Asexuality – asexual people are among us!

As a good start, it’s worth clarifying that the term “asexuality” is more appropriate than “asexualism” (as is “homosexuality,” not “homosexuality”). We use both terms interchangeably, though, so that anyone (even those unfamiliar with the subject) can find our source when searching for either form.

What does “asexuality” mean?

Sources define asexuality as a permanent lack of sexual attraction to other people or any objects. Asexuality is an innate sexual orientation , independent of psychological or hormonal factors.

Sexual orientation cannot be chosen and – importantly – it is an inseparable part of a person. It does not affect the quality of life in any way, we are dealing here with a different set of needs and challenges than in the case of people of other orientations. It is not yet known what determines asexuality.

Can asexual people have satisfying relationships?

They can! If they want to.

Asexual people are divided into romantic people , who need to create a close romantic relationship with another person, and aromantic people , who do not feel such a need.

Asexuality may be combined with romantic attraction to people of the opposite sex, the same sex, or any sex.

Do asexual people only enter into relationships with other asexual people?

No. In practice, this would be difficult, as asexuals are estimated to make up about 1% of the population . When looking for a romantic relationship, they are in a difficult position, since most people are not asexual. So they enter into relationships with allosexuals (sexually attracted), which does not diminish the quality of the relationship at all.

Unfortunately, asexuality is often invisible and has a shorter history as an identity/community than other minority sexual orientations that have already created cultural spaces for connection. For this reason, many asexual people end up in mixed relationships with people of other orientations.

Regardless of orientation, relationships are a web of connections between people . Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement, and trust are what connect people the most.

Sexual attraction is not a necessary condition for creating a successful relationship.

Asexuality does not limit a person’s emotional needs. However, they are met in different ways, similar to other orientations. Some asexuals may desire romantic relationships, while others may not feel the need to be romantic at all. They may be most satisfied with close friendships or happier alone.

Asexuality and sex

The common belief is that asexuals do not have sex and have never had sexual intercourse. In reality, this is not the case.

Sex, even if it is not related to sexual attraction to another person, is usually a good and acceptable way to relax, reduce tension, or satisfy pleasure. The same is true with masturbation – it is a myth that asexuals do not engage in self-love.

Also check out our articles on masturbation: " female masturbation " and " is masturbation healthy? "

Some asexual people prefer to give up sex altogether, but others have no objection to intercourse at all and may even have a high libido.

Asexuality and sexual desire disorders

In 2015, a questionnaire was created to distinguish asexuals from allosexuals – you can read about it here . Thanks to this, it was possible to conduct a study comparing asexuals with people with HSDD , or low sexual drive disorder .

This study found significant differences between the two groups, ultimately refuting the hypothesis that asexuality could be considered a sexual disorder.

It is important to distinguish asexuality from sexual drive problems that result from physiology, trauma, or disease.

Asexuality is not a sudden loss of sexual needs. We are not talking about asexuality in the case of a person who previously felt sexual drive and showed interest in sex, but the situation has changed. You should look for the causes of a significantly reduced libido or a complete loss of sexual needs (i.e. disorders of drive and libido) and seek help from a specialist who will help restore the previous state.

Asexual people do not feel the need to be treated, because the lack of sexual attraction (not necessarily drive) is something natural in this case, not a disorder or pathological condition. Sexual orientation is not a source of suffering. There are situations when a partner or the environment exert pressure and as a result an asexual person may agree to the help of an expert (for example a sexologist), but this action is pointless.

We also encourage you to read the article about empathy: Empathy - a feeling, a personality trait or a skill ?

What is AVEN?

AVEN ( Asexual Visibility and Education Network ) is an association founded in 2001 by David Jay, whose aim is to increase the acceptance of asexuality in society, initiate public discussion about it, work for the development of the asexual community, and support people of this orientation and their families.

According to the website, the network currently has over 35,000 registered users and is the largest asexual community on the Internet , serving as a source of information and a meeting place for people who are asexual or wondering about their sexual orientation, their friends and family, scientists, and the press.

There are also 13 local communities around AVEN , including one in Poland. AVEN members are involved in television, press and radio, and participate in lectures, conferences and parades around the world.

Symbols of asexual people

The symbol of asexuals is an inverted triangle – the tip pointing down symbolizes a lack of sexual attraction. The flag, on the other hand, contains four horizontal stripes in different colors with different meanings:

• black – asexuality,
• gray – demisexuality (sexual orientation of people who can experience sexual attraction to another person only if they have previously established a strong emotional bond with that person) and gray ace , or the so-called gray asexuality (orientation between asexuality and sexuality, in which a person experiences sexual attraction only from time to time),
• white – allies,
• purple – asexual community (community).

Asexuality – not to be confused with:

• Sexual abstinence – that is, refraining from sexual activity for religious, social, philosophical, physiological, psychological or random reasons.
• Sexual aversion – or an aversion to sex.
• Antisexuality – that is, a hostile attitude towards sex – an asexual person, even if they completely refrain from having sex, may have a positive attitude towards other people having sex.
• Celibacy – which is an individual choice. Celibates can sometimes experience a very strong sexual drive, which can be sublimated, for example.
• Impotence – an asexual person can be completely sexually functional.

We recommend our other article on passive aggression to your attention .

Why is it worth talking about?

Asexuality is compared in scientific studies to homosexuality, which was recognized as an orientation when it was determined that it does not cause homosexuals any inconvenience or suffering, and therefore cannot be recognized as a disorder. And just as it was in the case of homosexuality, there are people who have the drive to "cure" asexuals: to change them so that they can be happier.

And the point is that asexual people would be happy if they didn't have to explain who they are – their orientation and needs – at every step.

Time to normalize asexuality!

Meanwhile, in the public sphere, the topic of asexuality is not even treated with neglect. It is omitted, pushed to the margins, as if it did not exist at all. Will you read about it in sex education textbooks? No.

So where are young people supposed to get knowledge from, and especially how are they supposed to know that they are okay?

There are no sources that say, "hey, it's okay if you feel like sex isn't your thing." The worst thing is that asexuals prefer to keep a low profile for fear of rejection. They prefer to remain invisible to avoid ridicule and humiliation.

Raising public awareness of this issue is so important because there is a large part of society that does not understand or believe in asexuality, which leads to discrimination and prejudice against asexual people.

Dr Elizabeth Abbott, author of A History of Celibacy , points out that in medieval Europe, asexuality – unlike homosexuality – was never illegal , which is why asexual people have remained invisible – until today, with the advent of social media and access to information that allows asexual people to speak up and find each other.

The asexual community is just beginning to form. The first associations, dating apps are being created, and events are being organized to raise awareness of asexuality. We can only hope that over time this community will become stronger and more courageous. And no one will feel lonely or isolated from society.

About Asexuality , "The Asexual Visibility and Education Network", https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html [accessed on October 8, 2021].
M. Beisert, Sexuality in the human life cycle , Warsaw 2006.
M. Laphimon, A Glossary of Term In Gender and Sexuality , [in:] Fundamentals of Sexology , ed. Z. Lew-Starowicz, V. Skrzypulec-Plinta, Warsaw 2010.
J. Lehmiller, Are You Asexual? Here's How Scientists Measure Asexuality , "Sex and Psychology", https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2017/6/26/are-you-asexual-heres-how-scientists-measure-asexuality/ [accessed on October 8, 2021].
MA Yule, LA Brotto, BB Gorzalka, Asexuality: an extreme variant of sexual desire disorder? , "The Journal of Sexual Medicine" 2015, vol. 12, i. 3, p. 646-660, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545124/ [accessed on October 8, 2021].
MA Yule, LA Brotto, BB Gorzalka, A validated measure of no sexual attraction: the Asexuality Identification Scale , "Psychological Assessment" 2015, vol. 27, i. 1, p. 148-160, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25383584/ [accessed on October 8, 2021].