Is Your Child Sexy: The Sexualization of Girls

Let's do a little experiment together. Please use the Google image search engine. First type in the phrase "student" and then - "student girl". Compare the images that appear under each of the entries. Do you see the basic difference?

As you've probably noticed, the first word is mostly filled with typical stock photos and illustrations of a boy at a school desk. Suggestions include: "talented student," "teacher," and "student duties." When you type in the second term, the search engine spits out photos of adult women in erotic outfits—short, plaid skirts and tight, white tops. Suggestions here include: "schoolgirl costume" and "disguise."

Weak, huh?

Oh, weak. Additionally, it's worth realizing that we, adults, will simply check it out, shake our heads in disgust, maybe send a screen to friends, and then go about our business.

A primary school girl who has to prepare a multimedia presentation for a computer science exam will type: “student” and will be left with an image of her buttocks peeking out from under her miniskirt. Many questions about the body, sexuality, and sex will certainly pop into her head. Who will she get the answers from? Her parents (and who taught them that)? Her older siblings? Her peers? A nonexistent sex education teacher? A catechist?

Where is the line between sexuality and sexualization?

When I was 3, I liked to say that when I grew up, I would marry my mother's partner. No one took it literally - such expressions of sympathy and attachment to another person are developmental norms and my mother was clearly aware of it. However, it is worth emphasizing that it was entirely my initiative - there were no stupid comments from adults that would make me think like that, no ambiguities, my parents did not even pursue the subject. As you can imagine, I have outgrown planning this marriage at the right time for me, and my relationship with my stepfather was (and is) never inappropriate at any stage of our relationship.

First of all, we must accept and acknowledge the fact that each of us is a sexual being from the moment of birth. So if parents observe an interest in the genitals in a small child (manifested, for example, by touching themselves, undressing dolls or running around naked), they have no reason to worry - all of this is naturally related to psychosexual development.

Sexuality is not something good or bad, it just is. Sexualization, on the other hand, is something completely different, which has a clearly negative meaning, and it is actually difficult to understand why these two concepts are so often confused.

The phenomenon of sexualization came to light in the 1990s (yes, only then!). The American Psychological Association stated that it occurs when:

• a person's value comes directly from their sexual attractiveness or behavior – other characteristics are not taken into account;
• a person is fitted into a certain pattern according to which physical attractiveness in the narrow sense means being sexy;
• a person becomes a sexual object and at the same time ceases to be capable of making independent decisions;
• sexuality is imposed on a person in an inappropriate way.

The sexualization of women today – women as sexual objects

We live in a patriarchy, so it’s not hard to guess that in contemporary culture, sexualization is much more common among women than men (although such cases do occur, of course). Female sexuality is constantly monitored and judged.

When it comes to children and young people, we are also dealing with perceiving them through the prism of norms assigned to the adult world, which in itself is incorrect and simply harmful to their development.

It is worth stopping here for a moment and noticing that these are norms that only include one cis hetero person (how else). I have never heard of any adult making a comment like: "a couple in love" or "when's the wedding?" to two female friends. Sex educator Małgosia Iwanek once wondered on her Instagram profile Kultura Seksualna whether the theory "female-male friendship does not exist" is not the result of such consistent insinuation to a toddler of the romantic nature of all their relationships with a child of the other sex. As if simply liking each other was never enough - a young person learns that they should always look for a second meaning. Well, unless we are talking about girl-girl or boy-boy interactions - then for some reason the matter is always clear.

Romantic love and sex are great (at the right age), of course, but they are just two pieces – two beautiful pieces – of the puzzle called life. And there are many more pieces. Why teach children that being a partner is the main and only role they will have in adulthood, when we know that is simply not true?

The Impact of Sexualization on Child Development

At the cognitive stage, children receive various stimuli in the form of images, texts, and behaviors. Of course, not all of them can be controlled, but one should be aware of the consequences they cause later in life. It is basically a fairly simple cause-and-effect chain, there is no greater philosophy here.

The interpersonal dimension is of great importance – the way parents think directly translates into what children think – about themselves and others. “If a child grows up in a family where their value system is reinforced, their physicality and sexuality are fully accepted, and the relationship is based on safety and trust, they will be more critical of the constantly changing trends. And more willing to have an honest conversation,” says Aleksandra Żyłkowska, a psychologist and sex educator. “No better way to build a healthy, close relationship has been invented so far.”

The environment – ​​extended family, friends of parents, media, peers, teachers – also shapes the image of the world. Thanks to it, children learn, first and foremost, the prevailing social and cultural norms… but not only that. They also learn what benefits they will gain in return for meeting the expectations of others and what possible negative consequences they can expect if they decide to or are unable to meet them.

Girls are encouraged from a young age to emphasize their gender, their sexuality, to be more "sexy". They are to do this in every possible way - with clothes and cosmetics, through appropriate behavior, choice of words, circle of interests... It is as if they were created for sex. As a result, femininity ceases to be something innate and natural for them, it becomes something undefined, for which they must constantly strive in accordance with information provided from the outside. The sexualization to which they are subjected makes them begin to perceive themselves and their bodies as sexual objects, and from such self-objectification there is a direct path to disintegration of consciousness.

Also read our article on body shaming:Is body shaming violence? What is its impact on children? .

In an experiment (Fredrickson, Roberts, Noll, Quinn, Twenge 1998), a group of female college students were asked to try on a swimsuit or a sweater and then look at themselves in the mirror. Finally, they were asked to complete a short math test. Yes, the women wearing sweaters performed significantly better than those wearing swimsuits… When the same situation was created with men, no such difference was recorded.

This is proof that the fact that modern media forces women and girls to constantly think about their appearance greatly limits their mental capabilities.

Think about what incredible resources remain untapped just because women as humans are reduced solely to the sexual sphere.

Sex education and the sexualization of children and youth

We live in a culture that normalizes many inappropriate behaviors toward children—behaviors that harm, hurt, and negatively impact us all. To change this, it seems logical to work at the grassroots level.

The word that immediately comes to mind here is "education."

It is education that will allow us to combat myths, to point out what is innate and neutral, and to point out what is acquired and harmful.

But isn't sex education a demonic tool of the corrupt West, which is supposed to encourage young children to masturbate , change their orientation and gender, doesn't it prematurely fuel their curiosity? Isn't sex education precisely sexualization?

Well… Knowing that sexualization is the ego-valuing of oneself and others based on sexual attractiveness, we can easily come to the conclusion that sex education – i.e. learning about one's own and other people's sexuality – has little in common with sexualization.

What is even more disturbing is that many people fail to even get to that point. Is this a consequence of misinformation or a simple lack of understanding that talking about something is not the same as doing it or encouraging it? It is hard to say.

I regret that I didn't have the opportunity to participate in such classes myself (my school organized family life education classes for a very short time, during which I only learned that you shouldn't talk about menstruation in front of boys - I still don't know why). I would have gained solid knowledge before, not after, starting sex. How cool is that ?

Today, young people in Poland would have the opportunity to realize that sexual needs are innate and natural – our body demands their fulfillment, just like food or sleep. They would learn to respect different people, their orientations and preferences. They would become familiar with many terms, such as the concept of a sexual object or sexualization. They would hear that no one has the right to touch them without their consent and willingness – and they themselves have no right to do the same to others. Research clearly shows that sexual education significantly reduces the risk of sexual abuse – no wonder, since children and young people have the chance to learn to recognize violence.

It is a myth that sex education arouses an “unhealthy” interest in sex in children. What does that even mean? We, adults, were not adults from birth either. We should remember that certain questions will simply naturally pop into our heads at a certain moment (yes, in this sweet, innocent girl too, not just in boys). It is up to us who – or what – will provide the answers.

"Maybe I'm Overly Sensitive" or How to React to the Phenomenon of Sexualization

Just as I believe that we have all heard an inappropriate statement with a sexual connotation addressed to us as children, I am equally certain that each of us has witnessed a child being sexualized at least once in our adult lives. You too. It is possible that you had difficulty deciding how you should behave at the time. Maybe you misheard? Maybe you misinterpreted? Maybe it is better not to make a fuss about it?

It is possible that in the end you did nothing.

No, I don't want to make you feel guilty. I understand that, heck, I've been in that situation myself more than once. I confronted it later and came to the conclusion that it's better to be considered overly sensitive than to accept behavior that should never have happened.

Well, what kind of behaviors are these? These are, for example, comments evaluating children's sexual characteristics ("show me how big your boobs have gotten"), and also comments that these children will not make when they grow up, in the context of their sexuality ("such a pretty girl will be able to change boyfriends like gloves"). Think about it yourself - the future sexual life of a child who has not even reached the age of 15 should not be a topic of conversation among random people. This is madness! Even if normalized.

When I educated myself on this topic, I learned that my goal should not be to change the adult's behavior, but to show my disagreement with it and, importantly – most importantly, to convey a clear message to the child: "I understand you and I am on your side."

I remembered that awful mix of feelings: shame , discomfort, regret, and disgust, but also a strange sense of satisfaction and specialness, combined with guilt. Disgust.

No adult has the right to provoke such a reaction in a child. The task of adults (because no, it is not only parents who are responsible for this) is to take care of children, and children are not to blame if some adults do not fulfill this task.

The reaction should be immediate, firm and unambiguous. This is not the time for jokes or subtle suggestions. Does this mean you have to be rude? No, expressing disagreement does not automatically mean being rude (although that is exactly what all girls are taught – submission).

If we suspect a crime has been committed, we report it to the police immediately. Here, our goal is simply to put an end to the inappropriate behavior as quickly as possible and ensure the safety of the child – this particular child and all others.