Coping with the Loss of a Child – You Are Not Alone

“A miscarriage” or “losing a child” is one of those statements that is followed by silence. It cannot be turned into a joke, because it is not one of life’s problems in the “we’ll laugh about this someday” style. However, before these words can be uttered, the person who has lost a child must face a series of questions. The machine gun spews out content without any reflection and filter: “so many years after the wedding, it’s probably high time for a child”, “oh, now it’s a career, scattering around the world, and no one is eager to start a family”, “a home without a child is not a home, what are you waiting for”.

You smile, maybe you nod for peace of mind, but inside you are convulsing. You wait for this festival of tactlessness to end, until you finally realize that there is no other way. "I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT"...

It only gets worse when someone tells you how to feel. They don't listen, they don't acknowledge what you're going through. They suggest to you that you must be feeling broken, that you're not coping well, that your world has fallen apart. Or maybe not at all? If you're one of those people who experienced the loss "coolly," went through medical procedures, and didn't even have to "pull yourself together," YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If you have experienced a loss but don't feel like talking about it, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people for whom the best support will be the mere presence of a loved one: someone with whom you can be silent, cry or... text while sitting next to each other. Clear yourself of difficult emotions in a way that suits you.

If you are struggling with depression after a loss, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We hope you are seeing a therapist and have support from people close to you. Remember that your partner has also experienced a loss – it is easier to face it together.

If you have lost a child and it has completely distanced you from your partner, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Everyone reacts to such difficult situations differently. It may happen that each or just one of you will need space to catch your breath again. Talking, doing things together, tenderness or sex - all of this will get back on track if each of you individually (and later together) digests what happened to you.

If you have experienced a loss but are allergic to any form of compassion, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But remember that compassion is an expression of empathy. So, express your needs, but don't push away those close to you who are trying to be there for you.

If this happened to you too, but instead of a loss you felt relief, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's a time and place for everything. This clearly wasn't your time.

If you have lost a child and are still unsure whether it is a good idea to try for another, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Take your time, listen to yourself. The right time for another child is when you feel that every previous chapter has been closed. Experience the grief at your own pace, do not try to patch up the wound in your heart with another pregnancy. Gather your strength, accumulate love, so that you can give it fully in a moment.

If you have lost a child and – even though a lot of time has passed – you feel pain during intercourse, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If your gynecologist has already given you the green light and from a medical point of view everything should be fine, maybe the problem is in your head and you are not ready for intimacy yet. Or maybe a subconscious fear of another loss is causing you permanent tension in your whole body? You should therefore consider psychotherapy or a visit to a urogynecological physiotherapist.

Support Action

If you are supporting someone after a loss, remember to be completely there for that person. Here are a few rules that will make contact easier:

1. Ask how they feel about the situation. Whatever you hear, accept it. Don't assume the other person's feelings - you can arouse unnecessary remorse.
2. React as needed – do not develop scenarios for every eventuality.
3. Remember that this is the experience of the person you are supporting, not your own. Give them space to feel and express their own emotions. Do not compare it to other difficult situations or similar stories you have heard about.
4. If the person you are supporting admits they are not feeling well, ask how you can help and what exactly they need.
5. If the person you are supporting is not feeling pain, do not express regret or question their feelings.
6. Don't give advice, don't comfort, be close and loving.

You are not alone!

Yes, loss is usually a difficult event. Whether you can't stop crying, or you said, "It happens" and left it behind, it will always be with you. But we are here - your support, holding your arm, being silent, wiping a tear from your cheek or turning up the volume if you just feel like dancing your emotions or screaming the lyrics of your favorite song. Your happy ending has not been crossed out. Fight for it, sister! Fight, brother! We keep our fingers crossed for what is in your heart ❤️

On our blog, we also touched on three other important topics, which are a reference to the problems we want to draw attention to with the #27maja campaign . The author of our book and mother Paulina Pomaska, Edyta Broda (author of the Bezdzietnik.pl blog) and Joanna Frejus (psychologist, author of the @omatkodepresja profile ) wrote for us about why you shouldn't ask women if they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, about the fact that not every woman wants to have a child and about how to behave when someone in our environment loses a pregnancy .

“The question about pregnancy (or lack thereof) is complicated, because regardless of the reason and whether the person being asked wants to be honest with us, the situation becomes difficult, uncomfortable or at least tense.” - Paulina Pomaska, " Pregnancy - he who asks, errs "

“For many of us, the lack of children is the foundation of a successful life, it gives a sense of freedom and opens up completely different horizons than motherhood. It is a source of joy, satisfaction and self-confidence.” - Edyta Broda, " Not every woman wants to have a child "

“Giving space to experience emotions often means simply listening. Allowing the other person to speak. Allowing them to be silent. Just being there, being ready, being within reach, but not imposing.” - Joanna Frejus, " Just don't say: It's good that it's now "