Not every woman wants to have a child

When the pandemic shook our reality, I sought support in the classics. I rummaged through my bookshelf and pulled out the most musty and mothball-smelling tome – Thomas Mann’s Buddenbrooks. I blew the dust off the ancient edition (1951!) and was happy as a child, because the bourgeois world of 19th-century Lübeck seemed to me to be an excellent refuge from the coronavirus and other madness of the era. Better even than Netflix and Cabernet Sauvignon. But don’t worry! I don’t intend to torture anyone with the fate of boring bourgeoisie. I will quote only one sentence from this classic, so characteristic of bourgeois customs:

“A man does not depend on himself,” said the wealthy Buddenbrook, breaking off an affair with a charming but poor as a church mouse flower girl. “From whom, exactly?” a single big-city woman would ask today.

This inter-epochal dispute lies at the heart of the misunderstandings about our understanding of childlessness.

Young burghers of the nineteenth century, such as the Buddenbrooks, married and became parents with the continuity and importance of the family in mind. A good affinity, a generous dowry, a healthy offspring – all these were assets in the game for the best possible social position; both of the family and of the individual. Willful plotting childlessness, behind the backs of the family and society, of course happened, but it was considered an incomprehensible extravagance. That was the case in the past, and today? Modern women do not bear children for the sake of a name or tradition. Motherhood does not pay off any family or community debts. Twentieth-century individualism freed us from such obligations, but the idea of ​​motherhood as a duty or sacrifice has not gone away. It always comes to life when we talk about childlessness by choice. Today, one can want children for oneself, not for others, but one still cannot want childlessness for oneself. It is always considered an excess and raises suspicions of selfishness. But the desire not to have a child can be as strong as the desire to have one! It is hard to argue with either. Listening to this inner voice is our duty – a duty to ourselves and to those for whom we are responsible.

So what does choosing childfree life mean to non-mothers? It is not simply giving up children, because this assumes indifference and lack of commitment, and yet we can fight like lionesses for a life without children. We get involved in it. Of course, it can be a twist of fate, but there are women who, in the name of wanting childlessness, go all out – they leave their husbands, break off engagements or check out of the family when it puts too much pressure on them to have an offspring. For many of us, not having children is the foundation of a successful life, it gives a sense of freedom and opens up completely different horizons than motherhood. It is a source of joy, satisfaction and self-confidence. In one of his books, Mariusz Szczygieł writes: “Emptiness also has its value, exactly the same as what could fill it.” Childlessness is similar – it also has its value, exactly the same as motherhood. Provided that it is wanted.

What if our inner voice is silent or speaks “with a certain shyness”? The modern world is full of noisy interruptions, jammers, dishonest prompters and deceptive echoes, so it is easy to mistake other people’s desires for our own, especially when they look good in photos online. You don’t need to convince anyone that motherhood is praised to the skies. You can see it with the naked eye. Just turn on the TV, check Facebook or Instagram, read one of the parenting blogs or listen to politicians. If we wanted to make sure that we were doing the right thing by getting pregnant, our loved ones and friends would give us thousands of arguments “for it”. No one will probably confirm our choice to be childless. We will be told that we are immature, selfish and short-sighted. We will be frightened by the Life Void and the Glass of Water – nightmares that supposedly haunt the childless en masse. In the end, we will learn that we are cowardly and weak. Someone in whom the desire for childlessness does not sound with the force of the Jericho trumpet can fall into a tormenting uncertainty. How to deal with it?

Knowledge helps us not to succumb to doubt – it is worth knowing how the messengers of social pressure work, what helpers they have and what traps they set for us. When a family asks during Sunday dinner “When will we have a baby?”, when breastfeeding models blink at us from the covers of luxury magazines, when familiar mothers unfold visions of maternal happiness before us, let us be distrustful! Let us look for faults in everything, because those who convince us to become mothers rarely have our best interests in mind. They are usually guided by their own views, which they consider the best and most appropriate, or they try to infect us with their fears. If someone tells me: “You will regret it” or “You will change your mind”, it may mean that they themselves are stuffed with doubts like a Christmas goose with porridge. I usually learn that “I will not fulfill myself as a woman” from gentlemen of Methuselah’s age, who know about women as much as they have read in the catechism. Instagram frosting smells of plastic and photoshop. And I am convinced of the joys of motherhood by the die-hard theorists who have not yet reached the chapter on “Applied Parenting”. In order to regain your inner voice, you have to ignore such voices!

Although more and more people in the world are giving up on having children, the 19th century stereotypes describing childlessness, and especially childlessness among women, are still going strong and can get under our skin. Childless women are considered lonely, self-centered careerists, devoted only to their cats and their ambitions, incapable of deeper feelings. However, something is changing. No one questions our right to childlessness any more, and not having children is no longer a reason to be ashamed. Quite the opposite! It is getting better and better press. If we were to attempt a contemporary portrait of a woman who is childless by choice, we would end up with a cross between a 19th century spinster and the invincible Wonder Woman. This is thanks to the childless women themselves, who have been going against the grain for years, breaking patterns, fighting for themselves, speaking out about their choice and not caring about the opinions of others. After all, it doesn't matter what the world thinks of us. The most important thing is that each of us - in our own eyes - is a Wonder Woman!

On our website, we have also touched upon other important topics that are related to the problems we want to draw attention to with the #27maja campaign . Paulina Pomaska, the author of our book and mother, Edyta Broda (author of the Bezdzietnik.pl blog) and Joanna Frejus (psychologist, author of the @omatkodepresja profile) wrote for us about why you shouldn't ask women if they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, about the fact that not every woman wants to have a child and about how to behave when someone in our environment loses a pregnancy .

“The question about pregnancy (or lack thereof) is complicated, because regardless of the reason and whether the person being asked wants to be honest with us, the situation becomes difficult, uncomfortable or at least tense.” - Paulina Pomaska, " Pregnancy - he who asks, errs "

“Giving space to experience emotions often means simply listening. Allowing the other person to speak. Allowing them to be silent. Just being there, being ready, being within reach, but not imposing.” - Joanna Frejus, " Just don't say: It's good that it's now "

" If Mother's or Father's Day is a day of reminder of your loss, come and give me a hug. And then I'll remind you that you're not alone. " - Paulina Pomaska, " Coping with the loss of a child - you're not alone "