First time – concerns, questions and advice

Expectations vs. reality

First of all, I think we should somehow "demystify" the topic of the first time. Most teenagers who have it before them imagine a romantic atmosphere, candles, sexy lingerie and a perfect match with their partner. The messages from movies, series and broadly understood pop culture usually only fuel these (unrealistic) expectations. Pornography is a separate topic, the patterns of which are even more problematic.

Before first intercourse, some people are convinced that the perfect first sex will allow them to get closer to their partner, and maybe even stay together for the rest of their lives. It is not surprising, then, that when reality (sometimes quite brutally) verifies these ideas, some feel more resentful and disappointed than full of euphoria.

A basic mistake that many people make when they first start having sex is focusing on the external aspects that they think will improve the experience, instead of paying attention to the internal aspects and their own reactions and body signals. For example, instead of searching the internet for advice on how to best please your partner, it is better to simply ask and talk directly about what pleases you.

Instead of wondering at what age you should have your first time, it's better to ask yourself if you feel ready for it. Also, remember that the internet and your friends are often bad advisors - it's worth reaching for proven sources.

What is the best age to start having sex?

Nowadays, in many countries, young people experience their first time later than their parents. This may be due to fear of intimacy, but on the other hand - to greater awareness of young people in the field of sexuality and the availability of sex education.

Even if the first time experience was nothing extraordinary for us, it is an important moment for the psyche of a young person. Age is just a number, however - the most important thing is that the first intercourse takes place with the consent of both people.

Going beyond stereotypes

When we think of a first time, most of us imagine the traditional, cisheterosexual pattern: penis in vagina . We include other activities under the heading of “foreplay.” But what if you’ve had sex before, but never with someone with different genitalia, or the sex didn’t involve that type of penetration? What kind of sexual activity would be included under the definition of a first time?

Western culture puts a lot of pressure on us to name and define everything. I believe that such a rigorous approach does no good to anyone. I encourage you to explore your sexuality with curiosity and in harmony with yourself, without worrying about how to force it into a predetermined, rigid framework.

And if you feel the need to somehow single out the first sexual experiences that are important to you – nothing stands in the way! Just follow your intuition and don't forget that sexuality is a very individual sphere of life – for each person the first time can mean something different.

Dialogue and communication

We are all different, which is why there are no clear answers to most questions about the first time. The issue of age, contraception method or hymen – these are very individual aspects.

I know people for whom the first time wasn't a big deal and they don't even remember it today. There are also those for whom it's very important to wait until marriage to start having sex.

For some, contraception in the form of a condom will be completely sufficient, but another person may need additional protection to completely relax and get rid of the fear of unwanted pregnancy.

Read our articles on contraception:All contraceptive methods , Hormonal contraception - how to choose the right one? and The morning-after pill - we present the facts, debunk the myths .

This information is important and can have a huge impact on how the first time will be. Usually, however, our partner does not know anything about it unless we tell her openly. This is why honest conversation, trust, and attention and active listening from our partner are so important. To establish an atmosphere of open dialogue, we can start by talking honestly about our feelings, naming what we are doing, asking questions and listening actively.

Choosing a partner

It is worth considering whether our partner is someone we really want to have sex with for the first time. If they have also not had sex yet, it may be easier for us. On the other hand, a partner with more experience will probably feel a bit more confident. It is a myth that we have to have a close relationship, but it should be someone we feel safe with, whom we trust and whom we can openly tell if something is wrong.

At a young age, we often associate sex with deeper feelings, but we need to know that it is not proof of love. It is completely normal to feel a certain connection and closeness during our first encounter, but realistic expectations can help us avoid potential disappointment. However, if the person we have chosen is patient, empathetic, and emotionally mature, it is definitely a good sign.

When having sex (not only for the first time), you should also remember about informed consent and make sure that you are both ready for this type of activity.

Hymen, Pain and Other Concerns

One of the most common concerns of people with a hymen (also known as a virgin hymen) is the possible pain associated with its rupture.

It is worth noting that in reality it is more about stretching than breaking (this sounds a bit less dramatic and is closer to the truth, and words do matter - especially if that is what we are afraid of).

However, it is true that during the first time, it is usually violated, which can cause pain and slight bleeding. The level of pain depends largely on the body structure of the person and their hymen and degree of relaxation, so it is necessary to take care of proper preparation - longer caresses, perhaps a massage or a relaxing bath.

If you have a strong fear of hymen rupture, choose sexual activity that does not involve penetration to begin with.

Many people also fear that their body will refuse to cooperate. In the case of insufficient moisture, it is worth having a lubricant or intimate gel on hand. If the problem is the lack of an erection, it is best to focus on the pleasure (instead of the "effect"), be very understanding towards yourself and remember that sex is not just about penetration.

How to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases?

Infection can occur every time we have sex without a condom – even the first time if we are particularly unlucky.

Some people prefer to use other contraceptives, but it is the condom that provides the best protection. I have come across the opinion that putting on a condom "spoils the atmosphere". However, we must be aware that if we decide to have intercourse without a condom (including the first time), it is a decision that is always associated with risk (even a condom does not protect 100%).

On the one hand, STDs are often curable, but on the other hand, they can also be dangerous (especially if you don't get tested regularly). For this reason, it's worth putting on a condom for peace of mind (even if you use hormonal contraception, spermicides, or other contraceptive methods).

STDs and all intimate infections are still taboo, but if we want to be 100% sure that everything is fine, we can get tested before we start having sex. This also applies to our partner.

A visit to a gynecologist can help us dispel doubts. However, if we are prone to infections, it would be a good idea to give up shaving intimate areas - hair is a natural barrier.

How to prepare for sexual initiation

First of all, you should ask yourself a few questions:

• Is this a good time for us to start having sex?
• Do we trust and feel safe in the person with whom we will share this experience?
• Do we feel fear, shame or remorse about “losing our virginity” and where do these come from?
• What ideas do we have about what the first time looks like?

Before the first time, it is also worth checking out books and valuable, educational content (such as the book #sexedpl or the Instagram profile @kasia_coztymseksem), especially if we are looking for answers to specific questions. Using advice and information from trusted sources is definitely a better idea than following the advice of friends, even those who have already had their first time.

Before having sex, it's good to get to know your body, your preferences, and find out what kind of touch you like. Masturbation can help you discover this (although of course not everyone masturbates and there's nothing wrong with that).

It is also important to ensure that sexual initiation takes place in comfortable conditions, in a place where no one will disturb you. If you are planning to have sex for the first time with a regular partner, talk about it as much as possible. Choose a simple, not too demanding position in which you will be comfortable - this is not a competition! It also doesn't hurt to stock up on lubricant and (necessarily) condoms.

Body Concerns

Many people are afraid before their first time that they will be unattractive to their partner, especially naked. We are annoyed by the "imperfections" of our bodies and we worry that the first time experience will be worse for both parties (for us - because we will not be able to focus on the pleasure; for our partner - because they will see parts of our body that were previously hidden and will definitely be rejected). We wonder whether to buy sexy lingerie, whether our partner will notice our cellulite and whether we should shave our intimate areas.

If we fall into such a series of worries, it is worth reminding ourselves that everyone (including our partner) has complexes, and "imperfections" are human and make us unique. Try to look at your body with gratitude (for example, for allowing you to feel pleasure).

For most of us, the first time is the most stressful, and then relaxation comes with time. However, if concerns about your body and appearance are taking away your joy from sex, consider talking to a psychologist, sexologist, or other specialist.