I don't like kissing. Is there something wrong with me?

Since I like scientific descriptions of the very simple, I will quote below an evolutionary description of kissing (from Guo, Ng, & Chan, 2004; Spaulding, 2016). Enjoy reading!

"From an evolutionary perspective, kissing is discussed as a mechanism used to increase arousal, especially during a sexual event in order to increase the likelihood of having intercourse ." Isn't that beautiful? I even felt sorry for myself for a moment that I so rarely kissed during sexual events. And then I thought that kissing was some kind of trick. A lure, a bait, with which we catch unsuspecting partners.

What do you mean you don't like kissing?

"Shallow" kisses are ok, I have no problem with them. However, for me, a deep kiss = sex. My world has to really spin to be absorbed (literally and figuratively!). But, honestly, I can't imagine "catching up" with my partner to exchange saliva in the course of everyday events (well, unfortunately, that's how I see it). A hug and a simple kiss give me much more than checking each other's oral cavity.

How about you, do you like kissing?

And when I read the next question in one of the groups: “Is there something wrong with me?”, I decided to ask it to myself… and everyone around me.

So I'll start from the end and quote a few statements:

A., 28 years old, in a relationship for 3 months

Kissing is cool! I like any kind of kiss, it's one of the ways to fuel the feeling. But I have days when I just don't feel like it. Then I tell my partner, he understands.

M., 25 years old, in a relationship for 3.5 years

Do I like kissing? It depends on what you mean by that. When it comes to gentle kisses, a touch of the forehead, cheek, lips or hand, it is pleasant for me and definitely satisfies the need for closeness and tenderness. I have learned that love does not have to mean "wet" kisses, full of passion and madness, which I have seen in TV series. They are there too, of course, but I personally reserve them for moments when excitement creeps into relationship situations, a really BIG excitement, when a person loses themselves. And because of my low libido, it does not happen often - fortunately, my partner feels the same way and we do not have a deficit in this area. For example, he likes to kiss my fingers, each one in turn, and I do not think that it is less intimate or in any way a worse expression of sympathy and intimacy than the contact of tongues. That's how I like it!

M., 26 years old, in a relationship for about a year

It depends on the type of kiss. For me, the intense ones are an automatic mood-booster and are closely linked to my desire for sex. My partner sometimes teases me in this way, giving me a kiss like that in the car, on the way to dinner at my parents'. I like it because then we give each other long looks and we both know how it will end. I generally divide kissing into the one that ends in bed and the one that is supposed to provide support, a sense of closeness and being loved. I think most couples operate on this principle.

A., 25 years old, in a relationship for 1.5 years

I don't know if I like kissing. I don't think so, but I've never admitted it. My girlfriend does and it would hurt her to hear it. But I like petting, massages, head scratching, some kind of tactile contact. I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, but kissing is a bit awkward for me. I don't know how to describe it better. It seems to me that it doesn't come naturally to me. Interestingly, I once heard that I'm a good kisser!

And so. Conclusions? I won't surprise you. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Which still doesn't mean that anything here is correct or incorrect.

While researching kissing, I came across an article that said that kissing originated from the practice of feeding “mouth to mouth.” Yes, yes. It’s the way our ancestors expanded their diet. Mother chews, mother spits. Nothing romantic, right? And yet. The act of passing food around later changed to touching lips as an expression of care and connection, and eventually became synonymous with love. Emer Maguire, the author of the above article, beautifully tied it together by saying that the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach .

According to evolutionary biologists, erotic kissing is a kind of relic gesture, passed down through cultures. Today, it is an acceptable practice in up to 90 percent of cultures. And if not kissing, then what? Rubbing noses, for example.

Okay, but do animals kiss too? Yes and no. Animals, even if they don't give each other affectionate kisses, have their own ways of nurturing relationships. Yes, dogs licking and sniffing each other or putting their trunks in each other's mouths (elephants, I mean elephants!) are nothing more than expressions of care.

Opposites attract

Researchers justify kissing as a way to find the perfect partner. Through intimacy, we are able to assess the scent of our partner, which is an indicator of our immune system, which involves genes known as the major histocompatibility complex (MHC ) . According to this theory, we are most attracted to a partner with a completely different set of MHC genes from our own, which in the case of having children would mean "equipping" them with a diverse immune system (meaning better coping with disease).

Kissing Studies

Rafael Wlodarski, a behavioral scientist who studies kissing, has shown that women pay more attention to their partner’s kissing skills, especially when it comes to potential romantic partners. Additionally, women believe that kissing is an important way of showing affection in long-term relationships.

According to the results of a study (Hughes, Harrison, Gallup, 2007) conducted at the University of Albany, most female college students would not have sex without kissing first (although they would have sex with someone who was not a good kisser), while male students declared they would be willing to have sex even without kissing first.

Is kissing healthy?

KISSING IS HEALTHY because it stimulates the production of the so-called happiness hormones (the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin), while reducing the production of the stress hormone, cortisol.

Interestingly, the combination of these three chemicals (serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin) causes the pleasure centres in our brain to be stimulated. As Emer Maguire, winner of the Northern Ireland section of the international science communication competition FameLab, explains, the dopamine released during a kiss can stimulate the same area of ​​the brain that is activated by heroin and cocaine. As a result, we experience feelings of euphoria and addictive behaviour. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’, promotes a sense of attachment. It is the same hormone that is released during childbirth and breastfeeding. Finally, the levels of serotonin present in the brain during kissing look very similar to someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder. This goes a long way to explaining why some kisses (especially the first one!) are unforgettable.

KISSING IS NOT HEALTHY because it involves the exchange of bacteria, both harmful and harmless (there are about 80 million of them).

Kissing and satisfaction

Other researchers in this area (Heiman et al., 2011; Spaulding, 2016) found that when participants reported more kissing by their partner, they rated their level of sexual satisfaction as high. Welsch et al. (2005) found that higher kissing frequency was associated with higher reported levels of relationship satisfaction.

We don't kiss anymore. Does this mean there's a crisis?

It depends. You can choose not to kiss, but compensate for this closeness through other forms of intimacy. If this is what is happening, then there is probably no reason to worry. However, it is important to talk to each other a lot and keep your finger on the pulse when it comes to your feelings or level of satisfaction (general and sexual).

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/338956128_A_kiss_is_not_just_a_kiss_kissing_frequency_sexual_quality_attachment_and_sexual_and_relationship_satisfaction [accessed 24/03/2022]
https://www.britishcouncil.org/voices-magazine/kiss-science-smooching [accessed 24/03/2022]
https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/science-of-kissing-why-a-kiss-is-not-just-a-kiss-1.3380704 [accessed 24/03/2022]
Hughes, S. M., Harrison, M. A., & Gallup, G. G. Jr, (2007). Sex differences in romantic kissing among college students: An evolutionary perspective. Evolutionary Psychology,5(3), 500.
Hughes, S. M., & Kruger, D. J. (2011). Sex differences in post-coital behaviors in long-and short-term mating: An evolutionary perspective. Journal of Sex Research,48(5), 496–505.
Kirshenbaum, S. (2011). The science of kissing: What our lips are telling us. New York: Grand Central Publishing.
Spaulding, K. N. (2016). What's in a kiss? The role of kissing in romantic relationships (doctoral dissertation). University at Albany, Albany, New York
Wlodarski, R., & Dunbar, R. I. (2013). Examining the possible functions of kissing in romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior,42(8), 1415–1423.