Who cares about your shame?

"Shameless", "you have no shame", "you should be ashamed!", "what an embarrassment", "total disgrace", "embarrassing". Slut shaming,body shaming , poverty shaming ...

We live in a culture dripping with shame. On the one hand, new technologies have allowed us to push the boundaries of privacy that seemed untouchable not long ago; on the other, they have become the perfect tool for shaming and ridiculing others.

As a result, we are ashamed of everything: what we can influence and what we cannot. We are ashamed of not being ashamed, and we are ashamed of being ashamed.

When I become aware of these types of social phenomena, I wonder who cares about their existence. Who profits the most from our shame?

We encourage you to read our article on passive aggression .

We are all born shameless_e

Imagine that someone says something unpleasant about you. In most situations, such a comment from a random person would probably not mean much to you. Just a bitter person with a sad life story. You should not worry about him, you can possibly sympathize. Sometimes, however, it hits a certain sensitive, once wounded part of your personality. This comment does not "create" your shame, but "triggers" it again, allows it to come to the surface.

The seed of this shame could have been sown in you by family, friends, teachers, politicians, clergy. In short: the entire culture in which you grew up.

Shame is not only about your behavior, but also about yourself. You are ashamed of who you are, ashamed of the difference between the image you have created and your true self. Surprisingly often, you are ashamed of being human. As Slavoj Žižek wrote, “I feel shame when I have to face the excesses of my body.” You are ashamed of your appearance, weight, age, and sexual experiences. You are ashamed when your nipples are visible, when your stomach rumbles, or when your armpits are unshaven.

The good news is that shame is not something innate, but something learned. And if you were able to learn to feel it, you are able to unlearn it.

Shame as a tool of control

Shame is a great tool for control. Anyone who wants to dominate others knows this.

How many times have you stopped doing something you wanted to do because you were told that “it’s not right” or, in general, “what will people say”? There is no logical argument behind these remarks – if there was one, it would have been used. Notice that those who reach for the shame argument usually simply can’t reach for anything else. It turns out that they don’t have to. The shame card is strong enough .

Shame makes you buy products you don't really need, avoid topics that concern us all, and waste time and energy on activities you don't have the strength or desire to do. Shame prevents you from asking questions (because you're afraid of how others will react to your ignorance) or trying new things. It's limiting and demotivating. It has an incredibly destructive impact, and is closely linked to addiction, depression, violence, persecution, suicide, and eating disorders. Carl Gustav Jung called it the "swamp of the soul," and June Tangney additionally considered it an exceptionally selfish emotion, because it's directed primarily at yourself, and not at the being you've hurt (if you've hurt anyone—shame also appears when you haven't objectively done anything wrong to anyone).

Both women and men experience shame. However, shame researcher Brené Brown points out a fundamental difference between the two. For women, shame forces them to strive for (unattainable) perfection, to combine roles that are impossible to reconcile. For men, shame is showing weakness. In both cases, shame acts as an epidemic that eats us from the inside.

Why are we ashamed?

Honestly? I've thought about this for a long time, read a lot of material, and I haven't found a single function of shame that couldn't be successfully performed by something else.

Some explain the need for shame as adaptability. But do we really want the main reason someone does or does not do something to be fear of social ridicule? Can't we be guided instead by empathy, sensitivity, attentiveness to others, understanding, compassion, and a sense of responsibility? What do we say to a child who is just learning the rules of coexistence with others? "We don't relieve ourselves in public because we care about the well-being of others and we don't want them to feel uncomfortable because of us" or "We don't relieve ourselves in public because it's disgusting and we should be ashamed of it, so we only do it in secret"? The first proposal clearly explains social norms, while the second is fundamentally harmful and imprints shame as a natural reaction to our physiology (it's no wonder that later on a certain percentage of society considers menstruation to be shameful).

Others connect shame with morality. They believe that shame is what stops us from doing bad things. In my opinion, one has little to do with the other. If we do something that is against our moral code, we will feel remorse, not shame.

And this feeling of guilt is something really important. In my opinion, guilt emphasizes bad behavior, but at the same time it does not automatically write us off as bad people. Rather, it motivates us to change our behavior and find a way to compensate for the harm done. Additionally, as you probably know, it is such an unpleasant experience that it usually very effectively discourages us from repeating past mistakes.

Don't you have the impression that guilt seems to be something more inside us, while shame is somehow... outside? That would even fit - it has to be outside so that others can see that we are ashamed. Guilt is for us, shame is for others, and when we don't show it, society has no evidence of its existence. If we don't feel it, we should be ashamed of at least that.

Another thing: guilt really does result from something objectively bad. It is not always something we can influence (sometimes we take the blame for the community we are a part of, for example for all of humanity as the main culprit of an ecological catastrophe), but we do not feel guilt if we have not done any real harm to anyone. Shame, on the other hand, can be completely groundless, I would even say illogical.

We can be ashamed of almost anything, even the most natural things, such as body hair or menstrual blood, if only there is someone who can instill this shame in us.

Exactly. And here, all in white, consciousness comes in. When we are aware of certain mechanisms, it is much harder to manipulate us. And yes, I know that getting rid of shame does not come immediately, even if we already know how destructive it is. It is a process – I am not saying that it is easy.

Monika Pryśko, author of the Tekstualna blog, once wrote: "Be afraid and act". I think that for the purposes of this text we can paraphrase her words: "Be ashamed and act". Question your own boundaries - to what extent are they yours and to what extent are they imposed from above? Act with the thought that the day will come when you will notice that you are already acting without shame - in accordance with your own conscience, but not in a constant sense of fear of the reaction of others. As sex educator Kasia Koczułap says, no one can shame you with something that you yourself are not ashamed of.

And one more thing: don't be someone you should be ashamed of.

B. Brown, Listening to shame , "TED: Ideas Worth Spreading", https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=pl#t-868359 [accessed 10/09/2021].
J. Tangney, What's the difference between guilt and shame? , "TED: Ideas Worth Spreading", https://www.ted.com/talks/june_tangney_what_s_the_difference_between_guilt_and_shame#t-101015 [accessed on 10/09/2021].
S. Žižek, Žižek: What does Einstein have to do with psychoanalysis? , "Krytyka Polityczna", https://krytykapolityczna.pl/nauka/zizek-co-ma-einstein-wspolnego-z-psychoanaliza/ [accessed 09/09/2021].