Let's get this over with!

So many people, so many flashpoints. Everyone gets hit for something. I asked my friends: what do you dislike about the holidays?

A., 28 years old: I am a mother. Last Christmas I had a newborn in my arms. I had to accept a whole bag of golden advice that I did not ask for. They commented on my breastfeeding on demand ("oh, now he has you at his beck and call"), made fun of for not giving me water ("dill tea won't hurt", but I know it can), and my attitude to at least eat well on that sad evening ended with rolling my eyes, sighs and finally a lecture about colic and selfish nutrition that will harm the child (it's all a bunch of nonsense!). As a result, I left "dinner" (or rather: execution at the table) exhausted, with my faith in my competence as a mother undermined. I was hungry and under great tension, which also passed on to the child. We had a terrible night. I don't know if I want to do this again this Christmas...

J., 31: My mother is always competing with her siblings. About what? About anything. As you can easily guess, my brothers and I have to look impeccable during the holidays. Shirt, shoes, watch on the outside, expensive perfume. I can see that it gives my mother joy and satisfaction, and I feel like vomiting at the thought of this nativity scene. In addition, these interrogations: how many square meters is my apartment, is it mine or rented; where do I work and how much do I earn, do I already have a girlfriend OR BOYFRIEND, and even whether I pay taxes in Warsaw.

K., 17: I have skin problems. It's been going on for two years now. I'm currently undergoing treatment in a solitary confinement facility and the problem is so serious that I don't feel good... about my face. I've limited my outings, I even see my friends only "in a safe space". Not only holidays, but all family gatherings end with me crying. People who see me a few times a year suddenly feel obliged to tell me how to live. "You had to put on too much make-up"; "Maybe you drink too much alcohol"; "Girl, you're young and you don't take care of yourself"; "You don't get pimples from masturbation?". Sometimes only my uncle is laughing, sometimes the whole room. Even when I have my comebacks prepared, I can't find my voice. And I have no one to stand up for me. It's a nightmare.

M., 25 years old: I have been struggling with insulin resistance for three years. Or rather: for three years I KNOW what I am struggling with. But basically, for as long as I can remember, I have been dealing with comments about my appearance, my weight. I usually laughed at them, not wanting to come across as a stiff with no sense of humor or distance to myself. But since I got the diagnosis, I think that most of my family are a bunch of assholes and "assholes", because other women are probably even more capable of "making things up" for me. The question is whether I need a bigger plate, judging the portions I serve myself, or the dishes I prepared myself (to be able to eat anything at all). If the venom oozing at the holiday table really killed, only the children would come out alive (and the younger ones, because the older ones are slowly taking over from their parents).

A., 29 years old: My partner and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. Only people who have been through it know what I am really talking about. We both feel it very deeply, but M. has a harder time with conversations and comments on the subject. And while one side of the family is understanding and supportive (even though they don't know the details), the other side crosses all boundaries, even though they know about the situation. Questions about the frequency of intercourse, advice like "put your feet up after everything", and even suggestions that if we were married, we would definitely have a child right away. Interestingly, my brother has organized his life differently. He is married and has three children. And what? When he didn't have children, he heard what I heard. Then they asked when the second one. Then - when the third one. Now they laugh at him for fawning over the 500+ program and that he must be a big fan of the ruling party. His wife also gets a kicking for sending each of her children to nursery after a year of maternity leave and for pursuing her passion and career (she has her own beauty salon). For all of us, the holidays are one big roast. Last year we didn't meet because of the pandemic and I won't deny that it was good and easy for us. This year we will also use the pandemic as an excuse.

M., 25 years old: Mental preparations for Christmas Eve start in November. My mood drops, my fears increase, and my anxiety and stress increase. December 24th is the only day of the year when we sit down at the table with our family – and I should probably see value in it, see it as a nice, meaningful tradition, but instead the thought of this dinner brings tears to my eyes because it pushes me out of my comfort zone. Dad pretends that he is not suddenly, magically, irritated by our crunching and smacking. My sister pretends that she does not hate me for not going to church since the summer of 2020. Mom pretends not to notice that I have not spoken to this sister in a year (we still live together) because she did not like the fact that I do not support the new abortion law. I pretend that I am not dying inside from nerves and confusion. Nomen omen, a nativity scene. I do not feel comfortable in it. Maybe in a few years I'll be brave and we'll do what my boyfriend suggests: a dinner together without crying, with a good movie and even a lumberjack sandwich from McDonald's, if we feel like it - without pomp, without solemnity, in an atmosphere of sincere love and understanding. But I'm not ready yet.

These are of course some examples, the most glaring and unpleasant ones. But the subject has not been exhausted. Things that should definitely not be commented on include the fact of drinking or not drinking alcohol (of course, except for the situation in which someone plans to drive back after drinking) or the desire/lack of desire to have a child (you can read about this in our other text ).

It's easy to get carried away in expressing your own opinion, in interfering in someone else's life. Commenting doesn't support you in the way a conversation or a simple pat on the shoulder would. Quite the opposite - comments are often assessments that put the recipient in an uncomfortable situation. Should I get up and leave? Or maybe endure it and swallow my saliva, just to get through the evening?

(Psst! Also check out our article on passive aggression! )

Remember, it's you, your choices, your life. If you decide to stay, quickly set boundaries. You don't have to answer the question about offspring at all, because it's very inappropriate. If you want, you can say:

• I don't plan to at the moment. I'll let you know when something changes in this topic, or when I want to talk about it.

For all other questions, one of the following answers may be useful:

• These are my decisions, please respect that.
• I don't want or have to explain myself.
• If at any point I have violated your privacy and/or provoked you into asking these inquisitive questions, then I apologize and I withdraw from this.
• I don't want to answer that question. I wanted to see you, not be interrogated/lectured.
• I wonder at what point you decided it was a good time to ask this question/give advice. Can I eat in peace?
• Oh. That's another personal question today. We have bingo, you won, you can let it go.
• I don't feel comfortable under the barrage of questions, to be honest I feel like leaving. If you don't feel like spending the evening in a normal atmosphere, we can meet another time.

They say you can't choose your family, and unfortunately it's true. Not everyone is lucky enough to be born and live surrounded by conscious, supportive, and caring people. If you're in this situation, we send you lots of warmth. Remember: do what's best for you . Don't risk your mental health and your self-esteem because that's what tradition dictates. Organize your dream holiday and experience it your way. And if you need anything, you know where to find us <3