How do you know if consent to sex is conscious?

What is informed consent to sex?

I will start with a linguistic paradox. Sex consent in English means consent to sex. The word "conscious" is mute here, but obvious. In Polish, consent to sex is a bit too little, it does not reflect the essence of the problem. Because consent - to be valid - must be CONSCIENT. That is why in the public sphere there is discussion about conscious consent to sex - something absolutely necessary for everyone to be pleasant and comfortable.

Examples of informed consent: "yes, I want to make love to you", "I like that", "let's do it!", "I want more", "continue".

Informed consent means that none of the people involved in sexual activity must be under the influence of psychoactive substances or alcohol, must not be asleep, unconscious, or have any other obstacles (such as health) that would prevent them from making an informed decision that is fully in line with themselves. Your_Your_partner is unable to say “yes”? That means “NO”! Breaking this rule is rape.

Example: A couple agrees to have sex after a joint party (wedding or prom). The party is very boozy, one of the parties overdoes the alcohol. What about sex with a given person? In this situation, previous arrangements become outdated. A person under the influence is unable to consciously agree to certain activities, nor can they be alert to signals from the other party that something is wrong. It is therefore easy to abuse and cross boundaries.

Is lack of consent to sex sexual violence?

Any sexual activity without the consent of the other person is sexual violence or rape, which is a crime. Do you want sex? Give consent and ask the other person for it!

Importantly, consent to sex can only be expressed by authorized persons. Children are not authorized to express informed consent, they cannot make a decision to participate in sexual activity. NEVER. Sexual activity with a minor is a crime. This is regulated by the law of a given country. In Poland, the age of consent is 15. Only after meeting this condition can we analyze other conditions of consent.

To obtain or give consent, you can use verbal communication , i.e. simply say what is okay for you and what you absolutely do not agree to. You can also use body language , i.e. make it clear through facial expressions and gestures what your attitude to a given activity is.

Silence is not consent to sexual contact. The lack of reaction is not consent either. Mere flirting is not consent.

Unfortunately, relying only on body language can be misleading, as nonverbal communication can be difficult to read. If you have any doubts, ask. About everything and at any time: before and during sex. If you are not sure about explicit consent, and your partner is silent, stop and wait for a response. Remember that the lack of a firm refusal does not mean that the person agrees to sex.

Consent to sexual contact is a clear “YES” answer to the question: “do you want to have sex with me?”, “can I continue?”, “does what I’m doing suit you?”. It is reciprocating caresses and initiating them. It is making it clear that we like the activity.

We recommend the article " How to talk about sex with your partner? ".

Other criteria for informed consent

According to the Ombudsman's study, consent - apart from being conscious - must also be VOLUNTARY . It must result from the actual will of the person giving it. There is no coercion, manipulation, pressure, blackmail or dependency (teacher - student; employer - employee; therapist - patient).

Consent is not voluntary in the case of messages such as "if you want to keep this job, you have to sleep with me", "you promised that if we met, there would be sex", "if you don't want to have sex, I'll find a lover".

Consent must be ENTHUSIASTIC . It is not about wild frenzy, rapture, or euphoria. It is about engaging in sexual activity only with someone who is absolutely certain that they want it and communicates it clearly. The words "maybe" and "maybe" have nothing to do with enthusiastic consent. Likewise, silence or lack of reaction simply means "no." Remember: if you do not feel like having sexual contact, you can say no.

Another very important thing: we must take the answer we get seriously. "No" means "no" - and we must respect that. Only an enthusiastic "yes" means consent to sex.

Example: If the person you want to have sex with doesn't say a firm "no" but is tense or embarrassed, they don't express enthusiastic consent to sexual contact. Laughing away, turning away your head, moving your hands away - this is also a clear message that the other person doesn't want to have sex.

It is important to remember that ALL SEXUAL ACTIVITY REQUIRES NEW CONSENT . It does not matter whether this is your first time with a person or the next time you have sex in a long-term relationship or marriage. The length of the relationship or the degree of intimacy does not mean constant, unconditional and unlimited consent to sex. Treating sex as a marital obligation is a form of sexual domestic violence.

Example: If you are in a relationship and had sex on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, you cannot take it for granted that you will have sex on Thursday as well. Consent to sex must be obtained before each act of intercourse.

The rule also applies here: SPECIFIC CONSENT BEFORE SPECIFIC SEXUAL ACTIVITY . Consent to sex is consent to a specific type of activity. If you want to introduce something new, you have to consult again. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and comfortable for each party.

Example: Consent to vaginal sex does not mean consent to oral or anal sex. All the details should be agreed upon before the activity begins. Why? So that you don't surprise your partner with something he or she doesn't want to do at all.

Consent to sex INCLUDES AWARENESS OF RISK . There is no question of concealing any information, for example concerning health ( venereal diseases , HIV ) orcontraception used . This point also includes a prohibition of stealthing , i.e. removing the condom just before intercourse (without the knowledge of the partner). This is not only fraud, but also sexual violence and lack of concern for the other person.

Consent to sex CAN BE REVOKED AT ANY TIME . You can always say "stop", no matter how far things have gone. It doesn't matter if one of you is aroused and ready or just about to reach orgasm. If you don't feel comfortable, you feel pain or you feel like you're doing something you don't want to - stop the fun. You and your psyche are at stake.

What sexual activity requires consent?

For any! So the English sex consent turns into a conscious consent to any sexual activity. These include: kissing, necking (caressing the body excluding the genitals), petting (caressing including the genitals), oral sex, vaginal intercourse, anal sex, watching or taking erotic or pornographic photos/films together, sexting (including sending photos or films to each other), mutual masturbation , erotic massage. In a word: everything related to sex and aimed at arousal. Undertaking these actions without the consent of the other person is a form of sexual violence.

Is consenting to sex a courtesy?

No. It has nothing to do with good manners. It is the absolute basis of any sexual activity.

Libido killer?

According to many people, asking for consent is ridiculous and completely ruins the atmosphere, leaving no room for spontaneous, hot encounters. And yet there is nothing hotter than a responsible and caring partner who cares about a healthy sexual relationship based on trust, mutual interest and respect for the boundaries of each party. If someone respects you and does not want you to be hurt (mentally or physically), they ask for consent. End of story.

Nobody says that asking for consent has to be formal. You don't have to shine a light in each other's faces like during an interrogation or sign papers. Such a question can be whispered in your ear, for example. We must always take the answer seriously.

Is sex comfortable for you?

If not, it's worth rethinking the relationship you're in. Can you openly communicate your needs, and are boundaries always respected? These are the absolute foundations of a healthy relationship. Think about whether you can always stop sexual activity with your partner, and whether she can do the same without consequences. Think about whether your sex is always what you want, whether consent always precedes new activity, and whether it's not the result of manipulation or pressure. If you have no doubts about these and other issues raised in this article, you can sleep soundly.

“Yes to Love” Campaign – Questions and Answers , “Amnesty International”, https://amnesty.org.pl/kampania-tak-to-milosc-pytania-i-odpowiedzi/ [accessed 12/09/2021].
A. Synakiewicz, I want/I don't want. About consent to sex. Information brochure of the Ponton group , Warsaw 2019.
With the consent of , prepared by the Commissioner for Human Rights in cooperation with social organizations: Feminoteka Foundation and Women's Rights Center, https://bip.brpo.gov.pl/sites/default/files/za_zgoda_opracowanie_final.pdf [accessed 12/09/2021].