There may be various reasons for excessive control. For example, a person with a narcissistic personality may want to dictate the terms because they feel they are the “top” and have a deficit of empathy and a need for constant attention. A person with borderline personality disorder may, on the other hand, try hard to keep their partner in their arms (literally and figuratively) because they have an extremely distorted self-image, and the main driving force behind this disorder is a panic fear of rejection.
Often, people who use excessive control are convinced that they do everything out of love and for the good of the other person. They build relationships whose primary goal is to save their partner. So they choose a person who is in a difficult situation (during a crisis in the relationship, after a divorce, in mourning, after losing a job, but also, for example, a person addicted to alcohol). They believe, convinced, that they are the only lifeline for their partner (not to say: the victim). Usually, for some time during the relationship, the pattern functions for mutual benefits. Unfortunately, excessive control is like a toxin seeping into the relationship…
Here you can read about another toxin, passive aggression.
In summary, the problem of overcontrol has a huge spectrum, but we will refer here to the general phenomenon without going into psychological details.
What is overcontrol?
Prof. Jerzy Mellibruda said in his lecture in 2002 : "Exercising mental control over someone is a situation in which feelings, thoughts and behaviours depend to a large extent on what the other person does or does not do, and the person subjected to mental control cannot change this system or has great difficulty in doing so."
Unfortunately, the fact is that the more pressure the controlling person exerts, the more the controlled person wants to break free from the relationship, but often stays in it out of fear of the consequences of leaving. Is that strange? No. Many people get stuck in this destructive dance, believing that it will be better this way (because the whole spiral of negative, toxic energy from the partner has reduced their self-esteem to zero, so the lack of faith in their own abilities is the glue that holds the entire relationship together).
The problem of an overly controlling person is mainly the harmful beliefs: "I know you better than you know yourself - I know better what you feel, what you think, what you need at the moment", "I love too much, I can't do otherwise".
And what is hidden beneath the need to control everything and everyone? Fear. Of being hurt, of loss, of emotional pain. The undercurrent is also low self-esteem and a lack of belief that someone might actually want to create a relationship with a given person. That is why the "controller_ka" reaches for tools that are meant to humiliate, weaken and psychologically break the other half, so that they do not think that they can cope on their own.
Often the problem goes much deeper, such as in the case of personality disorders (which is not to say that it cannot simply be a toxic element of someone's domineering nature). For this reason, therapy seems to be the only reasonable solution here.
Excessive control – what are its symptoms?
Significantly reduced or no privacy
It's not just checking your phone, computer, planner, or other personal items. It's also going through your pockets and generally not agreeing to spend time apart.
Harming (emotional, mental, physical)
It aims to weaken the partner and convince him/her that he/she is worthless and certainly can't cope on his/her own: "if you leave me, you'll never see the children again", "you'll leave and you'll be finished", "you'll do as I say or you'll regret it". Emotional blackmail also includes taking offence, not answering phone calls, quiet days. Or the other way around: slamming doors, taking out emotions on objects. This is violence "next to" or "between" household members, which often transfers to them over time.
Morbid jealousy
It results from a constant sense of threat and lack of self-confidence. For example, it is the insinuation of an affair or loss of interest in the relationship when the partner wants more space for herself; jealousy of everyone and everything that does not concern the current relationship (extended family, friends, acquaintances, professional duties, hobbies). If the partner disappears from sight, she is definitely up to something - hence the demand to explain herself / give an account of the time spent without the partner ("where / who were you with?", "what were you doing?", "why are you 10 minutes later than usual?"), as well as the demand for absolute loyalty ("we can't have any secrets from each other", "if you love someone, you want to tell them everything").
Making you feel guilty
This is the basis of manipulation. "Things are bad between us because you always have some problem", "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't flap your beak so much", "the kids are always crying because you don't know how to take care of them". This is supposed to weaken and reinforce the belief that your partner is worthless.
Isolation from friends and family
This is often the first step towards excessive control. Commenting on the frequency of contact with others, complaining about the partner's friends and belittling them, suggesting that the relationship cool down or limit social contacts, and finally turning the partner against the support group are typical tools of the controlling person. All this is done to make themselves the only source of support. And without allies, it is difficult to oppose.
Constant criticism
This also starts with small things. A comment here, a comment there, and the person at whom these "small things" are directed takes everything personally at the expense of their own self-esteem and, in addition, justifies the partner who is hurting them: "maybe they are right to some extent and you can always try harder." The manipulated person may even believe that all the comments are for their own good. But constant criticism eventually becomes unbearable. Under such fire, it is difficult to feel accepted and loved. Constant criticism also provokes situations in which the partner is proven that they are incapable of anything, that they cannot be relied on.
Conditioning of love
It is a continuation of the drama that many adults experienced in childhood. It builds the feeling that love has to be earned. "I want you even more when you watch your figure"; "if you read more, I wouldn't have to be ashamed of you in company." These are weak messages that make the other person think they are not good enough.
Clipping the wings
Well, that's a classic when it comes to controlling partners. Someone like that won't let the other person fly too high, they'll keep clipping their wings until they succeed (i.e. until they land by his/her side). This encirclement - the attitude of "you can't do without me", but also the suggestions that the partner's ideas and plans are stupid - results in a loss of self-confidence and giving up on dreams.
A favor for a favor
You might think it's romantic pursuits, but in the case of an overly controlling partner, expensive gifts, surprises, and trips are just another way of controlling. It's creating a debt of gratitude. Putting it on your partner makes it even harder to break free from a toxic relationship.
Disregard for opinions
Arguing about various topics and exchanging opinions while respecting each other's differences is perfectly fine. However, a controlling partner will not leave a door open for discussion and will make the other person feel smaller and stupider. If you don't think the same way, you think wrong.
Excessive standards
These are suggestions or direct messages that the other person does not live up to the ideals (if they even existed) or... ex-partners. That is why they agree to more and cross their own boundaries to make them happy and reach that ideal.
Crude jokes
There is nothing wrong with the dynamics of a relationship where people tease, snipe, and even cross boundaries, AS LONG AS EVERYONE HAS FUN WITH IT. However, if one party is having fun and then says, "Get the stick out of the f..., I'm just fooling around," and the other party comes out of the situation feeling burdened, then it's not okay ( read about catcalling here ). Excessive control also means telling people how they should feel.
Codependency
No, it is not reserved only for families of people struggling with alcohol problems. In the case of overly controlling partners, the principle is similar: every independent decision becomes a problem.
Codependency is a phenomenon in which one person (the codependent) feels excessively needed, while the other person exploits this need by becoming overly dependent on their partner. It should be distinguished from healthy codependency in a relationship, which is simply relying on one another (in a safe and appropriate way). Because a codependent relationship is based on mutually dysfunctional needs, such a relationship is often very durable.
Characteristics of codependency:
- A co-dependent person has a distorted view of what is and what is not within their actual control (they may feel that controlling their partner's addiction depends on their will and influence).
- The self-esteem of a codependent person is not stable because it depends on meeting the needs of the partner – codependent people are generally characterized by low self-esteem.
- It is difficult for a codependent person to identify their own desires and needs because they assume that the needs and desires of their partner are paramount.
- Fear in the life of a co-dependent person results primarily from the fear of losing oneself (by treating the partner as a priority), but also from the fear of loneliness and abandonment (which is why the relationship with the addicted person is maintained).
NO, control IS NOT:
- By force. A strong and decisive person does not control. Additionally, any aggressive behavior can be normalized, while it is an additional warning signal.
- Attention and care. Constant phone calls and messages aimed at locating your partner is not an expression of attention or care.
Often, the controlling person has fallen victim to such behavior in the past. It is worth considering your partner's past - there are often many clues and motives for his/her behavior hidden there. Remember that even if there are - justifying the controlling partner due to the turbulent past IS NOT the responsibility of the person who remains in this relationship and suffers. Excessive control is violence. If you feel that this problem may concern you, talk to your loved ones. Ask how they see it. First of all, start by talking to your partner. It's time to think about the future of your relationship. Look inside yourself and answer the question of whether your relationship is becoming toxic.
Therapy is a good solution
Not only the person being controlled can (and should) turn to a psychotherapist for help, but above all the person doing the controlling. The latter often gives up on therapy because they do not accept that the problem is in them. Sometimes they even realize the enormous amount of work that needs to be done on themselves, and this thought terrifies them, deters them from treatment.
For this reason, it is important for the victim of such a situation to gather all their strength to focus on their mental health and autonomy. The first step towards this may be to use the free psychological help of the Crisis Helpline at 116 123.
- N. Kocur, Codependency – what is it and how to treat it? , https://www.pokonajlek.pl/wspoluzaleznienie/ [accessed 09/11/2021].
- J. Mellibruda, lecture The essence of violence is control , https://psychologia.edu.pl/czytelnia/62-wiat-problemow/983-istota-przemocy-jest-sprawowanie-kontroli.html [accessed 09/11/2021].
- J. Orloff, Emotional Freedom , Random House Usa Inc., 2010.
Created at: 14/08/2022
Updated at: 14/08/2022
