Responsive Desire – What is It?

We carry many obligations when it comes to sex. We compare ourselves to characters from movies, to friends, to our exes, to the enigmatic, static Pole, and when we are unable to put an equal sign, frustration , sadness , and aversion to our own bodies may appear . Libido too low, libido too high, too few partners, too many partners, too promiscuous a lifestyle, too virtuous a lifestyle, too little experience, too much experience… You can go crazy!

What if you were to accept the idea that your sex life is not part of any competition ? That you don't have to compete with anyone, that there are no rigid standards to meet, and that the only yardstick by which you can judge yourself is your own? That what you experience in the sphere of sexuality is perfectly healthy and normal, and that difficult emotions most often stem from simply... ignorance?

Don't you immediately feel a pleasant breeze of freedom on your face?

You know, sex is a sensitive enough topic (heck, for some it's still in the "taboo" section). It's not worth putting additional pressure on yourself about sexuality. Instead of blaming yourself, show yourself some tolerance. And try to understand.

Do as you would do for someone you love.

Not in the mood for sex?

If you are in a relationship and your problem is a prolonged lack of desire for sex, think about what exactly this means to you.

To make it easier, imagine the following situation: someone you find attractive – your partner – comes out of the shower naked. You like what you see, but the image alone is not enough to make you feel desire. The person approaches you, touches you tenderly, kisses you, says nice things. You feel the warmth of their body, you taste their saliva on your tongue. Over time, your body begins to respond to the touch. You start to want more.

Or, to put it differently, you are the one who consciously initiates physical contact, although at this stage you are not yet guided by any sudden desire, you simply want to test your own reactions. You approach this person, you enter the bathroom when they are standing in front of the sink, you embrace them from behind, you feel the delicate hairs on their stomach with your fingers, you kiss their neck, you drink droplets of water. You see you together in the mirror, you notice the pleasure painted on their face. You really want them to turn to you. As you get involved, you want more. Your body wants more.

Now tell me, does this sort of thing happen – or have a chance of happening – in your reality? If so , I have news for you: it doesn’t sound like you don’t want sex. ;) (If not , skip to the section titled: “Context is everything”).

I intentionally don't use the term "foreplay" in this article because it suggests that penetration (penis in vagina) is the primary form of sex, and all other forms (oral sex, petting, handjobs, etc.) are subordinate to it. This is very unfair, especially when you consider that about 60% of orgasms for people with clits involve external stimulation of the organ.

Think about whether it's not by any chance that you don't feel like having sex spontaneously . Maybe you rarely or never get that sudden desire like a bolt out of the blue - and okay, because you know what? It absolutely DOESN'T HAVE TO! Maybe you're in a (very) large group of people who need more than just an attractive person in sight. Maybe you need a more sensual atmosphere, a different kind of stimulation, more time.

Perhaps we are dealing here with responsive desire .

What do we call responsive desire?

This concept was popularized by Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of She's Got the Power . Nagoski writes directly, "I'm tired of living in a world […] where women believe their bodies are inferior just because they're not a man's."

Female sexuality is not subordinate to male sexuality.

Responsive desire is experienced by about 30% of women , comes from the body, and – as the name suggests – is a response to sexual caresses, both received and (this is important!) given.

I would like to emphasize this: it is not only about situations in which the other person initiates sexual intercourse. Often someone who does not feel like having sex on their own makes a quick and usually incorrect self-diagnosis ("I have a low libido"), gets frustrated and stops initiating sexual intercourse altogether. This is a big mistake.

For people with a responsive desire model, passively waiting for arousal to suddenly strike out of the blue is not the best solution. There is simply the possibility that they will wait… forever.

It's not about forcing yourself to do something against your will, but rather about not automatically shutting yourself off - if the thought pops into your head: "Maybe I'd like to?", you can try and observe your reactions as you go. Even a small intimate contact (with mutual consent, of course) strengthens the bond between partners.

One of the most interesting sentences I read from Emily Nagoski was: "Sex is not a drive." I wondered how to explain it in the simplest way possible.

First, let's associate the drive with survival. When you're hungry, you eat. When you're thirsty, you drink. When you're tired, you go to sleep. And so on. If you don't satisfy your basic needs for a long time, you will die. Your body doesn't want to let you die, so it forces you to take action through an uncomfortable internal state that will allow you to survive.

But no one has ever died from lack of sex.

So sex is not an urge.

Want to learn more about masturbation? Check out our articles: " Female Masturbation ," " Masturbation During Your Period , " and " Is Masturbation Healthy? From a Sexologist's Perspective ."

So what is sex?

Nagoski called it a “motivational trigger” and encouraged us to think about it in the context of good development. The idea is to allow ourselves to be led by attractive external stimuli – we won’t die if we don’t do it, but in this way we create an opportunity to feel pleasure and satisfaction. We give ourselves a chance. We don’t have to wait for someone else to do it.

There are various ways to sexual arousal. It is true that one of them is intimate caresses of a partner or a sensual atmosphere created by him/her. But the responsibility for a shared sexual life should not fall solely on the other person. You can also make the first move – and then perhaps the desire will appear in you too. Perhaps, I emphasize. Sometimes not, it depends on the context. But we will get to that later.

What is spontaneous desire?

The second type of desire is called spontaneous desire. It is not a reaction to context or specific stimuli, but rather a top-down readiness to receive pleasure.

It has been wrongly assumed that the only proper style of desire is spontaneous desire. This so-called "ideal" promoted in romantic films does not fit the sexual lives of most people. Of course, there are couples who really do rip each other's clothes off right after returning home from a hard day's work. The vast majority, however, function differently, and often do not align in terms of the style of desire (more on that in a moment).

This is especially frustrating if we have lived with the belief that since we entered into a relationship with someone with whom we get along great on every other level, we will also be perfectly in sync in terms of libido and sexual needs – and without any effort. Well, not necessarily.

Studies show that about half of women are able to feel both types of desire, depending on the situation. Let's call this a mixed style. Spontaneous desire may appear for them, for example, duringovulation or in the initial phase of a romantic-sexual relationship, when hormones take over. In other cases, women become eager for sex under the influence of a sexual caress that is pleasurable for them or in erotic circumstances.

How many people experience spontaneous desire?

According to the author of "She's Got the Power", for about 75% of men spontaneous desire is the dominant style of desire, while about 15% of women experience spontaneous desire.

It is easy to conclude from all this that without awareness of these differences in many relationships – especially heterosexual ones – misunderstandings and mutual complaints can arise. That is why it is so important to define your own types of desire , have an honest conversation (or rather, in the plural: honest conversations) and work out common solutions that will be satisfactory for you.

I imagine that the situation can be difficult for both parties, regardless of the model of desire that dominates. A person who often experiences sudden desires for sex and often meets with rejection may get the impression that they are not attractive to their partner. If this is not true, say so, and also explain in your own words how it works for you.

On the other hand, a person who is usually characterized by responsive desire in the sexual sphere may feel guilty that they so rarely initiate sex themselves and need more favorable circumstances for their thoughts to even begin to revolve around the topic. Here, too, it is worth assuring your partner that you have no grudge against her and asking what kind of stimuli can give her pleasure and put her in the right mood. Talk about your needs, erotic fantasies, and limitations.

Think about it, your goal – yours and your partner’s – shouldn’t be sex like in a movie. Sex that is only the creator’s invention. Sex that DOESN’T EXIST. There is no room for honesty, truth, folds, hair, mistakes, laughter, understanding, patience, individual needs. There is no room for everything that makes you alive, feeling people.

Maybe instead of striving for something unattainable (and not all that satisfying!), it's worth putting that energy into building a true intimate bond.

Context is the most important thing

The topic of responsive desire and spontaneous desire is one thing. Remember that the desire for sexual intercourse is also dependent on many other factors. We do not live in a vacuum. Think about what might be causing the problem in your case. Let me ask you a few questions to help you:

• Why do you see your lack of desire as a problem? What do you consider normal? If you automatically take your partner's libido level as the default, think about where you got that idea from. Neither of you has "more normal needs" because there is no general scale that everyone should fit into. You are equally important.
• Is your partner attractive to you, does she excite you sexually? Does your sex give you pleasure, is it satisfying for you? Or maybe you associate it with an unpleasant duty, pain, lack of understanding of your needs, frustration caused by the inability to satisfy?
• Are you in a long-term relationship? If so, we can high-five each other. ;) One of the most important things I've learned in this relationship is that you have to actively work on it together, even if it's good, or rather ESPECIALLY if it's good - because that's when you know it's worth it. You know, it's completely natural when after a while, passion is replaced by a sense of security, attachment, care. These are all good feelings, but at the same time, they don't necessarily put you in a sexy mood.

I highly recommend Esther Perel’s TED talk, The Secret of Passion in a Long-Term Relationship , which you can find here (there are Polish subtitles).

• Have you left room for sex in your life together? For many people, everyday life is so engaging that they leave the sexual sphere to itself, hoping that at some point sex will simply happen. We know very well that it doesn't necessarily work that way. In addition to ensuring that the right conditions are created, it may be helpful in such a situation to put intimacy... on the calendar. Exactly. Spontaneous sex is not better than planned sex, this is another repeated statement that has no reflection in reality at all.

Important: on this particular day, intercourse does not have to take place at all, perhaps you will need more “just” physical closeness, a hug, a massage. The point is that you are then actively involved in cultivating intimacy in the relationship, taking care to find time intended exclusively for you.

• Is everything okay with you apart from sex? Stress, anxiety, fatigue, lack of sleep, problems at work or in the family, financial and health problems - all of these also affect your sex life. It is completely normal if you find space for thoughts of sex in your mind free from worries.

The common solution to all of the above problems is… communication. Yes, I know, I'm repeating myself, but honesty and mutual understanding are really the foundation, and I feel like not many of us know how to just talk to each other.

If you are having difficulty reaching an agreement and still have questions and doubts, consider consulting a sexologist.

Also read our article about dyspareunia and its treatment .

A few words at the end

Very important thing (something to mark with a neon marker): responsive desire style involves you giving permission for sexual initiation, even though you don't feel like it at this stage. You're simply agreeing to try. This consent isn't permanent - it lasts for the time you give your body to react. Depending on what you feel - or don't feel - you either extend the agreement or temporarily cancel it ("not today, honey, let's try tomorrow?").

That is why honest communication, a lot of sensitivity and understanding are so important. You have to be aware that not every sexual activity will end with an equal number of orgasms for each of you (read more about the "female" orgasm here ). However, this should not discourage you from further attempts, on the contrary - remember that even small intimate gestures are extremely important in maintaining closeness.

Referring a bit to the previous paragraph, I would like to raise one more issue. If some activity is neutral for you, and you know that it can bring great pleasure to your partner, it may be worth taking it. It is your decision, just do not reject this option automatically, without checking in yourself whether you feel like it.

At the same time, remember that you always (ALWAYS!) have the right to say no. The fact that you are in a relationship with someone does not make you responsible for your partner's sexuality. Just as he has the right to want to relieve erotic tension, you have the right not to participate this time.

E. Nagoski, She has the power, translated by K. Świątoniowska, Warsaw 2015.
R. Hajare, Non-Medical Basis Characterization of Orgasm Associated with Approach Sex Can Last up to 20 Seconds to 15 Minutes, Eligible Women Individuals' Poor Transportation Facility of Private Pharmacy Institutions in Pune, India, "Open Access Journal of Oncology and Medicine" 2019, https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Rahul-Hazare-2/publication/341426934_Open_Access_Journal_of_Oncology_and_Medicine_Non-Medi cal_Basis_Characterization_of_Orgasm_Associated_with_Approach_Sex_Can_Last_up_to_20_Seconds_to_15_Minutes_Eligible_Women_Indivi duals'_Poor_Transpor/links/5ebfb843a6fdcc90d67a4016/Open-Access-Journal-of-Oncology-and-Medicine-Non-Medical-Basis-Characteriza tion-of-Orgasm-Associated-with-Approach-Sex-Can-Last-up-to-20-Seconds-to-15-Minutes-Eligible-Women-Individuals-Poor-Transpor.pdf [access from 31/01/2022].