Spanking during sex

Spanking – what is it and why can it be enjoyable?

The term "spanking" loosely translates from English to spanking. By spanking I mean spankings administered with the hand or with a specific accessory. In a sexual context, they are intended to provide psychological or physical pleasure to both the spanking and the spanked party; in this sense, they should be consensual.

Physical – because when you pat your butt, blood flows not only to the buttocks, but also to the genitals, thanks to which they are supplied with blood, similarly to the situation of sexual arousal.

Mental – because many people like to take on the role of dominant or submissive in bed (which in some cases is related to their experiences in everyday life – but not in all). This does not depend on gender, but simply on your own preferences. You and your partner can have a rigid division of roles, or you can freely exchange them. Spanking is one of the activities that allows you to fulfill these roles.

Does this mean there are no rules here?

On the contrary. The first one is: "Establish the rules."

Is it okay that I like spanking?

Some people who are close to feminist ideas have doubts whether deriving pleasure from BDSM practices is not in conflict with their values. What do you mean: I fight for equal treatment, but at the same time I allow myself to be dominated, or I dominate and it turns me on?

Feminism is about the right to choose, and the basis of BDSM is consensuality – each person involved decides who they want to submit to or dominate, and they do so with the consent of that chosen person (or people).

I once read about a theory that our kinks may be related to what triggers strong emotions in us, such as jealousy or rage – partly because it is controversial, taboo (and as we know, forbidden fruit tastes better), and partly because of simple curiosity – after all, we have the opportunity to feel this emotion in safe, “laboratory” conditions. After all, it happens that we like to experience certain feelings, including negative ones, as long as we are sure that we are in control of the situation and are not in any real danger. This would explain, for example, the popularity of horror movies or extremely dramatic love stories, but also the quite frequent rape fantasies.

Our sexual expression does not have to be politically correct. Here we can turn off self-censorship. This does not mean that we trivialize the experiences of victims of sexual violence. It is simply a way to relieve the tension that is building within us – a way that does not cause anyone real suffering. Instead of (nomen omen) beating ourselves up for it, it is better to treat it as a kind of self-care, and in other situations continue to fight the patriarchy persistently.

If you still have doubts, ask yourself two basic questions:

1. Is everything done with the consent of each party (is it consensual)?
2. Is there any harm coming to you or anyone else?

If you answered yes twice, all I can do is wish you good fun.

How to start?

The best way is to start with a conversation. A good old, honest conversation, during which each of you will find out what turns you on, what excites you. A pretext could be a scene in a movie you watched together or a conversation about friends... but you don't really need a pretext. The fact that you have something to say is enough.

Unfortunately, even in long-term relationships, it sometimes happens that we do not know the other person's preferences or hide our own for fear of being ridiculed.

So here it is (I'm sure you know this, but let it be heard): no one has the right to mock our sexual fantasies. It's simply immature and reflects only on the person making the joke (and their poor sense of humor). I truly believe that neither you nor your_partner_are such people.

At the same time, please remember that just as you have the right to talk about your desires, your partner has the right to refuse to fulfill them. Of course, the rule works both ways - it is very possible that your honesty will be an encouragement to confide in you, and then you will decide what you are signing up for, what you definitely are not, and what you might want to do someday.

Let’s assume that both of you are into spanking. Great! Now all we need to do is discuss the details.

Such a conversation (conversations?) is very important, not only because you have the opportunity to establish rules (the division of roles; where you want to start and where you set boundaries; safety words and gestures; possible gadgets) - it is also a moment when you get to know each other better, give each other trust and care. It is not only romantic, but also incredibly... hot. After all, the best sex is consensual sex - that is, with someone we want to have it with and who wants to have it with us.

Safety first

• Don't go to bed with someone who doesn't understand anatomy.

When it comes to spanking, the general rule is to avoid areas where the skin directly touches the bone (ribs, knees, ankles, etc.) and areas where important internal organs are located (kidneys, for example). The buttocks and thighs are the safest options.

• Establish safe words (a safe gesture may also be helpful).

In the case of BDSM, this is basically the basis, but in fact, such words will also be useful to you during regular sex. Usually, only the signal meaning "stop" is chosen, but more extensive communication is allowed by the so-called color system consisting of three words: "green" ("everything is wonderful, please don't stop"), "yellow" ("let's stop for a moment, something is wrong, let's talk it over"), "red" ("I don't like it, stop the fun").

• This is not the time to act out negative emotions.

If you take on a dominant role, be fully aware of the responsibility you bear. You can't be torn apart by negative emotions from the day, you can't take them out on someone else, and this is not the time to punish for past sins. If you feel like you don't have full control over yourself today - just stop.

• Take care of yourself after.

After the fun, you should take care of each other's mental and physical comfort (especially the submissive side) - especially if you feel like things got rough. You should check if everything is okay, cuddle, take a shower together, massage sore spots, feed, talk, watch a series together - let them know that the show is over and you're back to your daily routine.

Read our article about intimate hygiene after intercourse .

Summary

Perhaps for someone uninitiated, the topic of BDSM practices, including subtle (although) spanking, evokes only negative associations.

However, this only proves... uninitiation.

The basic principle here is, after all, establishing rules. This is a fully controlled, tamed danger. A played-out danger – and therefore not a real danger. It is not without reason that we use vocabulary from the world of theatre: “stage”, “role”, “game”.

Let's say "no", express enthusiastic consent, talk before, during and after sex . Let's set boundaries together and update these arrangements on an ongoing basis - because each of us has the right to change our minds and consider something hot that was not long ago, and vice versa.

And no one will get hurt.

On the contrary.