this area can bring themselves to another caring gesture – for example, giving their daughter the book Welcome to the Club :)

Physical closeness with the father and the daughter's physical "self"

The fact is that there is a connection between a father's attitude and the experience of one's own body in young women . Both emotional connection and physical contact with adolescent daughters are male acceptance of their soon-to-be adult selves. And although it is not a rule, appropriate physical contact with a father and a generally good relationship with him can help build healthy partnerships in the future .

And what scenarios of maintaining contact between a father and a maturing daughter do psychotherapist Joanna Chmarzyńska-Golińska hear most often in her office? "The first is that the father completely withdraws from contact with his daughter. The consequences of this may be her low self-esteem, problems with self-acceptance and a sense of guilt due to her developing femininity, which is associated with rejection. The second possible scenario is that the father relieves tension and confusion by joking about the changes in his daughter's body. Such a style also does not make it easier for the daughter to integrate her own female body image into her developing identity." There are of course many more scenarios, positive or negative. There are fathers who constantly criticize their daughters' appearance and hug them on special occasions. There are also those who show approval of their appearance, and try to adjust the amount and type of physical contact to the needs and boundaries of their maturing children.

Read our article on body shaming:Is body shaming violence? What is its impact on children?

Good physical contact, what does it mean?

Knowing our needs and boundaries, simply knowing each other, means we know how to act towards each other. Small children express their desires quite directly and instinctively, and it is only when they mature that they often hear: "I don't know how to reach you...". Fathers don't have to be masters of communication either, but it is the parent who should be vigilant and responsible first and foremost. And many fathers want to be. Many of them know that their adolescent daughters still want to be cuddled or petted. And if this becomes temporarily embarrassing for them or their daughters, it is worth looking for another type of contact. A walk together, a game of basketball, watching a movie, a conversation...

Good physical contact is one that is natural and comfortable for both parties. And home is a place where parents and their children constantly reach out to each other, a place where they adapt to changes in themselves and in other family members. Despite the differences between us – those who are connected by blood – we want the same thing: closeness, but also space.

J. Chmarzyńska-Golińska, Father and daughter – an analytical approach , http://joannachmarzynska.com/artykuly/8-artykuly/2-ojciec-i-corka-ujecie-analityczne?fbclid=IwAR3mTZTDLnxGl95U71aTWhxqp8Xq3gytv26U2cBgW_sVUFvS15qq3tsluvs [accessed 20/06/2021].
C. Fleck, Fathers, Touch Your Daughters! , https://mv-voice.com/blogs/p/2015/04/12/fathers-touch-your-adolescent-daughters [accessed on 20/06/2021].
D. Krok, K. Rychtarczyk, The influence of the relationship with the father on the perception of body image in women in late adolescence , [in:] Family in the current of contemporary changes , ed. D. Krok, P. Landwójtowicz, Opole 2010, pp. 231-253, https://dfoz.pl/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/wplyw-relacji-z-ojcem.pdf [accessed 20/06/2021].
C. E. Pickhardt, Adolescence and Physical Affection with Parents , rev. J. Schrader, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201211/adolescence-and-physical-affection-parents [accessed on 21/06/2021].