Sex and tears. Is everything ok?

Orgasm - book definition

When I look up the definition of orgasm, I come across this elaborate description (warning: hold on to your seats):

Orgasm (climax) is the moment of the strongest sexual arousal and an equally strong feeling of pleasure that accompanies it, and is most often the goal or the end of sexual intercourse, masturbation or another form of sexual behavior.

Not bad, huh? Let's move on:

The direct effect of orgasm is sexual satisfaction, manifested by body relaxation, the cessation of congestion in the genital organs, and a mental feeling of bliss and emotional fulfillment.

No. So how is your mental sense of bliss during the subsidence of genital congestion?

Okay, jokes and formalities aside.

Orgasm is, simply put, a cumulation of pleasure. A dance of emotions and hormones. So intense that it makes you want to cry. Read more about the female orgasm.

Makes you want to cry?

Some people react this way when too many emotions clash with the oxytocin released during sex. They cry trying to release it. It is a kind of cleansing, a relief.

Is crying during sex always good?

It is good as long as it is a safe release of emotions and happens sporadically, without permanently affecting mood. The problem begins when crying becomes a form of releasing tension and stress and when it occurs every time in an intimate situation. Emotions that should worry us include: sadness, regret, anger, guilt, shame, or general breakdown and low mood (experienced not only during sex, but also long after it). If crying is caused by pain, forcing yourself to have sex, fear, traumatic memories, discomfort or any pressure – treat it as a red alarm (or rather a big, red, very bright lamp!). Say stop to your partner and yourself. Speak out about your feelings and go to a sexologist as soon as possible . Your feelings may be symptoms of post-coital dysphoria (PCT). It is also worth considering the help of a therapist who can help you work through traumas or current conflicts.

What is postcoital dysphoria?

PCT is precisely the tendency to deep sadness, depression, anxiety, irritation, felt after sex. In the case of PCT, the feelings described are not related to the intercourse itself or the partner. The gender of the person affected by dysphoria is also irrelevant. The causes of PCT are not yet known, research only covers the scale of the problem. As reported by the International Journal of Sexual Health, less than 33% of women have experienced feelings of sadness, depression, irritation after sex at least once in their lives, while 10% of the respondents regularly face this problem.

In 2018, the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy published a study on postcoital dysphoria in men. In an online survey of 1,208 respondents, 41% of participants reported an episode of postcoital dysphoria in their lifetime. 20% said they had experienced it in the past four weeks. And more than 3% of respondents said it was a regular occurrence for them.

Source PCT - theories:

There are speculations that PCT may result from past sexual traumas (e.g. sexual abuse ), unconscious sexual fears (e.g. fear of pregnancy ), or encoded sexual beliefs (e.g. sex is evil). Biological predispositions are also possible. Other theories concern an intense bond that is created between sexual partners, the breaking of which causes sadness. The most probable theory is the combination/superposition of several factors.

Postcoital dysphoria – how to cope?

First of all, remember that PCT is a difficult and uncomfortable situation for both partners. People with postcoital dysphoria may not know why they feel this way during or after sex. They may have trouble explaining it. Partners may wonder if there is a deeper problem at play and blame themselves for their emotional reaction. In this case, couples therapy may be a good idea, where you can work on communication in your relationship and supporting each other in dealing with the problem .

Bird B, Schweitzer R, Strassberg D. The prevalence and correlates of postcoital dysphoria in women. Sex Health 2011; 23:14–25.
Schweitzer, R. D., Burri, A., O'Brien, J. Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Psychological Correlates . Sexual Medicine. First published: 05/10/2015
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/sm2.74 – accessed 26/08/2021
Maczkowiack, J., Schweitzer RD Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Correlates among Males. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Published online: 07/02/2019
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1488326 – accessed 26/08/2021
Traczyk, WZ, Trzebski, A. Human physiology with elements of applied and clinical physiology. 2001