Just don't say: "Good thing it's now"

It's happening, for real. On Mother's Day, I'm writing a text about miscarriage. And it's hard for me to express how moved I am. As a psychologist, as a mother, as a woman who has experienced miscarriage herself. I appreciate so much that motherhood is finally starting to be treated more broadly, not just as a bundle of joy, smiles and photos of little feet, but that we're finally starting to notice other aspects of it, including those that we've turned our heads away from so far. Because by turning our heads away from topics like the inability to become a mother or the loss of a pregnancy or a child, we're actually turning our heads away from the people involved. We're leaving them and their lost partners to fend for themselves. And that simply shouldn't be the case.

What does a woman who has had a miscarriage feel? I don't know. I know what I felt, what my clients who told me their stories experienced. I don't know what you felt or what anyone else felt. It's a very individual experience. And the first thing that's worth doing when someone in our environment loses a pregnancy is to respect this individuality of experiencing it. Let's not force a woman and her loved ones into a mold called "after loss". Let's give them space to experience it in their own way, to fall apart, to cry and get lost, but also to get angry, to throw themselves into work. To silence. To not experience it for a while.

When dealing with someone in difficult emotions, we often feel the need to say something that we think will make them feel better. Meanwhile, “support” usually does not mean “talk” at all. I understand the desire to comfort, but before opening your mouth to say something, it is worth considering whether it will really be supportive. For some reason, instead of questions, we often use statements such as: “It's good that it's now, it would be harder later”, “It wasn't even a child yet”, “You have another one”, “You'll have another”, or commands: “Don't cry”, “Don't think about it”, “You should…”. We put ourselves in the position of a person who knows better, we give ourselves the right to judge, relegate the person who has just had a miscarriage to the role of someone who needs to be told how to feel. Let's not do that. How much more supportive could be: “What do you need now?”, “Do you want me to sit with you?”, “Would you like something warm to eat?”. In such simple messages all the tenderness of the world can be enclosed. And space.

Giving space to experience emotions often means simply listening. Allowing the other person to speak. Allowing silence. Simply being there, being ready, being within reach, but not imposing. Checking from time to time to see if anything is needed. From a psychological point of view, it is very important to make room to experience all the emotions that appear together with the experience of miscarriage. They are necessary, it is not worth covering them up and pretending that they are not there. It will not make them disappear anyway. It is important that this space can be filled over time, as much as possible. So that the person who has experienced this loss can create their own narrative, organize it in their own way in their head and in their body. Various rituals can help them with this.

Rituals are very important. When we lose an adult, we have a number of rituals at our disposal: of course there is a funeral, candles are lit, prayers are said, mementos are collected, and we can also count on contact and support from loved ones who know more or less how to behave, because culture and society clearly define this. When we lose a pregnancy or an unborn child, there are no such rules. We do not know how to behave. However, this does not mean that we cannot do anything. It is worth trying to find a way, our own symbolic ritual: give the child a name, collect mementos, light a candle, write a poem, a lullaby, organize a farewell. In this way, parents will have the opportunity to share their emotions, and loved ones will learn what they can do to accompany them, in accordance with their real needs.

There is one more thing that can connect the death of an adult with the loss of a pregnancy. It is mourning. We allow it, we even expect it, when an adult dies. At the same time, parents who have experienced a miscarriage are often denied the right to mourn. This diminishes their loss. Why? People who have experienced a miscarriage, just like people who lose someone close, need time to come to terms with the situation, to say goodbye to the vision of themselves as parents of that particular child. In the same way, they can experience all the emotions that are included in mourning: sadness, but also anger, disagreement, attempts to bargain with reality, and finally acceptance of what happened. Let's give them space to do so.

Finally, although this is a text about women and for women (since women are definitely more likely to give birth, although this may also apply to trans men who are trying to conceive), I also want to mention men, partners of women who experience miscarriage. We often forget that this is their experience too. We focus on the woman because her body becomes the site of this loss, but let's remember that often right next to her, in the shadow, stands a man who was supposed to become a father. Let's also shed some light on his emotions and needs. Let the tenderness of his partner help to soothe his loss as well.

On our website, we have also touched upon other important topics that are related to the problems we want to draw attention to with the #27maja campaign . Paulina Pomaska, the author of our book and mother, Edyta Broda (author of the Bezdzietnik.pl blog) and Joanna Frejus (psychologist, author of the @omatkodepresja profile) wrote for us about why you shouldn't ask women if they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, about the fact that not every woman wants to have a child and about how to behave when someone in our environment loses a pregnancy .

“The question about pregnancy (or lack thereof) is complicated, because regardless of the reason and whether the person being asked wants to be honest with us, the situation becomes difficult, uncomfortable or at least tense.” - Paulina Pomaska, " Pregnancy - he who asks, errs "

“For many of us, the lack of children is the foundation of a successful life, it gives a sense of freedom and opens up completely different horizons than motherhood. It is a source of joy, satisfaction and self-confidence.” - Edyta Broda, " Not every woman wants to have a child "

" If Mother's or Father's Day is a day of reminder of your loss, come and give me a hug. And then I'll remind you that you're not alone. " - Paulina Pomaska, " Coping with the loss of a child - you're not alone "