Is Masturbation Healthy? From the Eyes of a Sexologist

Solo sex, autoeroticism or taking care of mental health?

In the early 2000s, various official estimates stated that 60% to 70% of men and 30% to 40% of women satisfied their sexual needs through stimulation of their own genitals. Today, however, it is assumed that the figures are 90% and 80%, respectively. Does this mean that more and more people are reaching for solo love? Perhaps. Although it seems more likely that more people are able to speak out about it – especially when it comes to women, because they are more often devalued in terms of sexuality.

For quite a long time, masturbation was mainly discussed in the context of men – that men masturbate, and women – not necessarily. The term “onanism” was used, which is now considered outdated and negatively charged. In pro-sexual publications, terms such as “solo sex” or “autoeroticism” are currently used – and this is even instead of the word “masturbation”, which is also now considered pejorative.

This change in language shows that our approach to the act of masturbation by mature people is also changing. Autoeroticism is beginning to appear not only in relation to the need to relieve sexual tension – this can have instrumental associations, not necessarily positive ones. Today, we talk about it more often in the context of caring for one's own mental health. Masturbation is becoming something positive, a way of taking care of oneself. I refer to this mainly in relation to masturbation by adults, because masturbation by children or teenagers (although not only here) is mainly cognitive in nature.

Sexual health

Mental health goes hand in hand with sexual health. Masturbation – or rather, so-called guided masturbation – is also used as a therapeutic tool. It is useful for people who seek help because of a lack of orgasm, painful penetration or inhibitions in the context of erotic desires. Various types of masturbation techniques help to open up to drawing sensations from the body or enjoying sex.

It is worth remembering that solo love can be a healing activity – one that supports positive thinking about oneself and one’s own body. This is especially true for women, who more often than men report to psychotherapy offices with difficulties related to experiencing sexual pleasure – or more precisely, the lack thereof.

Developmentally, masturbation in childhood is associated with learning about one's own body. Young children learn that stimulation of the clitoris or penis causes their bodies to react in some way. This can be pleasant, interesting - children are fascinated by the possibilities of their gender. In adolescence, autoeroticism supports one's own development, teaches how to experience orgasm, what stimulation is pleasant and what techniques are safe and appropriate for a given person. Mutual masturbation, i.e. mutual touching of the genitals, can also be a good introduction to sexual life for a young person, trying eroticism.

Masturbation in women is still often assessed negatively. Hence, their masturbation techniques may be limited to a few, or sometimes even to a single one. On the one hand, this may not matter, but on the other – it may indicate difficulties in enjoying this sphere of life, difficulties in using one's own body in a way that gives satisfaction and a sense of freedom. Many times in the office I have seen great joy when a woman full of emotion said that solo sex gave her pleasure. It is also not uncommon to cry, resulting from the fact that a given person has rediscovered that their body belongs to them – it can give them pleasure, but above all, that they know how to use it, get to know it, learn how it works.

These are all components of sexual health. Masturbation is not something incidental to sexuality – on the contrary, it is one of its important, necessary parts.

Benefits of Masturbation, or Why Do People Masturbate?

The reasons can be completely different. Most often, it is about relieving tension. Sometimes masturbation complements sexual life - it is part of various types of sexual activity of people in a relationship. It allows for achieving sexual satisfaction that is unattainable, for example, during penetration, which primarily affects women - most of them need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm .

It is worth remembering that touching the genitals with your hand to stimulate is one of the sexual techniques. It is often still considered a "worse" type of sexual encounter, but the truth is that in sex you should use what gives you joy, and not what you think "everyone benefits from it", so "this is the way it should be". No, it is not. If penetration does not give pleasure to one of the parties, it is worth diversifying the erotic menu, by adding masturbation to it, for example. Masturbation (or mutual masturbation) can help you find satisfaction from sex, especially when there are small children at home who do not sleep well - stimulation with your hand can be faster and easier to handle than the entire sexual act requiring a specific position.

Additionally – as I mentioned – in the case of lack of orgasm during penetration, female masturbation, i.e. stimulation of the clitoris during penetration or without penetration, may turn out to be the only effective way to experience erotic satisfaction.

Solo sex can of course also be exactly what it is, i.e. solo sex, without the participation of another person - and as such it is also most advisable and useful if we want to give ourselves joy and enjoy sex.

How to masturbate, or techniques

There are probably as many ideas for how to stimulate yourself during solo lovemaking as there are people who reach for different masturbatory behaviors. There is no single, reliable method that will appeal to everyone. In this matter, a lot depends on the specific person and their preferences. Your own imagination can be helpful in choosing the right method.

What is worth remembering, especially when getting to know your own body, is the issue of diversifying masturbatory sexual behavior. Focusing solely on one type of stimulation may – but does not have to – make it difficult to achieve pleasure in any other way. In this context, Havelock Ellis syndrome is often mentioned, which is classified as a sexual disorder. This is a situation in which the vulva is stimulated by a stream of water from a shower head and only this type of stimulation brings orgasm. There is not much scientific evidence on this subject and I myself would be skeptical about giving such a diagnosis to anyone.

However, the fact is that one, fixed type of stimulation can make it difficult to enjoy other forms of masturbation or sex. That's why it's important to find different favorite ways to touch yourself - regardless of whether you do it alone or with someone else. It's worth remembering that solo sex doesn't necessarily have to lead to orgasm. The goal of masturbation can be arousal, without the obligation to climax.

You can use your fingers to stimulate yourself, but sex toys are also a good solution. The latter can also help with difficulties with ejaculation or premature ejaculation, for example. This is influenced by, among other things, your erotic appetite, sexual needs or the tension felt in your body. In sexuality, a lot depends on you and your desires.

For those seeking new sensations and ecstasies (as well as people who need additional moisture, struggling with, for example, vaginal dryness), lubricants and intimate gels are a great addition to silicone gadgets.

Can masturbation be excessive?

There is no such disease entity as masturbation addiction. It is also difficult to assess what “too frequent masturbation” means. Depending on the person, it could be once a day or a dozen or so times a day. However, autoeroticism can indeed be used excessively. This refers to situations in which masturbation becomes a kind of tool for regulating emotions, and the problem is not improving one’s mood with it in such a deliberate way. If, for example, a person has PMS or cannot fall asleep and soothes themselves by stimulating the genitals, this is completely normal and there is nothing alarming about it. We do not understand it as an addiction then.

The situation where self-love is the only available tool for self-regulation is worrying. In other words, when masturbation is instrumental and we are unable to use other available forms of self-soothing or calming.

The frequency of self-stimulation may also indicate a problem with masturbation. If a person is absorbed in a sexual need and subordinates everyday activities to this need, we can assume that they have some difficulties in this regard. In such situations, masturbation can have a negative impact on life and relationships with others. This means that the person places achieving orgasm above contact with others, although this is not a fully conscious, clearly planned choice. We rather think then of poor options for choosing ways to regulate emotions.

In such a case, contact with a specialist will help. Such a person will assess how autoeroticism affects sexual life and relationships, whether it is used to reduce emotional tension and whether psychotherapy should be undertaken in connection with it.

Is masturbation in a relationship cheating?

Masturbation of another person can certainly cause uncertainty in the partner. I often hear concerns related to this. It is still widely believed that healthy sexuality in a relationship is one in which people engage in sex with each other, with no one else, including self-stimulation. There are also echoes of the beginnings of psychoanalysis, which assumed that a couple should fulfill themselves sexually during joint genital-genital contact.

However, such thinking is a thing of the past. And although it can be recalled as historical curiosities, basing your knowledge of sexology on it is wrong. Today we know that people engage in a variety of sexual activities and penetration is neither the only favorite nor the only appropriate behavior.

For this reason, masturbation in a relationship can certainly take place, and it is the rules of the relationship that determine how it is perceived: whether it is an activity that should not take place, or whether it is mutually accepted. First of all, you should seek the consent of the partners. How masturbation affects the relationship depends on the rules governing the relationship, not on the fact that it can occur.

It is worth remembering that there can be as many answers and variations on this topic as there are masturbation techniques. And it seems that there is no single, good answer to the question posed in this section. It all depends on the arrangements in your relationship.

Can I forbid another person from masturbating?

Solo sex can be a way to give yourself pleasure, but also contact with yourself, with your own body - and this is true both when you enjoy a long session of autoeroticism, reaching for various accessories, and when masturbation takes up a short moment and replaces sex with another person. The question is whether we actually have the right to demand from our partner that they give up such contact with themselves for us.

Within monogamy, we usually agree on sexual exclusivity. One may wonder whether this also applies to autoerotic exclusivity. The nature of solo sex needs is slightly different than in the case of sex with a partner. Each person's body belongs to a specific person and no one else should decide about it. This is why some people consider the ban on masturbation in a relationship to be something wrong, and therefore does not have a positive effect on it. Nevertheless, this issue must first be sorted out within oneself and then placed somehow in an individual case. After all, it is an important element of life that is worth discussing.

What should I do if I disagree with my partner’s masturbation?

Masturbation in a relationship doesn't have to be a matter of "yes or no". It's up to you and your partner to decide what the optimal solution will be. The most important thing is to talk about needs and desires - don't demand, manipulate, scare or blackmail. How to do it?

First of all, try to understand your own emotions. Is it jealousy? Anger? Disappointment? Regret? Notice them, name them, and accept them. Emotions mean that you are a living being. But they pass. See where they come from and accept them, and then try to find a way out. Anger is often information that our boundaries are being crossed. So look at these boundaries and see how you can find your way within them. Jealousy tells us what is important and what we are afraid of losing. What is it? How are you afraid of losing it? Disappointment shows that reality is letting us down. What are your expectations of reality? Are they realistic?

There are a lot of such questions and it is worth taking a closer look at them, checking them and looking for good solutions for yourself.

Masturbation is not something to be afraid of. It can be used in a safe, healthy and enjoyable way. Masturbation itself – contrary to popular belief – is not addictive. It is up to us how we want, can and know how to use it.