The topic of discrimination against children has unexpectedly entered our editorial office. When the topic of children came up at our integration meeting a while ago, many of the people present discussed their aversion to the youngest and situations in which the possibility of separating people with children from those without children would be invaluable (when traveling or dining in a restaurant).
No one paid any attention to the fact that such a discussion could not take place in the context of any other social group .
What is child discrimination?
Excluding a given social group from specific places or activities, dictated by personal antipathy, is discrimination.
Many places (restaurants, hotels) organize child-free spaces to provide comfort to guests who do not feel like being around children. The need to spend time “on your own terms” is completely understandable, but the consequences of creating such spaces should be considered.
A child – a human being and a citizen
Attorney Aleksandra Ejsmont, a legal adviser, tells Prawo.pl: "Spaces for people without children [...] are similar to the "LGBT-free zones", the legality of which is being questioned by administrative courts. I have the impression that people who introduce such rules seem to forget that a child is also a citizen and is also covered by Article 32, Section 2 of the Constitution, which prohibits discrimination ."
Here, however, we have no doubt that it is more about the ability to behave in such a way as not to violate the boundaries of others . And this is rather a generally accepted criterion for entry. That is why people who disturb the peace are asked to leave restaurants, hotels, theaters and other places.
The point is to treat the case individually , without attributing specific behaviours to any social group.
Also read our guide for parents – How does upbringing affect our sexuality?
Why do we “dislike” children?
This message is really more of a mental shortcut, resulting from individual experiences. Self-reflection on this topic can change the way we speak – that is why it is important.
Often it is not about the children themselves, but about specific behaviors (which would also be offensive if they occurred in adults, for example). Talking about not liking children is easy, but not necessarily true – which you may not even be fully aware of. You can "not like children", meaning you have a problem with your own family's expectations of children. You can also associate children with negative experiences (for example from school) or difficult situations related to children.
Most often, "not liking children" is really a lack of consent to the deprivation of the right to peace and rest. It is not a problem that someone's child is screaming in a public space. The problem is that anyone is screaming - and that is a source of tension for all the people involved in the situation. The matter is especially difficult if the matter is taking place in circumstances created for rest.
How to replace “I don’t like children”?
Expressing this view when, to put it bluntly, no one asks is a bit out of place. The question is: how do you talk about your approach when someone asks (for example, in a situation where you are asked to look after someone’s child)? You can directly state your doubts, talk about your lack of comfort in spending time with a child or your lack of resources to care for someone with such special needs.
The Troublesome Issue of Gaining Experience
In addition, the issue of children gaining experience and social refinement comes to the fore . If we lock the youngest with all their childishness in places that are only pro-child, we will take away their chance to learn the rules that apply in society.
Find out what gendered forms of raising children are .
What can we as adults teach children?
Let's teach children what other people's boundaries are and why they need to be respected. Even small children will perfectly understand the concept of the right to respect someone else's property if we tell about it using the example of toys , so often stolen by other children in the sandbox. Let's talk about the right to peace and rest.
What is attachment parenting? Find out here .
Is it easy? No. But without it, we will end up with a society that cannot peacefully coexist with others and is unable to accept social rules. It is childhood that is the time for "soaking the shell", i.e. instilling appropriate patterns of behavior .
Another perspective
What is most tiring and irritating to others in children is difficult for the parent himself. Even if it seems that the actions of minors do not impress the guardians, in reality it is often a source of great tension, stress or shame . If you add to this the expressions of disapproval from others, the situation becomes unbearable.
And what is it like in other countries?
The best example is Norway, famous for its quick response to any form of violence against children (for example, taking a rebellious child out of a restaurant is considered in such categories).
Norwegians are tolerant and patient when it comes to dealing with children. They are happy to talk to them, and they feel socially responsible for a minor who is just learning about the world. It seems that everyone understands perfectly well how important it is for children to be independent and persistent in achieving their goals. This is why a toddler who wants to cross a pedestrian crossing on their own two feet can do so without pressure, honking or nervous cars approaching with the green light. On the other hand, a parent who has to deal with a rebellious child receives more understanding than disapproving glances. Children are allowed to be children, and parents are supported in this unequal fight.
On Discrimination with an Expert
The above speculations are merely the point of view of a mother and psychologist who has often gotten off the bus sweaty because the children, exhausted and overstimulated after a whole day of excitement, were giving vent to their emotions. I also happened to hear once that maybe I should give my daughters a phone, "to make things easier for everyone."
I know how such a parent feels. But I also understand that children's behavior is often a cry for attention. Discrimination itself is a conundrum for me, so I decided to consult an expert, Małgorzata Iwanek ( @kulturaseksualna ) - a psychologist, sexologist, psychotherapist, whose answers to questions related to this topic can be found below:
Language shapes reality – why do we dislike children?
There are probably many reasons for this. One of them is definitely that we don't like emotions. We don't like them or we're afraid of them. And children are mainly made up of loud and openly expressed emotions. When they laugh, they shout, run, sing. When they get angry, they shout, run away, squeal. And on the one hand, as adults and as a whole society, we are there to help a child regulate and control these emotions, that is, to teach: "Okay, you're angry, I see that you have a reason and it's okay that you're shouting, but I can't agree to you shouting so loudly on the bus."
On the other hand, we have to be careful not to suppress this anger, ultimately threatening: "If you don't calm down, you'll remember." And this is work that we have to do by the book until about the age of 7, and sometimes a little longer. A lot of years. And we are not very patient and understanding as people. We want to have everything now and immediately, so this child should also be quiet immediately. That's not possible.
In addition, as Poles, we are not very friendly. This is changing and I believe that the next generation will be more friendly towards others. War traumas, religion that sets us against others because "only family counts, others are strangers", politics, negative approach to sexuality - all of this together did not allow us to develop a gene of kindness.
“I don’t like children.” Why are we so quick to show our dislike for the youngest? This sentence is uttered so often that it’s no longer even shocking. Why do we do it so easily?
Because we can. A four-year-old will not say: "Hey, I don't like it when you talk about me like that, it's hurtful". Their parents most often won't react either, and if they do, it will be immediately that they are demanding: "Here you go, stress-free upbringing, 500+ is not enough for them". There is a lot of such aversion to the other person in this.
Why are children so often the target of society (see: "children and fish have no voice")?
Mainly because they ask a lot of questions and express their emotions in an uninhibited way, because if they don't like something, they say it directly.
We all know those situations when an aunt wears too much perfume for a family event and everyone has a headache for three days afterwards. Who will be the first to speak up at the table to express their irritation? Probably some three-year-old who will say, "Ugh, it stinks." And an aunt is an old lady and who has ever seen such uncultured words.
Sure, it's not about going around the world and freely expressing whatever we want, so it's natural that we want that three-year-old to say, "Auntie, this perfume is too strong for me, I'll change." But he doesn't have the ability to communicate in this way and never will at that age. And let him not. We don't have to tell him, "You can't say that! Auntie is sorry!" We can say, "Oh, I think this smell is too strong for you, do you want to freshen up?"
Intense movement, shouting, loud singing, generally being there for yourself, your needs, your body are developmental features. Something that we very often unfortunately grow out of. Or maybe we don't grow out of it, but we are told that it's not allowed.
Hatred, aversion to children – does it have a name?
I would call it hate or discrimination, but these are not official terms, because no one seems to be particularly concerned about this phenomenon. What's more, many people believe that children have it too well - discounts on tickets, free tickets, subsidies.
What are the consequences – linguistic and social – of saying “I don’t like children”?
Well, that's exactly it, that we still think that children are unimportant. That they are of no social utility. Sure, they won't solve the problem of hunger in the world (although no adult has an idea for that yet either), but they do something incredibly valuable - they constantly remind us, at every step, that we are part of nature and that the most important thing in this whole life is to be here and now, because there is no other time.
How should we react when we hear such a comment (for example from a colleague)?
It depends. I am not a fan of telling everyone what they are doing wrong and how badly they are speaking. Nevertheless, it is probably worth stopping at such a statement and expressing surprise, curiosity, disagreement: "it's interesting that you say that", "I have a different approach to this matter". This is also a good time to ask about this attitude, to exchange views.
Is there anything we can do to support a parent in difficult times (alternative to social ostracism)?
Yes, please, let's be careful with each other. I know it's popular to think: "they have a child, so let them manage," but it doesn't work like that.
Yes, we take on the effort of taking care of a child in small, two-person families today, but whether we like it or not, children are part of the community. Every community. And these children will one day influence the shape of that community and the world.
You can't live alone, that's a huge myth of individualism. We are herd animals and we need people to live a healthy life. Therefore, when possible, let's offer help to parents with children. Really. You can hold the door, let someone go in line, show support for the parent (to minimize their stress from the environment). You can also try to interact with the child, but only with the parent's consent and only if we have the resources to do so.
It's not about us all being nannies (although in my utopian vision of the world that's exactly what we would be), but about sometimes going beyond the end of our own noses. We are not alone in the world and that's why - a terrible cliché - let's take care of others the way we want to be taken care of. Such care - and research confirms this - has a positive effect on others, because they receive help, but also on ourselves, because we like it when others feel good thanks to us.
Often (for example in psychotherapy) we talk about the inner child. I don't like children - isn't that a form of self-sabotage? How much does the personal perception of childhood and adolescence influence the perception of the youngest later on?
Perhaps it is possible, it probably depends on the person, because each of us has different experiences and different interpretations of those experiences. Our own can influence the perception of children in at least two ways - either we carry on the aversion that we ourselves have experienced, or we try to be in opposition to it and change some part of the world around us.
Created at: 21/10/2022
Updated at: 21/11/2022
