How to raise children is an individual matter for parents. However, it would be good if parents sometimes took a closer look at the range of stereotypes, such as those concerning gender, which are passed down from generation to generation like genes, and asked themselves: "Do we allow children to be children? Children who will grow up to be healthy, self-accepting adults? Do we allow them to simply be themselves?"
Allowing children to be themselves, or rather to freely discover who they are, strengthens their attitudes in line with their personality, not gender stereotypes . This means that little Krzysio can wear pink shorts and that his parents do not react to his tears with: "don't whine, boys don't cry". Or that little Kasia does not hear: "anger harms beauty" when she gets angry, or: "it's a boy's toy" when she asks for a plastic tank instead of a doll for her birthday. These are such vivid, real-life examples, but to be sure, let's try to explain it to ourselves in terms of definitions...
…what is this gender thing?
"For some time now, you've all been hearing about gender: gender here, gender there, gender on TV, gender in the newspapers. Some people are scared of it, others are afraid of it, although they don't really know why" - this is a fragment of the description of the children's book On Gender and Other Monsters by Magdalena Środa, which in an extremely ingenious way overturns gender stereotypes and explains the differences between nature and tradition, between "biological" gender and socio-cultural gender. The former refers to anatomical and hormonal differences, the latter is a set of behaviors, norms, values assigned by a given culture to each gender. Socio-cultural gender is precisely gender, which treats what is understood as "male" or "female" as a construct of upbringing and socialization. Gender does not negate the importance of "biological" gender, nor does it want to eliminate gender, which many people are absurdly afraid of. Gender refers to gender equality . He's probably not the kind of monster you're afraid of, is he?
The world of labels
Gender is not a monster and not a product of modern fashion – this word was already used in the 1950s. As Dr. Katarzyna Serafińska from the Institute of Psychology at the University of Wrocław admits, the analogy of gender to fashion seems quite apt, but it is not a contemporary trend, but a set of trends that have changed dynamically in the cultural dimension and over the centuries and are still changing. "We are constantly taking part, whether we want it or not, in redefining the content of what is feminine and masculine," explains Dr. Serafińska, adding something that is not so obvious to everyone: " The differences between women and men are actually insignificant and only reveal themselves in specific situational contexts."
Despite the longevity of the term "gender" and the Enlightenment thought that comes with it, we learn about its existence quite late. Some of us in middle school, others only when choosing a course called gender studies (which appeared in Poland in 1996). And despite these slight differences between the sexes, from an early age, in parallel to learning to distinguish good from evil, we learn to distinguish what is male from what is female. We learn to play roles and act in accordance with the gender labels assigned to us. And we have plenty of role models to follow - fairy tale characters, ladies and gentlemen from TV commercials and, of course, parents, our first, closest role models.
Neat girls and boys who can defend themselves
"Sugar, sweets and other beauties. These are the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls" - we hear in a certain cartoon opening and we would like to say: "Oh, these stereotypes again"... But wait, that's not the end of the introduction! Here's the continuation: "Professor Atomus accidentally added another ingredient to the mix: compound X!" The creators of the cartoon The Powerpuff Girls are geniuses and no one will convince me otherwise :) Of course, like every fairy tale, it has its shortcomings, but it certainly copes quite well with gender stereotypes. What are the perfect little girls like in this fictional world? Well, very different: thoughtful and guided by logic like Bójka, dreamy and sensitive like Bajka, and belligerent and a bit angry like Brawurka. I will add that maybe this compound X is a kind of preparation for eliminating harmful stereotypes :)
Do parents in the real world have such a compound X on their shelves? After all, many of them expect their daughters to be neat and composed at all times. They accustom them to compliments on their appearance and do not expect them to control their crying as much as they do from their sons.
Exactly, and what do parents expect from boys? That they can sometimes be too noisy, competitive, and resistant to punishment. That they will not be easily frightened or brought to tears. It has always seemed to me that it is primarily fathers who want their sons to be tough, not soft, and that they are generally more concerned about gender than women. My suspicions were confirmed by Dr. Serafińska: " Masculinity seems to be much more fragile than femininity, which is why fathers are more traditional in their upbringing, especially towards their own sons . Contemporary research on stereotypes shows, moreover, that today gender limits boys and men more than girls and women . Today we have a much wider range of sub-stereotypes of the stereotype of femininity than of masculinity. We can be a woman in many ways, while masculinity is still rigid, oppressive, and takes no prisoners."
Not just for girls who shine
I have the impression that this emphasis on gender role socialization has such a strong influence on upbringing (especially in Western culture) that most children are exemplary, problem-free participants in this process. This is of course because this black and white, or rather blue and pink, world seems natural to them – because after all, it is the only one they know.
Sometimes, however, something will shine before them so nicely and strongly that it will awaken an instinctive, primal desire. For example, it may happen like this: "Some time ago, a question was asked on a certain parenting forum whether it is possible to paint a boy's nails. The boy saw it at his mother's and he really wants it, but the mother is not convinced, because it is, after all, a woman's job. It does not matter that for a little girl these painted nails are just fun - the important thing is that the mother has nicely arranged in her head what is for girls and what is for boys, and she also puts her child in this scheme" - this is a fragment of a blog entry that I recently came across. I am glad that such topics are taken up and worked through by some parenting blogs and forums. However, on a daily basis, everything seems to be already established and set in concrete. Painting nails is not for a boy, end of story. Not even blue.
How to go beyond the pattern?
Breaking the genetic chain of stereotypes
Given the above findings, we probably cannot speak of a child's complete freedom of expression. The parents themselves probably know this. So why are they so afraid of creative parenting free from gender stereotypes? Dr Serafińska: " Parents themselves were the subjects of socialization, and therefore they implement specific categories . It is not easy to go beyond the pattern within which we ourselves were raised. It does not even have to be fear, certain things simply do not occur to us. If, let's say, in my home it was said that a boy must dress in a masculine manner, have short hair and play football (this hair is a longer story - hair length has been associated with masculinity in various ways over the centuries), then I will also pass this on to my child. This is an unconscious, intergenerational reproduction of gender stereotypes through language." With this remark, Dr Serafińska somewhat cooled my surprise at the ossified model of raising children. Well, yes, adults in their parental role are not blank slates – the spirit in which they were raised at home and at school influences how they raise their children.
Taking a closer look at yourself
Some people, however, reflect on their childhood and wonder how they could approach certain matters better than their ancestors – how they could make their home a place free from pressure, a place equal for everyone and full of mutual acceptance. “Let’s remember that children are great observers and they rather watch than listen. Therefore, apart from painting their nails, we also have ourselves as role models. If we are afraid of some gender-subversive treatments on our children, let’s simply focus on ourselves, on what kind of women and men we are, whether we do what we like, whether we spend our time the way we want, whether we perform the duties that we are good at, or whether we struggle with our own femininity or masculinity. If parents themselves are fairly settled in themselves, and not necessarily in their own gender, there is a chance that they will raise their children in a gender-flexible way, ” says Dr. Katarzyna Serafińska. The above words prove that working on being a parent is also working on being a partner, working on being yourself uninhibitedly. It is rediscovering how and who we feel and what language we use.
You can jump to the controversial topic of body shaminghere .
Using the language of love, not the language of division
"The less we describe gender in a social way, i.e. "they are like this and they are like that", "they are allowed and they are not allowed", "they can and they should not", "they like and they do not like", the closer we come to weakening gender stereotypes, and at the same time to ensuring that our child, regardless of gender, will have the chance to develop their predispositions, talents, interests, and strengths. Gender is not always a super-comfortable place, for both women and men. Let us not, as adults, try to forcefully hold our children within its narrow definitions, because we may lose sight of our child ."
You may also be interested in our article on the sexualization of girls .
So it all comes down to not telling children who they should be – not creating divisions between them, but teaching them to see people as more than just gender. Parents are supposed to be guides for their children, but they also need to know when to get out of their way. When they succeed, in many situations they will receive a great lesson from their children – an example of free, honest and carefree self-expression.
- KA Chick, RA Heilman-Houser, MW Hunter, The Impact of Child Care on Gender Role Development and Gender Stereotypes , "Early Childhood Education Journal" 2002, vol. 29, p. 149-154.
- C. Leaper, Parent's Socialization of Gender in Children , "Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development" 2014, https://www.child-encyclopedia.com/sites/default/files/textes-experts/en/2492/parents-socialization-of-gender-in-children.pdf [accessed on 30/06/2021].
- J. Podgórska-Rykała, Socialization and gender, or socio-cultural gender , https://epale.ec.europa.eu/pl/blog/socjalizacja-gender-czyli-plec-spoleczno-kulturowa [accessed 29/06/2021].
- S. Witt, Parental influence on children's socialization to gender roles , "Adolescence" 1997, vol. 32, i. 126, p. 253-259, [accessed on 30/06/2021].
Created at: 14/08/2022
Updated at: 14/08/2022
