A child is also a person. Close parenting

Imagine that you are starting a new job at a new company. You try very hard to implement the rules, but there are so many of them that it is really easy to get lost. But instead of support, all you hear is: "You are new, you don't understand anything"; "Don't interrupt when others are talking" or "You will get used to it someday, then we will take your opinion into account". What is more - sometimes your superiors argue over your head, often using incomprehensible words. All you hear is your name and raised voices, you see looks full of reproach, because once again you did something that was not expected. This is more or less how the world looks through the eyes of children whose parents do not know about the possibility of creating a close relationship with them.

What is attachment parenting?

Attachment parenting is an example of a different perspective on the parent-child relationship. We are all human, no one is higher or lower in the hierarchy. A parent, like a child, makes mistakes – it is important that they are able to admit to them and apologize. On the other hand, a child… is just a child. They experience emotions without being fully aware of them yet, without being able to name them. That is what a parent is for – an adult who experiences these emotions with them; ready to accept them and understanding that the child's behavior results from these emotions and is not “doing it out of spite” or “being rude.”

Option for Saints?

No. Contrary to appearances, attachment parenting is not ideal parenting, but sufficient. Mistakes are not forbidden, rather natural. The key is to work on yourself and remember a few important rules in communicating with your child (check out our other text on the benefits of good communication):

1. Be authentic_y – anger, sadness, uncertainty are part of everyone's life. There is no point in denying it. It is worth sharing experiences with your child, so that they can firstly see their parent as an ordinary person, and secondly – ​​what the process of dealing with their own emotions looks like. No, it is not about burdening the child with your own issues. Instead of going into details, it is enough to say: "I am sad because I did not achieve something that I wanted."
2. Notice your child – accept them with a whole range of emotions, often difficult ones. Show them that you want to be with them regardless of the circumstances. They are important and valuable, even if not everything went according to their or your plan. Just be.
3. Appreciate your child. Be there for them, notice their efforts, show joy in the moments spent together.
4. Let go of expectations. People learn different skills throughout their lives, don't count on your child to learn everything after one talk. Children try to adapt to our requirements, often acting against themselves. By not setting expectations, we will take the pressure off them.
5. Watch your words –don’t ridicule , don’t criticize, don’t compare. It hurts, ruins relationships, lowers self-esteem and destroys internal motivation. Apologize every time you overreach. Speak the way you would like to be spoken to.
6. Remember about body language – especially important things, try to speak “from a child’s level”, maintaining eye contact. Do not deny emotions – if you are sad or nervous, do not force a smile. This will not make the child feel more confident. On the contrary – they will be confused by the contradictory signals.

Why is it important?

Children are not naturally as polite, calm, and obedient as society expects them to be (although there are exceptions). Instead, they get angry, scared, feel insecure, and cry. Sometimes this is simply because they are overstimulated. Sometimes, they simply feel bad. And they definitely need attention. They don’t always want to do what they are asked to do. Children don’t behave like adults because they are still children. Even adults don’t behave perfectly, and they themselves expect the same from their own (and other people’s) children.

The truth is that every child has an innate need and readiness to bond. Love, care and sensitivity help children grow. If this is lacking and we leave them alone with all their emotional baggage, they may simply not be able to handle it. This, in turn, will affect their relationships with other people in the future.

Attachment parenting also means being aware of what children's behaviours are age-appropriate and what they serve the child for at a given stage of development.

Benefits of Attachment Parenting

• Secure attachment style, or the belief that the world is a good place to live and communication is an effective way to resolve conflicts;
• self-esteem;
• ability to self-regulate;
• growth mindset.

You can read about empathy and its benefits here .

Let them talk!

Every parent faces judgment, criticism, and pressure from loved ones and complete strangers who have no insight into the full picture of parenting. In this situation, it is easy to feel guilty that you are not taking care of your own child properly. Comments such as "you are letting your child walk all over you" or "you are treating him like an egg" can be heard both in the context of gender (because a boy has to be tough), as well as showing affection or support in difficult moments (because the child will be helpless in life).

Meanwhile, it is quite the opposite. Love, support and sensitivity help children become mature people, so they pay off more than forcing them into socially expected behaviors. This is the best argument for attachment parenting.

A. Faber, E. Mazlish, How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be , Poznań 2015.
A. Stein, The Child Close Up , Warsaw 2019.