Warning: the text contains descriptions of symptoms of sexual abuse and may arouse unpleasant feelings or thoughts.
Child sexual abuse
First of all, it is necessary to clarify what child sexual abuse or, more broadly, child sexual exploitation, sexual violence is. It is any sexual activity undertaken by an adult with a child, regardless of the circumstances. This means that the types of sexual violence are different and include, for example, making sexual proposals, spying on a child, forcing someone to watch masturbation, touching genitals, crossing the boundaries of a child's body for sexual purposes, forcing someone to touch their genitals, or finally forcing or attempting to force sexual intercourse (genital, anal, or oral).
Each of these activities is a criminal act and as such is punishable by imprisonment. It should be remembered that under Polish criminal law, a child is a person under the age of 15. In other words, a fourteen-year-old is not able to consent to sex. This means that even if you hear her say "yes" in response to a sexual proposal, you are not allowed to engage in any sexual activity, and doing so is still punishable by imprisonment. Adults are required to take responsibility for the child and not engage in any sexual activity with them, even if they encourage them to do so.
Everywhere is good, but at home…?
According to statistics, 80% of paedophilic acts are committed by people who know the child. These are most often fathers, uncles, grandfathers, neighbors, teachers, priests or family friends. Women can also be perpetrators of sexual violence. Polish estimates indicate that they constitute 1% of people committing this type of assault, but various reports from around the world indicate as much as 20%. More about women using sexual violence can be found later in the text. All this means that most violence is committed by family members or people in close contact with the family or child.
At the same time, it is important to realize that the safe development of a child requires a sense of security and bond. Each of us is created to attach to a caregiver. Regardless of the care our parents/guardians offer us, we are able to attach to them and want their care. This is why it is so difficult for a child to report any violence from people they live with or know, and they often commit to secrecy. And most sexual violence takes place within the four walls of family homes. We can say that such a child's attachment is a blessing, because it makes it easier for them to trust and follow their parents. At the same time, it can become a curse - precisely in homes where violence occurs.
Traces on the body and psychosomatics, or symptoms of molestation
Since a child is often unable to tell us about the assaults they have experienced, we should pay attention to certain symptoms that may indicate abuse. These include somatic symptoms such as lacerations, injuries, scars, genital pain, problems with urination and recurrent infections of the urinary tract, constipation or soiling with feces, enlargement of the vaginal opening or dilation of the anus, relaxation of the sphincter muscles. However, they are not always unambiguous. It may happen that their source lies in something unrelated to sex or sexuality. It is worth remembering that difficulties with urination or constipation may be standard in a two- or three-year-old child due to the weaning process. Therefore, they do not always have to indicate irregularities. Secondary bedwetting, which appears in a seven- or six-year-old, may also have other causes - from medical through somatic to psychological, but not resulting from abuse, but from other types of difficulties experienced by the child. For this reason, you should always be aware and alert to the different symptoms of your child, know the phases of his or her psychosexual development and at the same time remain as calm as possible without automatically imagining the worst.
Some symptoms will tell us 100% that a crime has been committed. These include the so-called specific symptoms and include: the presence of semen in the genitals, anus, oral cavity or anywhere on the child's body, sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy.
In most cases of abuse, there are no somatic symptoms, such as the presence of semen or changes in the genital area. This is most often due to the simple fact that the perpetrator is someone who knows the child and has regular contact with them. Before the abuse occurs, the so-called child grooming takes place, i.e. building a friendly, valuable, positive bond with the child. A child groomed in this way rarely suffers physical injuries, which would help to discover the violence the fastest.
However, in addition to marks on the body, an abused child experiences injuries or changes in the psyche. These are behavioral and psychological symptoms, such as: low mood, withdrawal, problems with learning, pain without somatic causes, aggressive behavior, self-destructive behavior, low self-esteem, experiencing fears, sleep disorders or problems at school. In addition, there are behaviors such as reenacting erotic behaviors in play with peers or toys, initiating such behaviors with other children or adults. There are also so-called provocative behaviors, i.e. behaviors inappropriate for age, for example a ten-year-old who wants to use expressive lipstick, wear short skirts or blouses that reveal cleavage or back. The aim of such activity is an attempt to relieve sexual violence. But of course, again, these are very delicate issues. The desire to express oneself through clothing can be an element of adolescence and not every expressive piece of clothing should be assessed as a result of abuse.
In addition, if we suspect sexual abuse in a child, we must take into account the entire spectrum of symptoms or behaviors. That is why it is so important that such an assessment can be carried out by a specialist team that actually has the competence to do so. Such a psychological examination of a child who has probably experienced sexual violence is a complicated process. Relying only on your own conviction can be misleading and lead to harmful accusations or expose the child to incomprehensible fear. On the other hand, of course, we should, as far as possible, not trivialize anything when some behavior of a child draws our attention.
Women as perpetrators of sexual abuse
Female perpetrators of sexual violence are a subject that is rarely discussed – on the one hand, because it is less common, on the other – because of the lack of reliable, large-scale studies or reports from work with such women. I think that we also tend to think to a large extent that “real” sexual violence occurs when it comes to rape, understood as penetration with a penis. Nothing could be further from the truth!Verbal abuse towards children or abuse related to touch can leave an equally large and negative impact on a developing person and cause damage in adulthood as well.
Nevertheless, we live in a world that strongly glorifies the mother figure. Some people still find it hard to imagine that someone who has given birth to a child could commit any crime against that child. This is a kind of magical thinking – and having a child does not make us, by definition, less susceptible to crossing the boundaries of another (little) person or performing an act that has nothing to do with their well-being.
Reasons for Abuse and Consequences of Harassment
Both women and men abuse mainly because they have experienced the trauma of sexual violence themselves. Such an experience does not cause every person to commit a crime, but it can contribute to it.
Various mental difficulties or disorders can also cause susceptibility to this type of aggression, although it should be clearly stated that no mental disorder or difficulty is by definition related to the possibility or necessity of committing a crime. Rather, additional factors, experiences of a given person must be added to this to activate the motivation for this type of violence. However, various types of brain damage, for example in the amygdala, can cause a tendency to violence and limited possibilities of controlling one's behavior.
You can read about another type of aggression in our article: Passive aggression – an insidious weapon .
The effects of sexual abuse can be varied. They can cause depression, suicide attempts, sexuality disorders , avoidance of physical intimacy, addictions, difficulties in building relationships, crossing the intimate boundaries of others or eating disorders. A lot depends on the type of abuse and who committed it, as well as the child's personality. There is no single type of effect or any predictable rule that a specific type of experience will occur.
The only thing that can be predicted is that some effect will occur. However, it is important to remember that it may be more or less severe. To give an example, a child with a single experience of sexual abuse by a stranger, who lives in a sufficiently good environment, surrounded by love, attention and support, will enter adulthood with minimal burden (or even none if properly cared for), in contrast to a child living in a generally violent environment and regularly experiencing abuse from a familiar person.
Let's not forget that an abusive environment is not only one that uses physical or psychological violence in the form of manipulation or blackmail. It is also an environment that constantly suppresses the feelings and emotions experienced by a child. You can read more about this in our articles: "Don't cry like a woman!" About boys who can't be themselves and A child is also a person. Close parenting .
Protective factors
What can be a protective factor in experiencing the consequences of any abuse is, above all, as I mentioned, the environment in which the child develops. An emotionally accessible, present environment, accompanying in experiencing difficulties, can mitigate the effects of violence.
A child with such an experience needs to name and accept what happened, with all the intensity of feelings and emotions that may appear. This naming and accepting can be difficult for a parent or caregiver, because it means dealing with pain, suffering, rage, a sense of injustice, despair. A good idea in such a situation is psychotherapeutic help.
It is not always possible to avoid sexual abuse. We live in a world where violence exists. However, trying to protect a child from sexual abuse is an absolutely necessary part of supporting a child's development.
One of the first important components of such an attempt is learning the appropriate language for naming body parts. Knowing the correct names for genitals has nothing to do with learning about sex or eroticism. It fulfills the function of fulfilling the child's cognitive needs and is adequate already at preschool age. During this period, the child learns about their body, and curiosity about the genitals is a natural and normal part of this process. There is a difference between the sentence "someone showed me their fire hose" and "someone showed me their penis" - and this difference shows how important the words we allow the child to learn are.
Another remedy is the availability of parents. This means not only playing together or eating meals together, but also being ready to answer the child's questions. It is important not to belittle the child's curiosity and not to dismiss individual topics with the words "you'll find out later". If a preschooler hears the word "sex" in preschool and comes to ask "what is it?", it is important for the parent to start a conversation - not to "sexually arouse" the child, but to take the child seriously, pay attention and put themselves in the role of a person who can be trusted and to whom you can come with any topic.
Parental availability is basically providing the child with their attention, involvement or presence. Of course, today, as a rule, parents work and the time spent with the child is shorter, but it is not about the need to be there all the time - but rather about the presence that gives the child attention and involvement.
An important aspect of trying to protect a child from abuse is the appropriate dosage of the possibility of making decisions about themselves. Every person wants to make decisions about themselves from an early age. And while there are areas where such decisions are not possible in the case of a small child (such as brushing teeth or taking medication), there are those that are the most appropriate field for attempting in this area. It is important for a child to have the space and opportunity to make decisions and oppose - for example, when choosing an outfit for kindergarten or refusing to eat a part of a meal - but also to withdraw their opinion - for example, during a meal, when the child first said that they would eat sausages, and after they were served, refused.
Of course, it's not about the parent getting up and getting ready to eat something else because the child has changed their mind. The parent or guardian also has the right to take care of their own boundaries. What matters is that the change of decision is accepted and that together they consider what to do about it (taking into account the parent's boundaries and needs).
School and state protection
Of course, the above methods of protecting a child will not work in a family that is dysfunctional due to abuse and does not guarantee the child's safety. A parent who uses sexual violence will not take care to provide the child with protection in this area. School and state care should therefore be an external factor protecting the child. In this case, such a remedial factor is reliable, wise and safe education about sexuality, and by "reliable" and "about sexuality" I mean not only classes about genitals or sexually transmitted infections. This type of teaching also educates in the field of knowledge about emotions, human needs in various areas of life, boundaries and possibilities of saying "no".
Let's not forget that a child who is abused in a family has less opportunity or ability to report that something is wrong at home. It is therefore important for teachers to remember, above all, to build a safe relationship with their charges based on trust. Children come to school not only for knowledge, but also to build bonds with safe, good adults who can provide protection and a counterbalance to a traumatic home.
There is no way to provide complete protection for a child. Accidents, bad luck, and bad circumstances are an inevitable part of life. However, it is worth knowing that a traumatic event itself does not have to ruin all future functioning. What destroys life after experiencing trauma is primarily the lack of appropriate care after the harmful event, and not necessarily the event itself. With sensitive and proper help and care, it is possible to survive it and then lead a healthy and safe life.
Created at: 07/08/2022
Updated at: 16/08/2022
