"Don't cry like a girl!" About boys who can't be themselves

I am a mother. I meet other parents every day. I am glad that on playgrounds, in parks and other "pro-child" places you can increasingly meet not only mothers but also fathers who form or nurture a relationship with their own child. Some do it in an exemplary and natural way. In other cases, unfortunately, it is not always so rosy. A certain group of dads should actually be saving money for a good psychotherapist for their children.

Below I will describe three examples of behaviors/messages that I encounter most often (and that hurt just as much every time).

Example 1.

The nursery, the cloakroom, the beginning of the day, or the moment of dramatic separations. The boy, clinging to his father like a little monkey, bursts into tears until he can't breathe. The father tries to pull his son away and says: "Don't cry, come on. Such a big boy..." - and here, pointing at my daughter watching this scene, he adds: "Look how the girl is looking. AND EVEN SHE's not crying, are you?"

A minute of silence for this gentleman… and another minute for this young man's self-esteem.

Shaming your child is never a good idea. Shaming hurts, ruins relationships, lowers self-esteem, and destroys internal motivation. And shaming certainly doesn't teach anything. Add to that the reference to gender as a determinant of certain behaviors that are acceptable or unacceptable, and you have a ready-made recipe for an emotionally blocked, sad, lonely, and rejected child.

Uncertainty, fear of separation, sadness are too much for a small child. There is no supportive adult who will hug, comfort and say: "I am here, I understand how difficult this is. And I love you, even if you don't see me."

And no, empathy is not a sign of weakness. Expressing feelings is not just for girls and women. Telling your child you love them is not just a mother's job.

Example 2.

A clinic, a vaccination point. A father and son are waiting in line. The son says, "Dad, today I'll try not to cry. Maybe I'll get two stickers? [brave patient stickers, given to children after each visit - editor's note]." The father replies, "Well, well, if you don't cry, I'll be very proud of you!"

A minute of silence and for this gentleman. Oh, no. Why are you doing this, father as big as a statue? Do you want your son to be a statue too? Is the ability to suppress natural reflexes or emotions a measure of courage? Is this an ability to be proud of when you have a son? It is tempting to say: "And if you can't suppress your tears, what kind of father will you be?"

If your son gets into trouble, should he grit his teeth and deal with it without bothering you, or would you like to know about all crises and be the lifeline (the last or the first)?

Example 3.

Playground. A boy is racing with other children. Halfway to the swings, he falls and hurts his knee. Hurts, which means blood is pouring down to his socks, and the wound is large and dirty. The fall is noticed by the father, who sees his son's back. When he turns around (still without crying), the father notices the wound and grabs his head. Then you can see the terror on the boy's face, and when the man says the sacramental: "We're going home," the drama begins. Well, we can only guess - in addition to the pain in the knee, there is sadness over the interrupted play, resentment towards the father for deciding to go home, and perhaps resentment towards the boy himself for falling in the first place. In his spasms, the child reaches a point where he is unable to calm down on his own. He needs solace, a safe haven, and a way to name the emotions that are overwhelming him. Meanwhile, the father is becoming more and more irritated and embarrassed with each passing moment. He says: "Come on, man, don't cry like a woman. You're tough, it's just your knee. When it heals, you'll be playing with your friends again."

A moment of silence. I'm so sorry, little boy. I think your psyche will soon be in worse shape than your knee.

"Emotions are for women" - my father used to say

What is striking is the fact that the most hurtful messages are often thrown out automatically. The belief that "this is how my father raised me and somehow I turned out to be good people" takes its toll on every generation. It is no wonder that there are so many lost young people who have problems building relationships with others, who do not know how to communicate or express emotions.

Alexithymia is a type of emotional disorder that is characteristic mainly of men, in which, due to the lack of contact with one's own emotions, there are difficulties in recognizing and naming these emotions. And when we cannot describe what is happening to us, we cannot cope with a given emotion, and so we suffer and are unable to move on.

Boy or girl?

I can't count the number of times I was asked about the baby's gender when I was pregnant. That doesn't surprise me - gender is something that, at the stage of pregnancy, defines this new life in a way - as if giving a gender identity was giving any identity. Many people perceive and experience pregnancy differently from the moment they find out the baby's gender. You can already imagine what the baby will look like, choose a name. I don't see anything wrong with that.

The problem arises when someone expresses sympathy for a gender other than the socially desirable one. And that gender, in my opinion, is male. I heard many times: "It's a bit of a shame that it's not a son - an older brother, a guardian", when I informed them during my first pregnancy that we were expecting a girl. During my second pregnancy, when we were also expecting a girl, my father would take on board comments like: "So what, it didn't work out?", "You have to keep trying until you succeed. Because if you don't father a son, you know, it's a failure. You can't continue the family". Yes, boys are highly anticipated in our culture. And when they are born, they are wronged by the same culture and social expectations, because they are not allowed to be themselves.

Let's give the boys some space

Many people still have trouble accepting that gender does not determine the way of raising a child. Studies show that boys are more sensitive already at the embryonic stage. Meanwhile, in life, they are culturally expected to be more strong and courageous. When some parents “get” a sensitive, delicate, tearful example, disappointment sets in. We all, regardless of gender (and age!), have the right to emotions. We all deserve respect for our nature. The sensitivity of no gender should be discriminated against. Therefore, while paving the way for girls, let’s not forget to give space to boys too – so that they can be themselves and develop their own potential.

Also read our article on shame: What is shame and do we need it ?

What can we, as parents, do about this?

Society will always have its own ideas on how to raise your child. "You're such a mischievous boy," many a girl will hear. "Oh, a boy and such a whiner? Girls and little babies cry," many a boy will hear. But it's us, parents, who are there to react to such comments. To say directly that we don't want them. And you should talk to your child a lot and assure them of the freedom and safety they have under the wing of their parents. Let's teach them to recognize ALL emotions, be with them and deal with them until they regain a sense of security.

Another problem is the inequality in the perception of each gender. Because while a girl playing with cars or riding a skateboard is great, a boy playing with dolls or wearing pink is already "inappropriate" and treated as disturbed.

…but there are differences. Should we pretend they don’t?

At preschool age, children realize that there are real differences between the sexes. At this stage, the role of parents is to emphasize and arouse in the child the curiosity about other people and the world around them, instead of creating divisions by emphasizing the differences in the way some "our" and others "outsiders" perceive the world. So instead of saying, "Girls need help because they may not be able to cope on their own," let's explain that "if someone is coping worse, they should be supported." Let's teach the child to look at another person as simply a person - without assigning them characteristics based on their gender or appearance.

Even if your son is not a "big, brave boy", do not worry. He will also cope in life as a sensitive, empathetic, open to others and fulfilled man. It is not gender that determines his happy life and whether he will be a good partner or father. Most of these things depend on what your child is now soaked in.

The reality is what it is – not very rosy (especially in Poland). However, there is no reason why we should not question the rules that govern it, especially when it comes to children – the next generation.

Dear Father

Many people mockingly call children a guarantee of a glass of water in old age. The truth is that even if it is not your child who will take care of you in old age, it is probably the person you will want to see "in the final stretch". You will then recall his birth, the first "daddy", the first steps, the first independent descent down the slide. Maybe you will shed a tear. And would you really like to hear then: "Father, don't cry. What are you, a woman?"

H. Filipczuk, How to Love a Child Intelligently?, Warsaw 1986.
MC Reichert, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Relationships in Shaping Good People , Warsaw 2020.